My bridesmaid cancelled on me four days before the wedding -- now she wants money to mail me her dress?!?

Question

My wedding is supposed to be this Saturday. One of my bridesmaid, whose wedding I was in two weeks ago, sent me a text message yesterday to say she couldn't make it because she pulled a muscle and is exhusted.

I was annoyed, but told her fine that I needed her to mail me the dress so I can get it altered to fit my cousin. However, she wants me to send her $150.00 Western Union to cover the shipping fees, plus she wants to know if my cousin will reimburse her for the price of the dress.

I don't think that's right because I paid $130 for my bridesmaid dress for her wedding, $500 to fly there, $100 to stay in a hotel (i was supposed to stay with her family, but she cancelled at the last minute saying there was no space), $50.00 to buy formal wear for her wedding rehearsal (which she told me I needed. it turned out to be a waste because when we got there NO ONE except me and her were dressed up).

I called her, but she won't pick up the phone. Last night I texted her saying I couldn't afford to give her the $150. She didn't respond. So this morning I texted her again this morning trying to appeal to her human side saying please don't s***w me over like this, I will get the money to you, etc. No response.

Answer 1

Doesn't sound like much of a friend.  I wouldn't give her a penny. You have done enough. It's a shame she canceled on you so close to such an important day.  Is there anyway your cousin could wear a different dress but the same color? Can she go to Davids Bridal or something like that to get a dress.

Good Luck!  Remember it's only a dress. It wont ruin your big day. The day is much bigger than this little issue.  Enjoy your day with people who Love you and want to be there for you.  

Answer 2

Haver her send the dress to you C.O.D. through FedEx or UPS overnight. Don't give her a cent.

Answer 3

Did she buy the bridesmaid dress?  If she bought it herself, then it's hers.  If you bought it, then its all yours and she should send it with her own money.  

What it comes down to is that she isn't a friend.  She is proving that.  A friend would feel bad for not attending and do anything to accommodate.  A friend would lend or give the dress to your cousin.

Is it imperative that you have another bridesmaid?  Have your cousin be the guestbook attendant.  Forgo having another bridemaid.  Don't make it tougher on you than it has to be.  She screwed you over.  Forget her and your "friendship" with her.  She's not worth it.  Enjoy your day and dont stress!

Answer 4

Where did you get the dress? cant you just go by a new one? That would really get her upset. Text her "dont worry, we dont need the dress anymore, bought a new one, so you can keep that one!"

Answer 5

First of all, she dropped out so she should be the one who pays for shipping the dress. Second, even if you did have to pay for the dress to get shipped it would not cost anywhere near $150!

Answer 6

She bought the dress.  It's hers to do with as she will.  If she's holding it hostage, make it a non-issue and don't ask for it back.  This girl was not your only bridesmaid.  So what if the "sides" are uneven.  If anyone asks why just be honest - one girl dropped out at the last minute.  Nobody will think worse of you for it.  A good photographer can make your group portraits look good even with uneven sides - in one wedding I was in they had two more groomsmen than maids and looking at the pictures I had to count everyone to say, "Oh yeah, there were fewer girls."

She's the one digging her own hole here.  She's seriously trying to extort money out of you for something that is totally not your fault.  Stop calling, stop texting and move forward with your wedding without her, and without her dress.

Answer 7

Remember what I told you yesterday about this being about your husband and your new life together.  It doesn't look like you are getting the dress unless you fork over the $150.  Even if you send it, it doesn't mean she'll mail it.  Let her keep the dress as a reminder of what a crappy friend she has been.  I think you've found out that she isn't a friend, she's a selfish brat and it was all about her.  Make other arrangements for your cousin.....put her in a complimenting dress and get on with it.  No wedding turns out perfectly, at least you know ahead of time what has gone wrong.  Stop obsessing about controlling this girl.  Spend your time fixing your wedding!  I know it's unfair and wrong.  Now do something productive and find an alternative.  The point of this thing is to get married.  No dress is going to prevent you from doing that.

Answer 8

Normally, I'd say that since she is backing out, then she must eat the cost of the dress.

All though, if you are asking her to give you the dress so you can give it to your cousin to wear, then you should pay her for it.  It is, afterall, her dress.

If you don't want to pay her, then don't ask for the dress.   She purchased it, and if she doesn't want to give it to you, she doesn't really have to, considering she (and not you) paid for it.

You would only have the right to ask for it back if you had paid for it in the first place.  Oh, and don't replace a bridesmaid, that's really tacky.  Your cousin must love being a replacement, 2nd string, not-good-enough-for-a-first-choice bridesmaid.

Answer 9

You don't need to replace her, except to replace her friendship with someone else's.  A pulled muscle is no big deal.

If she was simply backing out, then I would say she eats the cost of the dress.  Since you want the dress back, you should pay the shipping, but $150 is far too much.  She could send it COD, or any number of ways without it costing her.  If you send the money Western Union, you have no guarantee you will even see the dress.

She is trying to extort money from you.  Let her keep the dress and don't worry about replacing her as a bridesmaid.  Send her one last message telling her she may keep the dress and you are not sending her the money.

Good luck.

Answer 10

she doesnt sound like a friend i'd like to have, some friendships arent meant to last forever.i now know that to be true from my own experience, good luck!

Answer 11

let it go and be short a bridemaid and she can get stuck with the dress.

Or text her, ask her to mail it as cheap as possible and include the shipping receipt.  Then you can clean it and alter it.  Tell her you will send a check after the wedding from the gift money, but dont!  

Answer 12

h**l NO, Do not give her the money!

Answer 13

That's really a bad situation.

I think if you want all your dresses the same, you're going to have to

pay to get the dress mailed (after all, she has possession of the dress).  Take up the money issue later, after you've had a great wedding day!!

These things can really ruin a relationship -- forget what you did for her during her wedding -- her true colors are coming out in how she's treating you now -- I would NOT ask your cousin to give money for the dress, as she's doing you a giant favor at the last minute.

Put it down to life experience, and move on...I don't know if I could stay

friends, tho'.

Answer 14

Why does she need $150 to ship it? I get that you want fast shipping, but is the dress really that heavy?

Since she paid for it, it is her dress. However, since she backed out last minute I can understand you wanting it back. Ask her, "Would you REALLY wear this again?". Offer her half the cost of the dress, and that's it. She can ship it herself, if you are feeling generous perhaps you could possibly split that to (but try and look for a better deal). SHe wouldn't be able to get all of it back anyways and it takes time and effort to try and sell it to someone else, so that is a generous offer in my opinion.

Answer 15

shes a selfish w***e, if only her wedding was after yours......

Answer 16

She's not much of a friend. Would it be possible to have your maid of honor get a dress of the same color, but maybe a different style and then she could give you her original dress to be altered for your cousin (having the cousin pay for the new dress), so that the only one dressed differently would be the maid of honor and that would be OK.

Answer 17

tell her the cost of the dress she's already paid for is her wedding gift to you (and by extension, your cousin).  if the only way to get the dress back is for her to overnight it to you, check with Fedex or UPS and arrange for them to pick it up from her and bring her a box, airbill etc, and you can pre-pay it instead of giving her the money.  if you send her cash, she may pocket it instead of actually taking the time to ship the dress for you.  you know what, there's no way you're going to get this dress and have it altered in 2 days so you might as well just forget it.  tell your cousin to wear something else if you really want her in the wedding.

Answer 18

For what it's worth, I'm with Deber on this: You need to focus on what the wedding is really about and stop getting worked up in a tizzy over how this person is acting.

However, I find it very interesting how you're able to reel off a list of the expenses you incurred when attending her wedding. ...And just how long ago was that?

Reading between the lines, it does appear that money is something of an issue ether just for you, or between you and your should-have-been bridesmaid. Her excuses are rather lame, so I do wonder just how enthusiastic she was about attending in the first place.

She paid for the dress (I'm not up on the etiquette of this in the States, but isn't it normal for the bride's family to pay for bridesmaid's dresses?), so it's hers to do with as she likes. If you really must have it, you're going to have to cough up whatever she's asking. Although, given what you say, I wonder if she's not now reconsidering whether she can even be bothered to ship it to you at all.

Why is it so imperative that you have THAT dress? It does seem to me that there are control issues at work under the surface here.

It seems to me the rational approach would be for you forget about asking us to validate your feelings about how horribly you're being treated and to focus on solving the problem of making your stand-in bridesmaid look good by whatever means necessary and . just as importantly - leaving her feeling positive about you after being called in as a second-best replacement.

Answer 19

Let her keep the dress. You don't need to replace a bridesmaid. Seems like extortion to me. Don't bother.

Answer 20

I bought my wedding dress off of eBay and it came in a large box and it was only $25.00 dollars for shipping....so you do the math.

Answer 21

It seems there are a couple of different issues to address.

First obviously, she doesn't sound like a real friend (I'm not sure if you just invited her to be your BM to reciprocate because she asked you to be in her wedding? If that was the case or partially so, just to let you know, that is not a good reason to select someone to be an attendant- according to wedding etiquette experts, a no-no in fact).

That aside, the bridesmaid is responsible for paying for her own dress, so technically, the dress is hers. Now because she cancelled, there are a couple of options, new bridesmaid gets new dress, or old bridesmaid gives dress to new bridesmaid (via you I guess to have altered) and gets reimbursed for the same price she paid for the dress. The cost of alteration will have to be on you and/or the new bridesmaid, as I think if I were the old bridesmaid and I had any sort of conscience at all, I would offer to pay for the alterations as some sort of compensation for last minute cancellation. As this doesn't sound like the person she is, I'm doubting you'd ever get that from her even if you asked.

The other issue is the $150. As someone already mentioned- it seems like she didn't really think this through vis a vis alternate ways to get the dress to you. And you can text her or email her that she has to send the dress Fed Ex (research this first to get all the information she will need, so you've basically done that work for her- as she seems really reluctant to make any effort at all, without some sort of ransom money). People ship things C.O.D. all the time. Either she's just soft in the head not to have thought of that option herself, or worse, she was going to keep the 150 and not bother sending the dress.

If the worst happens and she doesn't send the dress - not condoning that, just saying it is a possibility you have to take into consideration, you will have to eat the cost of all that and find a new BM Who is willing to get herself a dress-or probably pay for it or part of it. It's certainly not fair to you to have to scrape up a new attendant, and you may not have time though to find someone new who can afford wholey or partially a BM dress.

On another note, since being invited to be someone's attendant is not related to you inviting them for the same role (i.e. t*t for tat is out the window), then the money you spent on her wedding is really irrelevant in this matter. As a separate issue though, it sounds like some of it was unreasonable though, the dressing up when nobody else did- bridesmaids are responsible for paying for their own dresses, so what your dress cost isn't really relevant to use as argument in this issue. Howver, as a separate issue, she cancelled on something else there last minute at her own wedding and made you buy a dress you don't need, so I guess if you want to make note of that as one more reason why this person isn't friend material, then that is where it goes.

All in all though, the reality is that seeing as how unreliable she is, you may end up eating the cost whatever happens, whether you get her dress back or get a new one for a new BM, and this will be an expensive wedding. And then you can contemplate after the wedding, what this person is to you that makes her a friend, or reevaluate what your ideal friend is as a person and then not put her in any more situations where you would rely on her, since she's already proved she doesn't keep commitments.

Good luck and congrats on your wedding!  

Answer 22

The right thing for her to do is to make the expenses that you would have to bear a present to you for the wedding, since she can't be there and you had to fly thru hoops to make the late changes needed because of her.  A pulled muscle is a weak excuse for not being in a wedding anyway.  What does she have to go thru that would aggravate the problem?  Just tell her forget the dress and you won't hold it against her in the future if she cares about you.

Answer 23

Tell her to FedEx the dress - they have an option on the shipping slip letting the recipient pay upon delivery.

In that way, you don't have to send her any money. $150 is way more than any shipment should cost and she's obviously trying to s***w you.

Tell her that the inconvenience she's putting you through is bad enough.

And tell her that since it's her dress and she's the one canceling on you, she doesn't deserve her money back - she can have the dress back after the wedding and have it altered back if it means that much to her.

Absolutely do not send her money.

Sending it through western union means there's no way you can get it back - even if your friend decides not to send the dress after all.

It may be a good idea to go to the store you got the bridesmaids dresses from and find out if you can't get a last minute replacement - just to have a backup.

Answer 24

Your friend sounds like a very selfish person. How could she be like that especially around your wedding day. I would ask someone for the money- your parents maybe- and then write her off as a friend. When times are hard & important things come up, that's when you see who your true friends are. She obviously isn't one of them,