My brother and I don't get along. How can I fix this without becoming a punching bag?

Question

Okay, originally, this was going to be a huge post, but I'll try to snip it down a little--

We were both abused as kids, parents were manipulators/control freaks. My brother tried to dominate (turn me into a submissive little sister) me as a child, and I lashed out at him. He got bullied at school, while I turned into a bully (from being bullied). He's now a social butterfly, and I'm fairly anti-social.

He manipulates my mom and I try to call her attention to it. He thinks I'm the devil incarnate. Quotes from him:

"I could hit you if I wanted to, but I won't." "You should be afraid of me." "I'm the most generous person I know." "Don't talk s**t on President Bush in front of me!" "I'm stronger than you."

Me: "Hit me you pansy *****."

I'm 5'3, can't lift 50lbs, a little fat with a baby face. He's 6'2 about. Big burly guy, pretty strong. And he tells my mom I'm bullying him. I think he's pathetic, honestly. I'm not that intimidating.

He hates it when I'm better at something than him. Can't stand it when I win or when my life is going better than his. Won't play video games with me, cause when I win, he gets all angry. (Even when I've let him twice before.)

If I know more about something, he gets angry and says. "I'm smarter than you." I'll say - "I know more about certain things, while you know more about others." Then he'll say something like, "I'm older than you so I know more."

There are so many more things I could say about him and why I think he's pathetic and I guess this turned out to be fairly long. Anyway, what can I tell myself, what actions can I take for us to get along better? I want our family to be strong for my mom, as she's afraid we're going to drift away.

I've started referring to him for certain information like war history and such, when obviously I can learn it on my own. He seems to like that. But then he starts making up stuff. He's very insecure around me and I'm trying to get him to calm down, but when I'm nice, he starts to push me around. I'd like to not get bullied, but I want to have a big brother and I know I can't have one as long as I'm so defensive.

What can I do to fix this but keep myself safe from behind a walking mat? What can I tell myself to alter my perceptions on this? What actions can I take? Please help! I'm really at a loss here and I don't want to lose my family.

Last thing: He holds grudges and doesn't forgive easily. Won't accept apologies, so that's out of the question.

Answer 1

you are a girl, you will never win a physical fight with a guy.  don't push a guy to test the limits and ask him to hit you.  that is asking for it.

you don't need to prove anything to your brother.  your actions should not match the same level as his.  when he says he is smarter, you say "you do have smarts about various things".  when he says "I'm stronger than you", you say "yes, men are much stronger than women".

the only thing you can control is your own ACTIONS.  so you have to decide, do i want to continue the conversation as squabbles or let him have face but not get into it?  the way i see it, it's so not worth the time to argue with someone about these things.

you don't have to make him feel smart, especially when he makes up stuff and it can ruin your information.  you find out the information on your own.

when you are nice and he starts to bully, you WALK AWAY.  don't stand there and take it.  tell him, "please stop talking that way to me, it hurts.  if you choose not to stop, then i will walk away".  All you can do with people like your brother is to create boundaries for yourself.  you can only control your own words and actions.  

i know its not easy at first but once you get the hang of it it will be a load off of your shoulders. but you have to first make the choice for yourself.  GOOD LUCK!!

Answer 2

This probably wont help...But you got nothin to lose eh?

When he says something like , im better then you at this, just say..you probably are..or agree with him or something, if it doesnt work, then i dunno, what the chick up there said, ^, get therapetic help

Answer 3

He sounds like an immature, overbearing, manipulative narcissist.  You cannot do this on your own.  You must get to a therapist immediately.  Whether your brother is this way because of abuse or not is irrelevent.  The fact is, you are hoping for a relationship with your brother that you see on TV.  That doesn't exist for you.  The sooner you accept that, the better off you'll be.  Good Luck