My brother in law is a complete snob!?

Question

He lives in a different country to us with his wife and their daughter. He has a high paid job and thinks he is above everyone else. He once offered his brother in law some wine and not me and my husband, saying that we wouldn't appreciate it.

He also wouldn't hold our son when he was born and neither would his wife. We went to stay with them a couple of years ago and they were both rude to me and my husband and made us feel so unwelcome that i wanted to leave. His wife held back with my husband because it's her husbands brother, but with me she was short and nasty.

I'm not a nasty person, i'm friendly and get on with most people. I ffered to help her with dinner and helped wash and wipe up when we stayed with them and i'm never brash or rude back. So i can't see why they dislike us, especially me so much.

I've tried hard with them, i even emailed them regularly for a while, but they've barely replied. it's not the sort of thing you can ask them about because the things they do and say are so subtle. My husband has noticed this too.

My brother in law is the mother of all snobs, he even ignored his parents for a while because he was ashamed of where he grew up. This man is not my cup of tea and to be honest i get on with most people but they just don't seem to want to know. Then on the other hand they will send my son a birthday and christmas gift, yet they don't ever ask about him or how he is.

Do i ignore them completely. I'd feel guilty if i did that because then my son wouldn't know his uncle, aunt or his cousin. I need your advice please?

Answer 1

I think you're brother in law is a jerk, and exceptionally rude ... and I don't think your kids would appreciate having him or his awful wife foisted on them.

I think you'd be doing them a favour by NOT keeping up the contact.  

Answer 2

You arent going to win this battle.  I have also been in a similar situation many years ago.

They are terrified of being found out that their roots are humble or ordinary so they are going to avoid any contact with it like the plague.

You are not part of the new life so you represent where they came from.

Its insecurity in a big big way.

All you can do is to keep the contact light, send christmas and birthday cards, the odd e.mail keeping them updated of family events etc and then just leave it.

You wont change them.  You wont get them to alter the way they look at you and their past.  So dont waste your energy trying but rather save it for something you can make a difference to in life.

Dont hate them - they are shortsighted and silly and yet they are terrified.  They live in a house of cards and that can come tumbling down at any time.

So long as you understand that there is nothing whatsoever wrong with you.

Shame when this happens isnt it?

Answer 3

Be true to yourself. Don't drop to their level, carry on doing what you have been, everyone will soon see them for what they are.

Answer 4

If I was you I would ignore the tw@t (Sorry!!). I cant stand people like that. I have a uncle who, brags about money all of the time. He wouldn't be well off if it hadn't been for his wife.

Don't feel guilty . free your mind!!. I dont have anything to do with 3 of my uncles because they deserted there Mum & left everything to my Mum & when Nan died in June this year, its like (my opinion)"Well, I dont have to speak to you now!!"

Answer 5

You sound like you're describing my husband's sister perfectly.  Only I don't have the good fortune to have her in another country, she lives fairly close.  She visits when I'm at work to see my husband, and hasn't spoken to me in about three years, even when we meet at my in-laws for Christmas and family occasions and I speak directly to her, she'll ignore me.  She sends my kids birthday presents, but she couriers the presents over, when she lives 20 minutes from our house.  I personally want to be the better person, so I say hello when I see her, but to save on friction I don't invite her over.  

Answer 6

this is the guy whos avatar says "british is better"? er, what do you think he thinks of your attitude to his country?

would you enjoy his wine or have you made it known that you prefer beer better? maybe he thinks you have simple tastes.  

Answer 7

I think that you should not worry about the matter, you should continue with your acting of being friendly because it will keep the family together. I know how you feel the must be a right pain in the backside but try and forget about it. Life is too short for silly little stress-full SNOBS

Answer 8

Do you think I have time to read all that you must think I have nothing better to do you are sir a cad and a bounder.

Answer 9

Please do not ignore them completely for your son's sake. I have seen a similar situation happen with my own cousin. He fought for and got a place at Oxford university then carved out a high flying career with a merchant bank in The City. Good for him - he earned it.

But he too has become a total snob. I send him birthday and Christmas cards but he does not even acknowledge them let alone send any back now. He did not officially disown his own family but he might as well have done.

And yet even though I get on with most people I cannot get on with him anymore. Yet I still go thorough the motions. I believe I could be an inverted snob if I acted in a similar manner to him.

At least your son can see how not to act...

Answer 10

Prayer changes things. I wouldn't worry about what they think of you. You sound just fine to me. I'm sure that they are doing this because obviously something is wrong on their end. Kill them with your kindness. It would help if you did talk to them about it. A lot of times when you leave things unsaid it actually hurts more. The more you let it go on the longer it will last. The more it will grow too...so if you want to change thigns. I encourage you to pray first and then talk to them like an adult would. You know how to do it.