My brother is getting married and I feel terrible! - please help?

Question

My brother is getting married on September 6th, and i feel terrible. I am hurting so much, the bride to be is showing no consideration for any member of the grooms family, including my parents. The bride is the only daughter and her only brother is being the usher. All of the bridesmaids are on her side, and the pageboy is a second cousin twice removed so not exactly close family! however i have two children a boy who is 5 and a 7mth old, my little boy is doing nothing, I was asked to do the invitations and order of service, i brought all the things but then they did them on their own and didnt consult me or tell me - they didnt even tell me until i had an invite land on my doorstep! The seating plan for the reception is terrible too, im on the table furthers away from the bridal table, her family and brother are though- im really pushed out. I am doing a reading at the church but only because my mum has pushed for it and the fact that no-one on her side wants to read it, and as im a local preacher they basically see me as a get out! this is my only siblings wedding, and it really hurts, the bride is very unapproachable and really doesnt make an effort with anyone in my family. I have never left them out, they are god parents to my children and i have also made sure that i involve them. I used to have a very close relationship to my brother but now i dont get a look in, i even have to phone him on his mobile as if i phone the landline and leave a message with her she never passes it on. I have spoke to my brother but he has the blinkers on, its his first relationship and bascially is acting like a doormat!

The wedding is 3 weeks away, and at the moment i really dont know how im going to face the day without being in floods of tears.

many thanksx

Answer 1

tell her she's a jerk and an @$$hole, and tell her if she keeps it up you won't go to the wedding.

Answer 2

If u a Guy MAN UP AND TELL HER SHE IS A @$$!But is u r a girl tell her that's she is being a jerk.....but I'm a girl who would tell her that she is being a *****!.bUT IF U R A SOFT GUY  tell her that she needs 2 treat other people with respect!

Answer 3

I wonder just how much input your brother is getting in his own wedding.

It's not your wedding; it's not your family's wedding, either. It's the wedding of the bride and groom. Right now, the bride probably doesn't know that she's sowing a lot of disharmony in the family. Sooner or later, she's going to find out.

Meanwhile, I'd work on supporting my brother. As you say, he has blinders on right now. Sooner or later, they're going to come off and he's going to need the support of you and the family.

Be there for him.

Answer 4

She sounds like she may have a few control issues. Try to put yourself in her shoes. Many times a bride feels as if her wedding day is the one day in her entire life that it is all about her. She may feel this way and if she is focusing on herself totally it would explain why she is doing things in the manner she has chosen.As far as having your children involved, she may feel as if your 5 year old is too young to be in the wedding, especially if she has no children of her own, she may feel like a 5 year old might mess up and ruin her plans for a perfect day.

You are in a grin and bear it situation. Just try to make it through the day knowing that right or wrong you are keeping your mouth shut for your brothers sake. If he is happy with her there is nothing that you can do about it. It is quite likely that other people attending this wedding have feelings similar to yours. Be polite and smile,act like you are happy for the couple, get through the day and then find someone to vent to the next day.

Answer 5

The only complaint you justifiably have is regarding the invitations. She should have contacted you and let you know that she's already taking care of it, so now does not need your help.  

If your brother is being a doormat, that is his problem.  Sorry, but I know how you feel as I have a similar SIL.  My relationship with my brother basically ended after he became engaged and I can count on one hand the number of times he has called me since then (more than 25 years).  The last time he talked to my Dad was 10 years ago when he had a heart attack.  Apparently, since he won't be inheriting anything, he no longer makes any effort (that is how I see it). Yes, his wife is responsible for some of this, but ultimately realize that your brother APPROVES or he would get on her case about it.

Answer 6

oh honey let this go.  it's so not worth it.

Feel sorry for your brother.  If this isn't just a case of Bridezilla and if this is actually who she is then he's in for a very rough ride and eventually divorce.

no reason to add to anyone's stress--yours especially.  You may do something that you regret for years after the fact.

Answer 7

You really can't establish a relationship with your brothers fiance just before their wedding. Was an effort made before this to get to know her. It sounds as though your family is not all that close to your future sister-in-law. However it does sound as though she is not considering your families feelings at all but, it really is her day and yes your brothers' but they are handling all expenses themselves. You sound like a nice caring person but at this point I think you and your family should take a deep breath and relax. Traditionally the grooms' family does not have that much say in the wedding other than handing over their invite list. Be happy for your brother, enjoy the wedding and remember your own wedding. Would you really have liked your husbands' family interferring in your day ? As far as choosing the bridal party, it usually is mostly the brides' side. Be happy, smile and don't ruin your brothers' wedding day over trivial occurences. All the best and good luck.

Answer 8

Okay, understand that this is not YOUR wedding. I know you want to be involved, but the bride has no obligation to include you or your son in her wedding party, etc. If your brother wants his family more involved, it is up to him to tell his fiance that. But really, they are under no obligation to include you or your children in their party.

As for invites, yes it was rude for her not to tell you they were going to have them done themselves, but honestly, it could've been a mistake or mixup in communication. Planning a wedding is stressful and hectic!

I know this is your only sibling's wedding, but it is up to them how you are involved. It's okay to be upset, but honestly, if you make a big deal about it you are going to come off as childish. If you're actually going to be "flooding tears" the whole time, then I suggest you don't go because you're going to look ridiculous.

In short, they're paying for the wedding, they can do what they want.

Answer 9

I know that you feel hurt right now, but you need to realize that this day belongs to your brother and his wife to be. They have the right to choose who they want to have involved that day. You also need to look at it from a different point of view - a lot of brides have their weddings taken over by their moms and other family members. Since the parents of the bride usually pay for the wedding they usually want/demand to have a lot of input on what's going on. Who knows? Her mom might have just ordered the invitations and mailed them out without asking the bride...it just happens.

Instead of focusing on what the bride is not involving you try focusing on your brother. He sounds like he is going to need your support. Ask him if he needs anything done or what you can do to make his day special. What goes on behind the scenes isn't always acknowledged publicly, but it is usually acknowledged personally and I am sure that your brother would really appreciate your support.  

Answer 10

I hate to say this, but I wouldn't do the reading. I'd let someone else do it.  If your brother is standing back watching and letting her do this, then that's really sad.  But, there's nothing you can do.