Question:

My brother is terrorizing my parents & family. I'm afraid to visit home b/c I don't want to deal with him?

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He was abusive to me all through growing up and into adulthood. He's assaulted me before but I didn't press charges. Why? Because my parents would end up footing whatever legal bills came of that. He uses them and sponges off them. He's nearly 30 and has never held down a job. My mother used to straight up give her paycheck to him. He lives in another town and married this pregnant woman and assumed paternity for the child, so my parents thought they were helping him get on his feet so that he could raise a family. Well, no. He refuses to go to college or take out student loans, either. He weighs 400 pounds and sits at home smoking weed, eating and playing video games all day. He's a deadbeat. He's also verbally abusive to my parents. My mother finally cut him off b/c after over a decade of enabling him, she finally realized he's not going to do anything but get high and stuff his face. My dad still has some warped view of "hope" and gave him money for college tuition at a major state university where my brother was but is no longer enrolled. It's heartbreaking. They're elderly at this point (he was a later life baby) & are now both on fixed incomes. I want it to stop, but frankly, I live in another town hundreds of miles away, I have my own problems to deal with (work plus doctoral program plus a divorce), and sadly, whenever I bring up the subject, they say "don't speak out against him...we can't pick sides with our children..." and things like that. I know for a fact that he keeps calling my mom, threatening to commit suicide because she won't give him money...he also threatens to put her in a nursing home (unnecessary and I would fight it...she is independent and aside from being diabetic with high blood pressure, is not in a bad way and can and does take care of herself...he's just being vindictive). But she doesn't want to "talk about one sibling to the other". Why can't they just cut him off already? It's maddening. So that's the way it is...for now.

But I would still like to enjoy a weekend or holiday with them (my folks, aunts, uncles, cousins...) but NOT HIM. He's bi-polar, had AD-HD as a child and is emotionally disturbed. He's vindictive and just plain mean and I don't want to have to deal with him or cause drama by leaving when I know he's around. How can I handle this? What should I do?

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  1. wow! there's alot i could say to you, but i think everyone else covered it! i'm sorry you and your family are having trouble! i pray it will get better for you!!


  2. Maybe when you talk to your parents you can tell them that it's possible to love him but not enable him.  In fact, the most loving thing they can do is to stop enabling him so that he learns to get by on his own.

    It's interesting that your parents have the boundary that they won't talk about one child with the other, but have absolutely no financial boundaries.  What they are doing is perpetuating the problem with him, but you see that.

    His wife must be a saint.

    Instead of going home to see your parents, maybe you can pay to have them come to where you are, or all three of you go someplace together for a vacation.

    You might also want to help your parents get their affairs in order so that if they do get sick or, God forbid, one of them dies, they have things in place legally so that your brother can't hurt them financially or otherwise.

    Good luck with this.

  3. Contact Adult services and ask them to check on your parents. You can sue to get power of attorney over them where your brother would have to ask you for the money. Also medical power of attorney in case something happens to them you can make the necessary decisions.

  4. try to become your parent's power of attorney.  

  5. LOOK THATS REALLY SAD THAT YOUR MOM N DAD PUTS UP WITH HIM,,THEY REALLY NEED TO STOP GIVING HIM ANY THING,,AND TO HAVE HIM PUT IN JAIL IF HE ABUSSES THEM AGAIN,,CAUSE IF THEY DONT STOP,,HE WILL TREAT THEM LIKE THAT WEN THEY R OLDER,,AND AS FOR YOU,I DONT BLAME YOU FOR STAYING AWAY,,AND THERES NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO HELP OUT YOUR MOM N DAD TILL THEY GET TIRED OF HIS c**p...PEACE

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