My brother thinks i am spiteful for putting my son before my mentally ill mother, am i spiteful?

Question

The thing is she has never wanted to see my son or spend anytime with him or nothing since he was born, she is so wrapped up in her own life and alcoholism she doesn't care about anyone else. I know being an alcoholic is an illness but after not having any proper contact with her for the past 14 years of my life, due to me and my siblings being in foster care because of it, i have come to resent her. Besides everytime i have seen her she has either physically or mentally attacked me. In your opinion am i being unreasonable and spiteful?

Answer 1

Put your mother to rehab... If I was in your position, I would do the same thing.

Answer 2

No, cut off all ties with your mother and make a better life for your son. Don't expose him to what you had to deal with. When he's older or an adult, if she hasn't killed herself with alcohol by then, you can introduce him and let him make his own decisions regarding contact w/ her.

Answer 3

No no no and dont let anyone tell you differant.  Your child should alway come 1st give him the love, time and support she never gave you.  She could of got help if she really wanted it so you go do your thing with your family chicken.

Answer 4

You have evry right to put your son first.You have created a new life that does not involve her and that is her fault. Being an Alcoholic is an illness but help is out there if needed. She chose booze over her kids and now you are doing what any half decent monther does.....you are putting your child first!! Do not feel bad and do not listen to your brother.....everyone is different and once you have children you realise they are the most important little creations in the world.

Answer 5

i don't think you are spiteful at all you should put your son first every mother would, you have had little or no contact with your mother  so why would you at this time have to put your life on hold for her she didnt put you first ,

you should live your life not your mother's  you have your life to leed she was  and most likely still is a alcholic .

your brother on the other hand if thats what he wants to do look after his mother then let him do it  or is he just going on at you as he does'nt want to  do it ...

i think you all might want to sit down and talk about the whole thing  but to be honest if i where you i would put my kids first  escially  since  you had little or no life with the person you are calling a mother looks like you kids brought yourselves up not her ...good luck hun

Answer 6

Keep on putting your child first, your son needs stable influences. Put yourself way before your mother too, you have to keep yourself happy and safe to look after your son. That has to be your priority.

Your brother must do what he thinks is best for him but must not be allowed to pressurise you. You are not unreasonable or selfish.

Answer 7

no, i would put my child first too.

Answer 8

I hear many people talk about alcoholism as being an illness, sorry this is not a theory I subscribe to, your mother turned to drink for relief of other problems more than likely depression, she could have taken medication for depression, you have brought a life into the world, your son is your priority not your mother, I am of the opinion that alcoholism is a weakness and your mother didn't think enough of her children to leave the bottle, if she had wanted she could have stopped drinking but she didn't care and left you to looked after by others, you owe her nothing, alcoholism is a selfish escape from reality at the cost of relationships and loved ones, get on with your life and make sure your son does not go through what you did.

Answer 9

To be honest I donot know wheter your mother was caring to you or not. Any way you should care about your mother and may be she will get better with your better attitude. Because some time the people feel guilty of there acts and realize at any stage of life

Answer 10

I'd put my son first! I already am with my mother and my son isnt even born yet, but I'm doing it because she's addicted to drugs and puts her cheating husband before her entire family..so I know a little what you are going through. Your brother must not have any children, just wait..he'll feel the same way one day sweetie.

Answer 11

keep your son away from her.Maybe you could try talking to her on the phone,if that don't work then continue having no contact with her.If she needs to tell you something she can tell your brother then he can tell you.

Answer 12

No - I think that if your mother is not going to be supportive, regardless of her mental state, the time in your life has come to devote yourself to your son instead, who will need you more than she does.

Also, what of your brother? Can he not look after your mother now that you have a child?

Answer 13

I would write to her and let her know that you can't have her around your child until she is sober.  If she could get sober she could be a grandmother to your baby, but not until.

Answer 14

Look at it from a different perspective.

If she was a friend acting like this, people would be asking you why you let her near your son.

If this was your boyfriend acting like this, people would be reporting you to the authorities for letting them near your son. They would be saying run girl, don't go near this person, it's bad news, protect your self and your child.

Just because she is a relative, you don't have to be subjected to her outbursts. Why is it different because she is your mother? You have a duty to protect yourself and your child. Don't let your brother shame you in to being with a person that is hurting you. She's got an alcohol problem, but that's her problem, don't let it be yours or your boy's.

Answer 15

You are doing what your mother never did - putting your family first. I'm afraid we reap what we sow in this life, your mother put herself, her problems, her alcohol before you so why on earth should anyone expect you to be there for her now? My mother was a spiteful alcoholic but to people on the outside she was lovely. I had to cut her out of my life as it was affecting my mental health so when she became ill i felt unable to give her any support. I felt guilty for a few months after she died but i'm ok now because i know i've tried a damnsight harder to be a good mother than she ever did.

If anyone thinks that harsh then thats up to them. There is no reason for you to become involved in this womans life now. She gave birth to you, thats all. If she didn't care enough to be a good mother to you then you owe her nothing.

Be good to yourself and your family, be happy. Carry on being a loving mother to your son. I wish you all the best.

And tell your brother to get stuffed. Let him be there for her if he wants.

From what you say about your brother he takes after your mum, a selfish violent person who can't really show love towards another person. This explains why he takes your mothers side - he thinks her behaviour is ok. You are better than them.

Answer 16

Resenting your mother will not do you any good.  

Really, you should look at her as a stranger whose life is so saturated in alcohol that she has lost her family, the chance to know her grandchildren and probably her friends.

It must be bothering you if you post the question on here so you need to work on distancing yourself emotionally from her.  'Mother' is just a title. 'Mum' (or 'Mom') is a real person.

You have made a success of your life and are raising your own child like a mummy by protecting him - and you are right to do so.  If you have to feel anything, feel pity, although I doubt she is worth even that.

Answer 17

Be strong, You have created your own family now and your son is your most important person in your life and he needs you to protect him from people like her in his life.

I know the guilt that comes with disowning a parent but really you would carry around more guilt if something happened to or in front of your son.

Let the Guilt go and you'll be a happier person for your son's sake...

Good luck

xx

Answer 18

no your not! your being sensible you have a new life and son now to look after and protect! You havnt had much contact with your mother because of her illness and alcoholsim and it would not be a good idea to introdcue her to your son now, you know how her behaviour affected you as a child and your in your right mind not to want to put your child through this. Alcoholism is a horrible thing, not an illness though if your mum want contact then tell her to go to rehab and get clean!

Answer 19

no you have your priority right its just that he doesnt have kids and has a mum  and loves her so in a way everyone is right    keep that lovin feelin going its nice  do what you have to show the kids the right way  no matter what especially in your situation stay strong and good your the boss of what you do and you need to answer to you and the kids

Answer 20

no,  it doesn't sound like you are being unreasonable at all.

it sounds like you have made the best decision for you and your son.

Answer 21

i dont think you are being spiteful at all you are being a good mum and protecting your son

Answer 22

You are absolutely doing the right thing. by putting your son first. I have been both drug and alcohol dependent and while I was, I was incapable of putting anyone but my own needs first. You have first hand experience of what this is like and know better than anyone the damaging effects.

Your mother's problems are difficult but she has to solve them herself  - and it can be done if she is willing to get the right help. Her recovery is not your responsibility.

You are a parent to your son, not your mum, and considering your experiences you sound a very good one too. I could be wrong but it sounds like your brother doesn't have children. If he does he should be following your example.

Anyway, you stick to your guns. You are building a safe, secure future for you and your son. If your mum and brother want to stay caught up in the miserable drama of addiction let them. You all have a choice. And be proud of yourself.

Edit: I just saw Mustapha's answer. He is entitled to his opinion but I disagree. There is a well recognised behaviour associated with alcoholism/addiction called "enabling." Enablers are usually the people around the user - friends, family etc. Enablers ignore the unnacceptable behaviour of the alcoholic, or put up with it to keep the peace, encourage it or sometimes try to change the behaviour. Your mother's boyfriend is clearly an enabler (and co-dependent) and your brother too. Both of them accept your mum's completely unacceptable behaviour. Because they do she has less of a reason to change. Someone here suggested you write a letter saying she can't see your son til she's sober - good advice. The fact is you can't control her behaviour but you can yours. I've added this bit because you said when you posted this question before one answer said you should give her a chance. I know it's hard not to feel guilty if you don't, but this isn't your fault. If she wants a chance she's going to have to make it for herself. It wasn't until I lost something really important that I sobered up.

Answer 23

Im sorry but your brother is in NO position to be commenting anything to you on how you choose to bring your son up and who to see, Alcoholism is not an illness in my opinion, its easily treated I have no time for these people whatsoever!!

Answer 24

i would definatly put my child first,would you forgive yourself if she lashed out at your son...it may be hard but your doing the right thing..you sound like a fab mum.x

Answer 25

This it not wrong of you at all, When my Daughter is born she will be the only thing that is important to me. Nothing or no one else will matter. I probably can't be as helpful as others who answer but i just wanted to say i don't think you a being spiteful at all. :)

Answer 26

Hi im in the exact same boat as you i was in foster care as well and i also resent my mum i have a 15month old daughter and i always put her first before my mum i mean why should i care for my mum now after all these years of being neglected by her im sorry but she will have to look else where if she needs lookin after

also being a mum my self i cant even imagine doing that to my little one and cant understand how someone can be so selfish and crule to there own flesh and bood