My brother wants to find his birth mother,should I be more supportive?

Question

We were both adopted from diffrent families. Our mom past away in September, and sence then he has been wanting to find his birth mother. I feel like in doing so he is trying to replace my mom. Am I wrong for thinking this, and should I be more supportive of his choice, even thow I feel it is wrong? He has never brought up the idea of finding his birth parents before and is 31 years old, why does he need to now that my mom is gone, in your opionion is he disrespecting her ?

Answer 1

If your brother wants to find his birthmom, then it would be good to support him. As a reunited adoptee, I was able to love both of my mothers. When I searched for my birthmom I was NOT trying to replace my adoptive mom. I simply felt the need to know my birthmom.

Perhaps your brother waited until after your adoptive mom passed away so he would not make her feel she wasn't enough for him.

I know my adoptive mother was hurt when I searched. She felt like she had given me the best she could and yet I still wanted more. It wasn't that at all, just a need to know.

Answer 2

I don't necessarily believe that he is trying to replace your mother.  Or disrespecting her.  Nobody can read someone's mind.  But I were in his shoes, after loosing his one greatest supporter, I would want to reach out and find new connections.  

In a time like this, you need to forget the differences in opinion and love unconditionally.  Because everyone grieves differently.  

Also, please don't assume that birth mothers don't want their children.    That is not even close to the truth in the large majority of cases.  Birth mothers are women who love their children enough to make the greatest sacrifice a woman could make, in order to secure what they full-heartedly believe is the best possible life her child could live given her circumstances.   It isn't her fault if it wasn't.  She tried.

Answer 3

Well let him look for her. It's not like you can stop him but if he was adopted through foster care chances are will meet with her and discover she's a dead beat... Ever watch the andre fisher story? It's a movie with denzel washington in it... It's pretty good

Answer 4

The two issues, of his adoptive family and his natural family, are very different.   Almost every human has a desire to seek their roots.  For many it is to pursue genealogy. For people who are adopted, it can be search and reunion.  It also relates to a sense of identity and self.  

He may have been thinking for years of searching but has never had the courage and didn't want to hurt your adoptive mother.  Now he feels free to do it.

For what it's worth, some studies estimate that almost every adoptee searches sometime in their life, even if it is not an "active search" but just keeping watch for names, birthdates, family resemblance in faces, etc.   It is normal.

Answer 5

As a reunited adopted person, I can tell you that your brother isn't trying to "replace" your mom.  No one can replace her, just as no one can replace his first mother.  They both are different people with different roles and places in his life.  It's just that sometimes adopted people who wish to search are uncomfortable doing so while their adoptive parents are alive, so they avoid the issue until later.  Also, he is 31.  It's a pretty common time period for those who choose to search to do so.

I searched and reunited.  I love both sets of parents in different ways.  Neither "replaces" the other.  Wanting to know my own origins and wanting to know my first family has nothing to do with my love for my adoptive family.  

I reunited 7 years ago.  My adoptive mother passed away 3-1/2 years ago.  Having my first family in my life doesn't mean I still don't long for my adoptive mother.  I miss her greatly and I imagine I always will.  For some reason, I've been feeling that grief somewhat strongly today.  I don't know why.  It's not an anniversary or birthday or any other "special day."  I just feel it today.  I woke up with it.  Anyway, I'm getting off the subject here.  

Please try to understand that your brother's search is in no way reflective of his love for your mother, nor is he trying to replace her.  That's just not how it works.

Best to you,

Laurie

Answer 6

I would support him in his search.  This probably has nothing to do with replacing your mom, but more to do with curiousity and wanting to finally know the unknown.  Even if they meet and hit it off, it could never erase your mom's memory. It's fresh yet and you might fear she will be forgotten.  But, if he had a good relationship with her, that will never happen.

It might be BECAUSE he had a good relationship with your mom that he wants to do this.  Maybe it's way of honoring your mom, by searching out his bmom to let her know he had a good life.  It's hard to say what his true motive is.  HE probably doesn't even know.

You're right about the rejection.  All the more reason to support him, imo.  If he's rejected or disappointed, he will need a supportive sister, rather than someone with an 'I told you so' attitude (not saying that you have that).

Answer 7

How is that disrespectful? Perhaps he has simply waited until her death as to not make her feel bad. I simply think you need to be supportive. While it has not been your experience that 'something is missing' or you would like to know more, he may very well have had these feelings all along, and just wasn't ready to reveal them at the time.

Answer 8

Be supportive, it's his choice.

He probably feels this is a good time so that he wouldn't be able to hurt your adoptive mom's feelings.

I lost my mom when I was little, and when I was 18 I met my birth mom. She would never replace my adopted mom.

Answer 9

I think that you would be just supportive in helping him find his Birth mom.. Everyone would love to meet there birth parents and he would be very happy.. God is watching you...: ) so smile

Answer 10

I don't think that he is disrespecting her. I've heard of cases where the child is too afraid to look for their birth parents, for fear of hurting them, but once the adoptive parents dies it sort of gives them a freedom to be able to find their real parents.

I would be supportive of him, even if it is his way of greiving.

Answer 11

Dear JHT,

First of all, please accept my deepest sympathy on the loss of your Mother. I know you are both grieving and I hope that you find comfort in each other and your memories of her.

I think that your brother has been VERY respectful of your Mother. Perhaps your brother always wondered but never felt "allowed" or even comfortable about wanting to know while your Mom was alive because he didn't want to hurt her since he LOVES her. Perhaps her death released him from the fear and possibility of hurting her and gave him the freedom to wonder without feeling like he is betraying your Mom. You should talk to him and ask HIM how he feels.

I think you should be supportive if this is something your brother feels the need to do. It is pretty normal and it is NOT a way to thumb his nose at your Mom. He most likely wants to know about himself. Everybody should have a chance to really know the truth about themselves if it is possible and they want to.

I think you should support your brother and help him if you can. It will probably bring you closer and it could be good for you too. It will give you both a chance to grieve your Mom and it might be helpful for you someday if you ever decide you wish to find out about your past.

I wish I could say that all searches and reunions are easy and wonderful but the fact is some are not. Almost all of them are emotional and many are painful even if they are good! A few are devistating and some never happen or end in a cemetary. If your brother is going to go through this he will need your support. As his sister, his friend and his FAMILY. If things don't work out well you can help him cope with it. No matter what happens he will always have you! Family is all about supporting, accepting and loving one another, even when we don't always understand or agree and even when we are afraid of someone getting hurt doing something important to them - and yes, there are some cases where family have to know when to back off or shut up if we can't.

If we fail or we get hurt, FAMILY is supposed to pick us up, dust us off and say we'll get through this together because we still support you and we still LOVE you.

Your Mother will always be your Mother and you can continue to share her memories even in reunion. I bet your First Mothers would be very interested and grateful to hear about your Mom should you ever choose to share her with them. I am sure that they would probably have a great deal of respect for her and how wonderful a mother she must have been to you sine you are happy and healthy, love and are loved.You and your brother both have the possible opportunity and the CHOICE to make your family bigger and still honor and remember your Mother. There is no reason you can't do both.

I hope you can be supportive of your brother and that this experience is a good one for both of you. Best wishes for a happy and healthy future for you, your brother and ALL your family whether you choose to connect or not. Again, I am sorry for your loss.

Answer 12

No he is not disrespecting her.Maybe he always wanted to but thought that would be disrespectful.So he never talked about it.Maybe he also thinks you would be upset with him over this,as naturally you will have two different ideas on the subject.Maybe he waited out of respect for your and his mom.Best thing to do is talk about it you can't stop him if he really wanted to do this.It has so much pain involved,only he can be the one to decide.Hope you both will be happy with whatever you decide.

Answer 13

If he wants to know, he wants to know. I found my birth-mother when I was 10. My adoptive parents were a bit uncomfortable at fist, but they accepted it.

Answer 14

In my opinion, no he's not disrespecting your Mom.  He may have felt it would be disloyal to search for his natural mother while his (your) adoptive mother was alive.  I've come across that thinking/feeling a lot.  I'm adopted myself and I found my natural Mom in my 30s.  My adoptive parents are both still alive and well and have always supported my desire to search and develop a relationship with my natural relatives.

You didn't say whether your Mom would have supported his (or your) searching or not. Perhaps she would have been fine with it but maybe your brother doesn't/didn't know that.

I have 2 adopted siblings and one sister who is the natural child of our parents (my adoptive parents).  My little sister and I both have desired to "seek out our roots", so to speak, from an early age.  Our older brother never did...until he became a father.  That was at the age of 37.  When I reunited with my natural family, his desire to do the same intensified.  I was seeking a relationship (if possible).  My brother only wanted answers.  He has since found his natural Mom, as well, and they 'keep in touch' but have not met face-to-face and they both seem like they are fine with that arrangement.

Every situation is different and every search turns out uniquely.  (Is that a word? LOL.)

So, no, I don't think he's being disrespectful.  And, yes, I would suggest you be supportive, even if you do not agree -- or have any desire to do your own search.  You both have lost your Mom and he may need your support now more than ever.  Nobody could ever replace your Mom.  You each have two Moms and your natural Moms have both, always, been 'real' people -- even if not with any contact/influence in your lives.  Your natural Mom (and his) became a mother on the day you were born (if not before) and placing a child for adoption does not change that.

Best of luck to you!!

Edit:  You are right about the "what if he gets rejected..." concern.  It IS a possibility - a very real one.  And it seems you have very tender feelings about your brother and don't want to see him get hurt.  That's a great thing!  And I'm so sorry about the loss of your Mom.  Nothing will ever make that loss 'okay' or 'better'.  The desire your brother has may have been there for a very, very long time.  Long before your Mom passed away.  If you ask the question "What if he gets rejected?" then you really should, in all fairness, ask, "What if he gets accepted, loved, etc.?"  That possibility also exists.  That is what happened in my case.  I share a love and inclusion with my natural family that is amazing.  I also have a deeper and more mature bond with my adoptive family.  We are all in a big, mutual, love-fest...if you will.

When you say, "...who didn't want me in the first place..." are you sure?  I'm not saying you're wrong or trying to 'preach' here...but do you know the real circumstances of your first mother's relinquishment, from her point of view?  If you do, and she *really* didn't want you then you have your answer, but if you don't really know then I'd suggest you consider the possibility that there was more to it than that.  In any case, if your brother is determined to search there is probably little you can do to dissuade him.  He may put it aside for a time or he may choose not to share his feelings with you anymore but the desire to search will probably always be there (for him) if he's already said as much.

I truly hope you find the peace you are looking for and that your brother does, too.

Answer 15

If you don't want to search, that's your right.  Why rain on his parade?

If your 'mom' were a decent person she would have wanted to both to know your mothers.

That's love and respect.

Answer 16

You or your brother will not be disrespecting your mom, if he looks for his birth mom and if you support him as he looks.

He might have thought if he searched for his birth mom, while your adoptive mom was alive he would upset her. Regardless of what the reason is, be there for him.

Answer 17

I hope that you will support your brother.  Everyone responds differently to adoption and has nothing to do with how great of parents you both have.  This is not something that has to do with them.  It has to do with how he is feeling.  Please try and understand this.  You don't have to feel the same way, and you certainly are free to believe what you will.  However, you cannot control what HE feels. Nothing you do will change his feelings, but what you do could greatly impact your relationship with him.  So, if you are close and want to remain so, why not support him?  

I have to add that I am forty two and recently took up searching.  It seems out of the blue to my family but it really isn't.  Whether they understand or support me I will feel the same need to find answers for me and for my kids.  And 100% this is not about my relationship with any of them.  I love them, appreciate them, and could not have asked for better parents.  Still, I want to know my history.

Your brother very well may have felt a loyalty to your mother and felt that searching might hurt her.  He may feel now more able to search.  I hope that you will support him.