My child with Reactive Attachment seems suddenly cured?

Question

My son with RAD has seemed to get over every one of his issues and now wants to be around me every second! I am not complaining by any means...I've waited for this for over 2 years! But I am a little leary. He has been hugging me, signing "I love you" from across the room, and accepting my invitations to do cooking and chores together. For those of you with a RAD child, do you notice it go in stages that are darastic like this? He usually blows me off all of the time.

Answer 1

Ah yes...been there too. It is just another form of the disorder...don't be decieved by the sudden change. He is not cured.

When this happened with my son, it came at the same time that he finally realized that we were NOT nor ever would going to send him away. Then he became super super clingy. So fricken clingy. It is a positive sign, however, as he probably has realized the same and this is one of the major goals for kids with rads.

Suddenly everything changes and they try super hard, too hard, to gain approval and love which seems like a reprieve from the usual behavior of trying to drive you away. Now the testing will change...I also find that they get really emotional at this point. When they feel they have failed you they become very dramatic about it. They will be seriously helpful and try to "earn" your love. At the same time some of the old behaviors (ie lying, stealing, destruction) will seep back in and it becomes very confusing...they want to please you inorder to be loved and then they do something so rads-like that you are left trying to figure out what part of the game they are playing.

They may also try to engage you in constant conversations, asking meaningless questions over and over again, trying to continue any connection with you.

It is also at this point they may become possessive of you. Almost like a possessive abusive boyfriend. Jealous of other kids in the house, jealous of the relationship you have with your spouse. They will get angry when you sit beside anybody other than them. Everything you do with or to your other children, you have to do with them. They seem to feel any affection toward another is a slight toward them.

And so on and so on...

I spoke in general above, but these have been my experiences as so far. Your son may be different of course.

Rads is all consuming for these children and invades every aspect of their lives. That is why it is so important to watch for the signals, such as you are doing now. I have personally found that the only way to healing is to allow them to grieve it all in which ever way they can and to stand by them as they do so.

I wish you the best, good luck with this.

ETA rads is far more than attachment issues...

ETA 2  Everytime I reread my post I am not satisified with it lol. I forgot to add.. DO NOT REJECT him even if he gets so clingy you can't go into the bathroom without interuption. He needs to learn, perhaps for the first time, appropriate boundries in relationships. And this needs to be done carefully and firmly.

ETA 3 Don't be discouraged. He is trying to love you and that is something. That is progress. I am counting the days for when my son says "I love you" without the desperation attached to it. If he has come to this stage now, then you both must be working hard at it. I know how scary and frustrating it is. Especially when you love them so much. One minute you wanna scream and the next you wanna hug them. Just keep hugging. Remember, some kids never come this far. keep joy where you can find it with him.

Answer 2

We are currently pursuing older-child adoption, and at one of the adoption seminars we attended they said that they are hesitant to use the label RAD anymore because it makes the attachment disorder seem permanent and unfixable.  They told us that all adopted children (who were not newborns when adopted) have some form of attachment issues, simply because if they are adopted there has been a major disruption in their life.  They said that in most cases, a child placed in a secure, loving l home eventually becomes attached to their family, some just take much longer than others.

We also learned that about two years is what we could expect before we could really feel bonded with our child.  They have to trust first, then learn to love.  Maybe after two years, your son has finally realized he can trust you, and now is letting you love him.  I hope this is the case.

I'm sorry my input isn't from first hand experience, but I thought I would share some of what we've been learning.