My child wont behave help!!?

Question

my little angel is 2 1/2! and will not do what she is told. hits me, throws things at me, in store takes off runniing, i can not handle it please help and is always misbehaving i hate taking her any where everyone stares my family always says how she is misbehaving.

Answer 1

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I try to involve my kids in the shopping experience--for instance I'll ask her to "help mommy find the bananas" and we'll look together for them, making it a silly game, saying "Are these bananas?  No those are apples!" etc...  I also always bring snacks and a book, crayons and a pad, or a toy whenever I shop.  Then when the kid gets fussy, I offer the snack or treat and the toy and it usually buys me enough time to get my stuff and get out of the store.  If it doesn't, I come back later when I can have a better behaved kid.  If I can't come back later and need it now, I carry the kid, ignore the tantrum, buy my goods, and take the kid home where I can meet her needs.  I don't punish in these situations.  I don't make a big scene -- that's often what they are trying to acheive with their behavior, so if you appear uneffected the interest in continuing the behavior lessens for them.  So the key to this issue is good timing and keeping your child interested in what is going on around them and if that fails, giving them another activity or toy to focus on -- we like to take a stuffed animal with us when we shop and when my daughter gets bored, we'll pull out the stuffed animal and play act.  I'll have it ask me questions like "what are we looking for?  Can we go now?  Are we done yet!" in an exasperated exaggerated tone.  I'll laugh and say "Not yet, but soon" and pretty soon my daughter will join in saying things like "No bunny, you have to be patient, momma is not done yet."  It helps!  Actually I use stuffed animals and puppets to model situations with her a lot and it always works well.  For instance when she's in a good mood, I'll use animals or puppets to play act--momma bear will send a misbehaving baby bear for a "calm down spot" time out to illustrate the right behavior.  It works!

Issue 1: WON'T DO WHAT SHE IS TOLD

This one like the issue above is a time related one.  Her mood, sleepiness, hunger, how much attention you've given her, how much active play time she's had--they all effect her ability to listen.  So, if a need above is not being met it can effect their responsiveness and willingness to listen.  Also, kids at this age are scientists.  They are constantly experimenting and working--their work is play so you may not see it, but it's there and it's important work.   Through play they discover their world and their role in it.  And sometimes when they are engrossed in something that may look insignificant to you they have a hard time listening because they are experimenting and working and their attention is absorbed by that activity.  Do you remember on Charlie Brown movies when the teacher would talk and the kids just heard "wuuwuu wuuu waaa wuuu waaa".  That's what's happening here too.  You speak and it's background static to them because the thing they are doing is so fascinating and engrossing.  When kids that age don't listen sometimes you need to get down at their level, stop them, and speak clearly to them.  Shouting doesn't help.  Repetition helps a bit, but also can overwhelm them.  Make sure you are using easy to understand sentences.  Make sure it's clear exactly what you want.  Don't say "Mama doesn't like it when you don't listen, I'm trying to talk to you, do you hear me? I want you to come and eat!, You're hungry, you need to eat now."  Say "come and eat now.  You can play with that after you eat."  

Issue 4:  FAMILY CRITICISES HER AND YOUR PARENTING

That's a common issue.  I can't tell you how to deal with your family, because culturally we are all different in how we interact with our families. But I can say that I would suggest that you tell family members that you love them, and value their advice and appreciate their insights into your daughter, but for her self esteem you need them to discuss behavior issues with you privately, and at a later time when you aren't feeling sensitive to the topic. If the criticism is made while she is present it can hurt her self esteem.  If the criticism is directed at you rather than her in her presence, it can hurt her self esteem and effect your relationship and how she sees the family member and you.  Don't allow criticism of your child or yourself to be made in her presence--and keep in mind that she may not look like she is observing all of this, but she is.  She is a little sponge soaking up everything around her.  Criticism from family can make her resent the family member and act up more when she is around them.  Criticism from family can lead to low self esteem which in turn can effect her entire future life.  Don't bring your child to see family when she's tired, hungry, needs to play, needs your attention etc... and the behavior issues will clear up.  We time visits with family to when our children are best behaved and most likely to mind us.  

Good luck.  Kids are great and the two's can be terrific rather than terrible if you want them to be and are attenative and loving and patient with your child.  Be consistent with your rules and use time outs when needed but don't OVERUSE them or they will cease to work for you.  Aside from time outs, try distraction!  If a kid is doing something you don't like or want them to do, try offering something else to them that you do want them to do.

Good books!

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk: - Faber & Mazlish

Redirecting Children's Behavior - Kvols & Riedler

Positive Discipline - Nelsen

The Discipline Book - Sears

The No Cry Discipline Solution - Pantley

P.S. Take a moment to fully appreciate all you do for your child and give yourself a pat on the back.  Parenting is hard work and we all get stressed out and worn down by our little angels, whether we're single parents navigating this on our own or we're able to stay at home with them full time and have an active involved spouse or partner.  Coping with twos is one of the hardest things a parent will face.  Be consistent, be caring, be calm.  Trust your instincts and enjoy it.  Life get's better and better with this guys (until they are teens and then all bets are off).  :)

Answer 2

You need to start putting her into time out each time that she misbehaves.  You have to stay on top of it though or it won't work.  When someone else watches her they need to do the same thing.  Since she is 2 then it's 2 mins.  It might take a while but if you stay on top of it then soon she will get it and calm down.  When her time is up tell her what she did wrong and why we don't do that.  When she gets a little older you will have her tell you why she got punished.  But for now you need to tell her.  If it happens in the store then when you get home she gets put into timeout.  Watch supper nanny they always have such wonderful ideas on that show.  I use them all the time and they work!!  Best for luck getting through the terrible twos!!  Just a heads up I think that 3's are worse :(

Answer 3

maybe you should have given birth to an adult ..then parenting wouldnt be so difficult on you

Answer 4

mine dose the same i put her on the leash in stores and keep her in the cart you just gotta say "NO"

Answer 5

I started at six this morning and here I am at 5 finishing it up!  LOL  It's cropping my response, so I will log in as a new user to post the rest!

I have several suggestions, topping the list of which is to start using "TIME OUTS",. But first, take a moment and breathe and stop beating yourself up and feeling like there's something wrong with her.  You're doing fine and she's a perfectly normal kid.  Parenting is hard work and you sound like you are coping on your own, which is draining and hard.  Breathe! She's a 2 1/2 year old and testing boundries is what 2-3 year olds DO.   Since testing boundries is her job, establishing reasonable boundries and consistently, calmly, and lovingly reinforcing them is yours.   With preschoolers and toddlers you have to pick your battles carefully and decide what issues ARE REALLY IMPORTANT to you.  

Most undesirable behavior occurs when a child is NOT well rested or they are hungry or haven't had enough active playtime or attention from you.  An important thing to know about 2 1./2 year olds is that they need a lot of sleep to be well behaved.    A 2 1/2 year old needs about 12 hours of sleep each day, one long stretch of 8-10 hours and one or two naps.  If your child is not getting the sleep, the attention, the physical activity or the nutrition they need--they will misbehave.

You mentioned four issues:

1. WON'T DO WHAT SHE IS TOLD.

2. HITS YOU and THROWS THINGS AT YOU

3. RUNS AROUND THE STORE and EMBARRASSES YOU

4. .FAMILY CRITICISES HER AND YOUR PARENTING

Issue 2: HITS YOU and THROWS THINGS AT YOU

I'll start with issue number 2 because that one is the most important.  She cannot be allowed to hit you or throw things at you.  There are two main rules of childhood that all children must learn and take to heart and they are that mom and dad cannot allow them to hurt anyone and cannot allow anyone to hurt them.  If she hits you, you need to CALMLY grasp her hand and firmly say "WE DON'T HIT, THAT'S NOT ACCEPTABLE."  If she does it again, then relocate her to a chair, step stool or spot that she will be safe in, sit her down and say "THIS IS THE CALM DOWN SPOT" or "Time out seat"  or something similar.  I would avoid words like "Naughty Chair" because they may make your child feel bad about herself and you really want to build a healthy happy girl with good self esteem.  Then tell her she has to stay in the "Calm Down Spot" until she calms down and can tell you she is sorry for hitting you (or throwing things at you).  She will balk.  She will get up.  She will have a tantrum.  That's all normal.  Stay calm.  Be patient.  Your goal and purpose is not to punish her for hitting you or throwing things--IT'S ABOUT TEACHING HER THE PROPER WAY TO BEHAVE.    DISCIPLINE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH PUNISHMENT--it's from the root word DISCIPLE, like Jesus' followers.  A disciple is a student and discipline is your method for teaching.  You are using the "TIME OUT" to give her and you a chance to calm down, to establish clearly that you are the parent (teacher) and that she is the child (disciple).  You are using the time out not to punish, but to teach her what the limits and rules are and to respect and care for her parents.  That's a huge task for both you and her and it will be your task for the next 18 years.  When she balks at the idea of sitting or gets up or throws a tantrum, STAY CALM, and firmly but gently return her to the seat,  If you have to hold her there do so, but do so gently and firmly.  She may hit you again.  Again take her hands and hold them and say "WE DO NOT HIT, THAT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE." and hold her on the chair (not in a bullying way, just in a firm and loving way) and reiterate that she must stay on the "CALM DOWN SPOT" for 2 mins. until she is CALMED DOWN and can say that she is sorry for hitting you.  Be calm.  Be patient.  Be firm.  IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST TIME USING A TIME OUT, IT WILL PROBABLY TAKE SEVERAL ATTEMPTS WITH IT FOR THE CONCEPT OF IT TO CLICK FOR HER--THAT'S NORMAL. So, if she's still refusing to sit or calm down after 5 minutes or if you find you are LOSING IT yourself, give yourself a calm down of your own, and remove yourself from the situation for a bit.  When she is calmed down (some kids will wail and carry on for a good twenty minutes before they calm down, some will stop crying the second you remove yourself from them), you can talk about the issue again and try again.  By remove yourself, I mean go into another room in the house, don't shut the door, just go into another room to calm down for a few minutes.  When you feel up to the challenge again, you can return and approach the matter again.  When she is calm, tell her you love her, and that you understand that she was angry and upset, but that hitting you is not acceptable.  Tell her she needs to tell you she is sorry.  Do all of this in a calm, loving voice.  If she melts down and goes thermonuclear on you again, return her to the "calm down spot" and repeat, but in my experience, once the initial flare up is over kids generally will say they are sorry, especially if you tell them that you love them and that you understand that they were mad--but that hitting IS NEVER OKAY.   Once she says she is sorry, let the matter drop.  Tell her that you are PROUD of her for telling you she is sorry, and that you know she won't hit you again, because hitting is wrong.  Give her affection and love and attention.  

At various points starting now when things are presumably okay between you and before the next hitting incident occurs, talk to her about hitting.  There are lots of books about hitting that you and she can read together to reinforce that hitting is a no-no.  I'd recommend talking with her about the rules before the situation comes up.  Just say something like "Is hitting someone OKAY?" and then shake your head and say "NO, hitting is not okay--we should never hit when we are angry.  When we are mad we can do other things instead" and come up with some acceptable ways to express anger in your household.  Kids love to help you figure these things out, and to feel involved, so involve her in the topic.  Ask her what some ways to deal with anger are and she may surprise you.  She's been watching you carefully to see how you deal with anger and she may have some astute observations on the matter.  I've had kids suggest lots of things from going "GRRRR" like a bear, punching a specific "mad pillow" in frustration, to just vocalizing the words-- I AM MAD -- to the parent.   Being a two to three year old is a tough job, made tougher when the world all of a sudden goes from being about open exploration and wonder to learning rules and pleasing others--before they are developmentally ready to deal with any of it.  So remember, it's a tough time for them too!  The true key to a well behaved child is a well behaved parent.  You need to be calm, patient, loving even when they are pushing all your buttons!  It's hard to do.  This is a challenging time.

Issue 3: RUNS AROUND THE STORE and EMBARRASSES YOU

First off--what anyone else thinks is irrelevant.  If people are looking at you or you feel they are judging you remember, it's just static in the background of your parenting that you need to tune out so you can properly do your job as a mom.  When are you shopping?  Is it after your child has had a nap, a meal, some attention from you, and some exercise and outside play?  If not, try timing your shopping better.   I don't try to get shopping done unless my kids are well rested, fed, and have had some playtime with me out and about at the park.  Late afternoons are the worst time for shopping with my 3 year old--she's tired, she needs a snack, she has pent up energy that needs to be released at the park and she consequently has a hard time focusing, listening and behaving.  She can't sit still during that time and if I've been running around doing errands all day, she's starved for attention from me and will act out to get it.  That's all perfectly normal, reasonable behavior for a kid in that situation.   The real key to a well behaved kid in the store is to make the shopping trip at a time when she is inclined to listen and behave--when she is rested, fed, has already worked out her energy at a park or whatever and is inclined to be cooperative.  If I must shop during that time when she is tired, hungry, bored and wants my attention--I put her in the shopping cart and buckle her in to keep her from running around like a wild thing.  

I tell her in advance before I get to the store what behavior I want to see.  I say "Mommy needs to shop for some things.  When I'm in the store you need to be a good listener.  I will go as quickly as I can because I know you are tired, but I need you to sit in the cart (or hold my hand if there isn't one) and I need you to be a good listener."  That conditions my child to know that I expect something from her in the situation.  Then if a behavior problem occurs, she understands that it is following from her not meeting my expectation.  Keep your expectations reasonable!  Don't push your luck while shopping with a cranky kid--get what you need and get out.  If a melt down occurs, the best thing to do is leave with the child and come back for the shopping at a later point if you can.  Just scoop them up and take them out to the car.  Don't yell, blame them or be nasty about it.  THEY ARE TIRED, HUNGRY, NEED TO PLAY.  It's your job as a mom to meet those needs before you take them out.  To be angry with them when they have a need that was not met is unfair.  To expect perfect behavior when they have needs that are not being met is unreasonable of you.

Answer 6

Welcome to the terrible twos!  Best thing to do is just turn and walk away.  They only carry on for as long as you let them.  Let her have her little temper tantrums...when she finally sees that they do not good (youve left the room), shell stop.  Let her know also that until she can behave like the little lady she is, she will no longer be given the privalege of going to the store, in the car, to the playground, etc.  Shell only push your buttons if you let her and YOU are the one in control.  Just walk away.  If it continues to persist (which I doubt), then itll be time to remove her favorite things, i.e., stuffed animal, favorite movie,  special toy, etc.  Let her know she will not get them back until her behavior improves.  Have you tried time outs?  Just remember....do not raise your voice or start confrontations.  JUST WALK AWAY and ignore her pleas for attention.

Answer 7

my son 2 years old does the same thing i think its their age. but he is good when we go out and horrible at home. i try everything but he still wont listen, we spank him and he laughs. recently we discovered flicking.. lol sounds mean but works. ur not hurting them and its better than beating them (which you want to do when they act out like that) just one little flick, dosnt matter where, my son hates it and it makes him listen.

Answer 8

GET USE TO IT! I LIKE YOU HAVE A 2 1/2 YEAR OLD. I KNOW THEY ARE ROTTEN, THEY DON'T LIKE TO LISTEN, THEY LIKE TO DO EVERYTHING THEMSELVES, THAT'S JUST PART OF IT. ALL YOU CAN DO IS MAKE SURE YOU ARE FIRM ABOUT IT EVERYTIME, NOT WISHY-WASHY, (IT'S OKAY SOMETIMES SOMETIMES IT'S NOT) THAT CONFUSES THEM.

YOU CAN DO TIME OUT, MY DAUGHTER HATES THOSE. BUT YOU CAN ONLY DO MINUTES=THEIR AGE. THAT'S CONSIDERED THE RIGHT THING.

I KNOW IT'S HARD, I'M THERE WITH YOU. HANG IN THERE IT'LL GET BETTER!!

GOOD LUCK!