My children's first father is already thinking about dating agian?

Question

His long-time girlfriend, my children's first mother, just died a month ago. I think this is horrible. It's too soon! Not only was she my friend, so I think that it is dishonorable to her memory, I think it's too soon for my kids to have to deal with it. How can such a beautiful woman be replaced so soon? Am I over-reacting?

Answer 1

I would imagine that grief and loneliness are at the root.

I don't believe you are overreacting and I can absoutely see how you would have genuine concerns, but the bottom line is, he's alone... you are not.

I would suggest that you urge him to get help to deal with his grief, however, unless he asks, or if his behaviour becomes destructive to your children, then who he shares his life (or his bed with)  is really none of your business.

That being said, I believe you are correct that your children might not be ready to be exposed to any new women in their first father's life, and you have that right to limit any interactions with her and I believe he must/should respect that.

I am sorry for your pain and for your children's... and for his.

Answer 2

Sounds like a common situation when someone is going through the grief process.  My uncle's long time wife passed away many years ago when I was younger and he was married again within the year, in spite of everyones urging to not do it.  It lasted about 3 years before it ended in a bitter divorce during which she actually tried to get custody of my uncle's children, just because.  

I think it speaks more to the level of his pain and loss then his disregard/disrespect for your friend that he lost.  Support and calm guidance is what he needs although ultimately it will be his decision what to do.  It's going to be a bumpy ride I think but just be there for him, and especially the children, as much as you can and be there when he comes around.  He's hurting and not thinking right I think.

Answer 3

I'm sorry you and your/her children are having to go through this! So sad!! I don't think you're overreacting, but from personal experiences, many men I've known have moved really quickly into other relationships when their spouses have died or have dumped them. I don't think it's a good move, but I don't know how to make someone not long for that companionship and the 'must have it now' sort of feeling. Hope it works out for you all!

Answer 4

We all grieve in our own ways.  There are some people who just move on easier. Since this woman has not been gone even 2 months it is odd. Perhaps being with another woman is the way he dulls the pain.  Since he has two young children under his care that could be another reason he wants to get out in the field more quickly.  I can not even imagine getting a new dog or cat  so soon after one has passed way let alone dating again so soon when ones spouse or significant other has died.

I do agree your kids dont need to deal with this even more the older ones who can remember their mother. I would advise the first father to keep his love life away from his children at least the older ones.

Answer 5

I think that his girlfriend's death left a void in his life, and he's grieving hard and trying to fill the emptiness. I doubt he's trying to dishonour her memory, or that he doesn't care. I think it's more likely he's trying to feel something, and trying to make himself less lonely.

I think the best thing you can do is be a friend, and try to help him realize someone is there for him. I agree this isn't totally healthy, but I don't think it's something you can fix.

I think you're absolutely right that the kids shouldn't have to deal with it, though. I think you should talk to him and try to reach an agreement that he won't drag the kids into it. This isn't the time for them to try to adjust to someone new like that, especially since the relationships probably aren't going to last at this stage of grief, and if the children did get attached they'd only end up losing someone else.

I would talk to him about practical strategies to keep what he needs to do to grieve from interfering with the children's lives or making THEIR grieving process more difficult and painful.

Answer 6

I don't get it either.  

Answer 7

My adad remarried less than 10 months after my amom passed. We were moved into a new house with her only 5 months after. It sucks to be honest, having to grieve such a major loss and accept a new "mom" so soon. You may not be able to change what he is doing but you can help the little ones deal with their losses. I know I would have loved someone to help keep my mom's memory alive instead of ignoring her and what she meant to me.  

Answer 8

Huh? First father? FIrst mother?  I am sorry but I don't understand

Answer 9

I would just focus on the kids because the guy is going to do what he wants. Tell him how you feel it will affect the kids and ask if him if he can't wait then don't let the kids know about. I don't get people sometimes but then again I don't have a lot of respect for the way parents are raising their sons. You know..the b*tches and hoes to the disneyland dads thing.  He should be focusing on the kids right now but its a little to late to teach an adult boy to man up. Good luck.

Answer 10

Hm...He is probably not thinking with his brain....(if you know what I mean)

That being said, I would suggest if he wants to run around with ladies, that the children be "shielded" from these ladies for a time, as they mourn.  His behavior will have a negative impact on them and bring up many angry feelings at him and at her.  Therefore, you should tell him that until your children have "moved forward," his lady friends are not welcome.

Answer 11

Wow.  That's tough.  I'm willing to bet that his emotions are in turmoil right now, in a pretty major way.  I'm almost willing to bet you money that s*x (i.e. "love") is how he deals with his feelings.  I'd also be willing to bet that his desire for a new woman has nothing whatsoever to do with the loss of his love.  He needs a place to put his loneliness.  And for a man who is emotionally tapped out, a soft, warm, cuddly woman could feel like the perfect solution.  I doubt he wants to replace his love (unless that's what he said he's after - in which case, yeah, he's a prick).

There are people who are extremely physical in their expressions.  Sometimes it's unhealthy, sometimes it's due to past trauma, sometimes people can have great "heart" boundaries, but terrible "body" boundaries.  Whatever the reason, I bet this is just what he needs right now.  And as sad as it is for Teresa, I'd be willing to bet it has nothing to do with her.

Give him some condoms and lots of hugs.

ETA:  Wow...he really has the whole world on his shoulders right now, doesn't he?  I think if it were me, I'd ask him if it's ok if he gives some of his burden to you.  I know that he has already done that by allowing you to help with his other children, but maybe he hasn't really thought it out.  I don't know if you're a big Ozzy Osbourne fan or not, but on his new album, there's this amazing song called, "Lay Your World On Me".  Play that for him, and let him know you want to share that burden, and he doesn't have to carry it all.

Wow, what an emotional time.  The more people sharing the burden, the lighter it feels.