My dad sexually abused me when i was little and...?

Question

.....when i was 9 my mom turned him in. hes in jail right now for sexual abuse, and i might be able to see him when he gets out in november. but i dont know if i want to. i want to have a relationship with him but i dont at the same time. please tell me what you would do? (im 14 if ur wondering)

Answer 1

Only you can make the decision to forgive him or not. It is extremely hard to give advice on such a sensitive subject. I was sexually abused as well, and a few months back my abuser died from cancer, I never got a "I'm sorry" from him, and I never forgave him for what he did to me. I have heard that forgiveness leads to healing, and I hope he is sorry for what he did to you and your able to forgive him, but only you can make that decision.

I hope your never alone with him if you should decide to see him.

Answer 2

My Heart goes out to you, and I DO understand completely.

I hope that you have gone through "victim" therapy > so that now you are no longer a victim, but you are a SURVIVOR.

If, you have not had this therapyy, group or otherwise, I highly recommend that you DO get into group, and just begin to talk about your REAL feelings, with others that have been through the same ordeal.

I will give to you some very basic clues, that will help you to answer to yourself how you will handle your future relationship with your father.

First of all, I'm sure you understand by now, that not all people are balanced in the right way.  And you understand that not all people know how to LOVE in the right way.

What your father did has nothing to do with "love".

As with your father, when he was younger, something in his mind got twisted, and his thinking became twisted.

He lost control forever of his own personal ability to discipline himself, or love in the right way.

Without such discipline , people would be out of control animals.  This is your father's curse.  He dabbled in the forbidden, and it twisted him forever.  

Please understand that he may try to cure his mind and abilitiy to control, and he can be a clever liar, and try convince others that he's ok...but he never will be normal.

Chemical or physical castration is the only answer for such sick people.

Now, to your question.  I'll give you the way you SHOULD BE thinking about his illness.  And you can work on getting that frame of mind, for your SURVIVAL mind set.

>>> Example parallel:  If someone you loved in your family learned to bite others when they want something, and nothing or no one could figure out how to stop them from biting, then your reaction would be, "Wow!  I love my brother, just because he's my brother...BUT I sure don't love the way he bites!  

I never will, and he's really pittiful that he can't get well from biting people.  

So, I better not ever get in a corner with him to where he can bite me!  And since he's strong as an adult, I need to always be with another person in his company, so he can't corner me and bite me.  

It's sad my brother bites, and I'm very glad I don't bite.  

I have a life that is normal, and free of bites.  Oh, yes, I have a scar on my arm where he bit me once, but it healed, and now, I won't ever allow him to bite me again.  I'll just have my normal life, love him (from a distance), and feel sorry for him."

Now,  I hope after reading that, you might decide to memorize it, so you can have it in the future when your feelings run amuck because of how you hurt. And yes sometimes, when you are feeling low, you'll remember the hurt...but remember YOU are normal, and your trusted him, and he "bit" you anyway.  So you won't ever let that happen again.  End of hurt.

You need to stop hurting now.  

You need to pity your Dad. When you feel for him, feel pity.

And yes, you can visit with him, and love him in a way, but knowing that Dad "bites", you'll want to keep your distance, and never get close enough to touch him.  It's best for him, and it's best for you.

YOU are a survivor, and you are normal.

It's him that is twisted.  Still, he is your Dad, and you should be civil to him, for short greetings, and superficial conversation.

Once more thing.  He is capable of doing this a again to another young, trusting, helpless person.  Warn others.

Don't trust him ever.

A very very healing thing for you to do for yourself, is to get well in your mind, put it totally behind you, and part of that is to help others that are still trying to heal.

You can be exactly what you want to be,

no matter how many times in life you get "bitten".

Just learn the difference in people, and careful who you trust.

LoveNHugs

^j^♥

Answer 3

Counseling before you make contact. This can help you put things in perspective and prepare you for what may happen.  It's your father, your life...just arm your self with knowledge and prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

Good Luck & Be Safe !

Answer 4

I think you need to have some counselling before you make a decision, this can be really tough on you, but to enable yourself to move forward you have to understand what and why it happened, you may feel that you want to see him and have a relationship with him at the moment, because you love him and he is your Dad, this is where your confusion will come in, if you do see him this could will bring back memories, emotions and feelings you will find hard to understand without expert help, you will feel all sorts of feelings from love to anger, guilt to fear. So I would suggest you talk to someone you trust to help you seek some counselling to help you decide also to support you if you decide to see him. Good luck.x

Answer 5

If he really regrets having hurt you and asks to be forgiven then it's good, but if he is mentally sick you should stay away from him.

Answer 6

I was abused by my father from the time I was four until I was 16.  My mother and family found out about it when I was 12yrs old, but unlike your mom, mine begged the officers to let us work it out in therapy (I'm 39 now).  The hardest part for me was forgiving myself and letting go of the guilt.  As I got older and my dad and I started talking about it more openly, he started taking full blame, and that was the biggest thing that helped me forgive him was when he accepted responsibility.  Whether or not you want to forgive your dad, let alone have a relationship with him is a decision you have to make.  It is a conscious issue everyday of your life.  No matter what you decide do your best to not let the situation determine how you're going to live your life.  You can choose to let it be a reason for who you are/become or you can use it to rise above and make you a stronger person.  You now have something you can offer to others in the same situation as you...experience.

Bright Blessings

Answer 7

Forgiveness is the key to healing.  As far as keeping a relationship.  It's harder to heal if there is a relationship.  I'm a guy and it happened to me too.  At first i was mad a God for letting it happened.  But then I realized that we are not puppets and people can hurt other people.  When this happened I knew i had to forgive.  It was hard....but over time I was able.  I can't be around that person any more.  It was a family member and even though I can't handle seeing them....I forgave them.  I only had healing after I forgave.  I never got "I'm sorry" and I'm not strong enough to keep a releationship with the person.  Maybe you are but please, please, please be careful.  You could get hurt more (undealt with feelings).  It may be best to cut ties.  A father figure is not supposed to do things like that to his daughter.  There's some questions you need to ask yourself.  Is he sorry?  Did he ask for my forgiveness?  Did he admit what he did?  

He will always be your father and you will always love him in some type of way but sometimes it's best to end the relationship for your well being and healing.  

Answer 8

Hi..

I am so extreamly sorry that happened to you!

:[

I dont think you should see him.

Answer 9

I'm sorry bout what happened to you it is a very sick thing to happen to someone especially someone so young

and to answer your question i would stay as far away from him as possible cos you never know what he is like and what he could do to you now (when he gets out) and if he tries to get in touch with you with out someone official there you should inform someone about it

and only getting 5 years for sexual abuse on a 9 yr old is pathetic