My daughter and husband HATE each other!!?

Question

I already asked this question but left something out. I was afaid to put it on here, but I don't feel like I can get a good answer unless I am thourough. So please read and see what I added at the bottom.

I have a 14 year old daughter (who has a very bad attitude and very disrespectful) and she and my husband could not get along. They constantly fought and both of them were at fault. Him as much as her. I ended up moving out because my daughter/husband was miserable.

We have been separated for 6 months now. I miss him so much. We still talk and see each other every once in a while but still nothing has changed. She says she will never live with him again and he says the same thing. The situation is so unfair because I am right in the middle. The last conversation we had I suggested marriage counseling. I have already put my daughter in counseling and I go as well. When I mentioned it to him he said..."How is a counselor going to make me not hate your daughter". I had no choice but to tell him that it was over unless he would do something to work through his anger and fix his part of it. He says he doesn't want a divorce and loves me very much. I feel the same way but if he's not willing to do anything or see he's part of the problem then what can I do. I am a christian woman and don't believe I should get a divorce but what else can I do. Do I just sit around and wait for him to decide he wants to work on our marriage? Do I leave him because of the way he feels about my kid? Do I let go? Move on? just don't know what to do anymore.

She has also accused him of looking at her innappropriately (down her shirt). He says he didn't and is now afraid of what she could say. I just don't know if she is saying this so I won't go back or if it is true.

Answer 1

Unless he gets over his anger and accepts your daughter, do not get back together with him.  

Answer 2

The part that jumps out at me is that your husband says he "hates" your daughter.  This strikes me as extremely immature and more of a problem than teenage disrespect when she's obviously had a difficult childhood.  Yes, she should be in counseling, but with a man who say he hates her as a stepfather I'm not surprised she's troubled. I'm sure her behavior causes a lot of stress but he should learn how to deal with this as an adult, if he loves you.  

Answer 3

Where is her father?  What is her relationship with him?  

Any chance your daughter could move in with her father or grandparents and you and your husband can work on your marriage?  When your daughter visits you, your husband can be at work or just away from the house!

Answer 4

i think you should listen to her theirs got to be a reason why she doesn't like him or he doesn't like her. something had to  have happened. if he won't take the initiative to change his behavior then maybe he doesn't love you as much as he says.

Answer 5

no offence but your husband sounds inmature by saying he hates your daughter.if your daughter is telling the truth i would confront him about his innnappropriate behavior. if your husband really loved you and wanted to fix this relationship with your daughter and you he would have started a lot earlier and not have waited six monthes

Answer 6

you and your daughter are a package at least til she is grown.  however, she is being kinda selfish and  not thinking of your feelings.  but if your husband truly loves you he will do whatever it takes.

Answer 7

Well in 4 years you can kick her out...can't he cope until then?  I have a step-daughter that at times I think was sent from the devil.  I "acquired" her at four...so I am willing to cope for 14 years and I realize the emotional problems I have because of her and I am willing to admit to them and deal with them for the sake of our family.  I suggest he join a step-parent support group so he can vent to people that understand.  I would never divorce someone because of a kid!  They need to learn their place...the father and mother come first and the kids come second.  You and your hubby have to have a good relationship if the kids are to have a balanced home.  If you leave because of her, you will be giving her power over YOUR life.  And I doubt your hubby looked down her shirt, she either said this to get you on her side or she was mistaken.  You would see other signs if this type of thing was an issue.  Good luck to you.

Answer 8

If your daughter's accusation is true, it's grounds for divorce.  If it's not true, your daughter needs more help than just counseling.  

Answer 9

You should move on. I have the same beliefs as you. But that last lil part you just added took the cake. Your daughter came before him it sounds therefore you can't put her thru that you have to protect her.

I have a family friend and long story short the step dad had to help her during and injury put some form of cream on and commented about her breast in his mouth. The mom left and went back home and now mommy is miserable too because he hasn't changed.

Your husband should be the head of your household and if he isn't willing to lead. Or lead by example then he isn't right, at this time. Don't subject your daughter to that. Your relationship with her will suffer in the long run.

Answer 10

I think you already know the answer to this, I think you just to find a way to bring your child, and I'm assuming he is her step father, into this relationship that should of never happened in the first place. He hates your daughter? Wow, how can he hate someone who is a part of you, You and your child are whole, he should have accepted and loved you both.

I too can understand that your daughter hates him. It's hard for children to adapt and accept "new" parents. They rebel and cause conflict because they will do anything, say anything to hold on to the one parent they have left. Be there for her, it's not her fault, she needs you. You and you daughter should see counseling together, find out what the issue at hand is and what you both need to do to make some accomplishments.

I'm sorry, but your husband is a grown man and he should be the "bigger person" and act as an adult in this matter. He should of happily have agreed to the counseling, because yes counseling will help him not hate your child. He should be more supportive and patient (again, I can imagine your kid being a pain in the butt, but she is yet still a child).

You only ahve 4 more years to go sweetie, you only have her for 4 more years then the rest of the world will have her, she will be an adult and you can say "I did my job". Look how fast 14 years came and went, 4 more won't kill you. You'll be a little lonely, missing a male companion, but that's what the Lord's there for. Much Blessings

Answer 11

You are NOTin the middle. You picked your daughter over your husband. I'm glad you're both in therapy. It would benefit you and your husband to go as a couple but if I were him I wouldn't give you another chance.

I suspect she made the accusation because you already gave her (a child) the power to banish your husband from your and her life.

I'm a mom and a stepmom. We listen carefully to how the kids feel and what they need, but none of us (6 adults total including various ex's) would  EVER  give any of these 5 girls the power to end our marriages. You did. She must be very satisfied with herself.

Answer 12

kids don't lie about that kind of stuff........what would make her think to say that if he didn't actually do it........always listen to your child what happens if you go back and he hurts her more......my step-father and I never get along he has a lot of issues it sounds like your husband has issues too why would and adult argue with a teenage if he doesn't get help and he knows he would lose you if he doesn't then he doesn't really love you as much as he says..........(oh and by the way most teens are disrespectful and mouthy its called hormones they just have to learn to control it and she is probably really angry I was angry at my step dad for not really loving me........your child is your flesh and blood she can't be replaced a man can be replaced.........if he doesn't love your baby girl how can he love you.......my mom never left my step dad she is miserable til this day and he still thinks he does nothing wrong it takes two people to fight and argue he doesn't have to argue back...........he is in denial he thinks he does nothing wrong......i'm sorry you are in the middle of all this i saw how much it hurt my mom and i'm sure it is hurting you.........i'm sorry my comment is so choppy this is a tough subject for me.......do what's best for you and your daughter.........take care!!

Answer 13

I'm guessing that this is not his daughter.  Kids at that age tend to be quite rebellious, that is all your daughter is doing and your husband of course hates her because of the way she is treating him.  He's right there is nothing a counselor could say to him that would make him not hate your daughter.

As far as the looking innappropriately down her shirt, i doubt it, this is probably just a way that she has figured out to keep you two apart.  Personally, i'd say let your daughter go live with her father and then move back in with your husband.

Answer 14

First of all, this dates way back to when & how your daughter was being raised. At 14 to have such disrespect for you, much less the man of the house. Who's the blame for her nastiness? Who raised her? Second, your husband is a grown man (I'm assuming) and can't control a juvenile delinquent and you can't either, there are other options for her behavior. Your husband does not concern me. Any man who HATES my child, and knows he's part of the problem, and knows I am trying but he won't help, is not the man I need to waste my time with.

I know you love him, but fix your daughter first. If you want, keep seeing him on the side, but not in the same home right now. The thing with him looking at her...Neither of them can be trusted at this point, to tell the truth. Tread lightly with that one. This is a really tough situation, most particularly when you state that he is as much the blame as she. I have difficulty swallowing that because he is an adult...what the heck is he so vehement about a child for? Did one demand more attention from you to take you away from the other? Jealousy? This is too mangled.  Good luck to you.