My daughter brought home a black man. How do I deal with my wife?

Question

My twenty-two year old daughter, who's never given us any trouble, recently came home from college with a surprise-- Jerome, a twenty-three year old black man, who from what I've seen so far is a very nice young man. But this poses a particular challenge for my family, as my wife (who is a very good woman and I wont have anyone disparage her) was raised in the south by, I'll admit it, racist parents. It was a different time back then and there were some very different attitudes, but unfortunately she's retained much of her parents' racism. I've worked to try to enlighten her, but its just too deeply ingrained. Racism is an ugly thing, but sadly not all of us can embrace change, so please don't judge her.

Two days ago when I first saw Jerome I was uneasy. I didn't know how to react considering I knew what my wife was thinking. I shook his hand and welcomed him, but my wife said some things I deeply regret and then stormed off, leaving me to explain what she meant by "monkey spear-chucker." It was a terrible thing to say and I only repeat it to let you know what I'm dealing with. She said it because she was shocked and extremely upset, taking the whole situation as though our daughter did this just to anger her. Jerome was a good sport about it, but I saw the worry in his face as he realized what he was up against. The last two days they've been off sight-seeing so there hasn't been the opportunity for more direct confrontations, thankfully, but my wife just cannot let this go. She's stewing around the house saying this and that, and all of it is just horrible. No, they're not all lazy. No, they don't all pollute our neighborhoods with litters of wild children that go right on welfare. No, they're not all thieves. I named five black people she knew who weren't any of those things and she finally had to concede they weren't ALL that way, but admittedly we don't live in the greatest neighborhood and it's hurting my arguments.

We have three days left with them before they go back and I really want to have it go as well as it possibly can, but frankly I'm scared about what my wife is going to say. This could really damage our relationship with my daughter. Logic and reason aren't working with my wife. I'm at a complete loss. The only thing I can think of is sending her away till they leave, but how do I explain that? How can I help her see that just because most blacks in our area are criminals (I don't mean this in a prejudiced way, its just how it is here) that that doesn't mean they're all that way? She just doesn't see how Jerome could be "one of the good ones" because she doesn't believe "good ones" exist. Someone, anyone, please please help me.

Answer 1

look pay for your daughter to stay at a hotel with her boyfriend and just go over there to visit her that way your wife doesn't feel like you chose your daughter over her, remember you married this person and knew how she was, just try it this way it might be easier for you to handle it this way. sorry don't know what to tell your wife sounds like her parents messed with her sense of reasoning towards black people.

Answer 2

Unfortunately the only thing that can change her mind is time to get to see the good in him.  What you can do is sit him and your daughter down and explain to them how she is and let him know not to take it personally and let him know regardless of what she says he is welcome in their home and their family and let him know it will take her some time to adjust and understand that there are good black people.  Later on when your wife sees how good he is, how good he treats her, and comes to realize things only then will it get better.  I think everyone just needs to have some patience.  Even if and when she does accept him, I don't doubt there will be times like if him and your daughter have an argument or he gets laid off, then the racism will come out every now and then.

Answer 3

John,  you ask some interesting questions.  I have one for you...how does your wife feel about your girlfriend?  Does your wife like it that your girlfriend can't cook ramen noodles and calls you stupid?  Oh, and stop stealing.



To those of you who think I'M crazy, look at his other questions.

Answer 4

Would it had made her happier if he would had been a Pink, Yellow, or Blue color?

"There's No Color In Love" we're all the same on the inside. Its called "Human Beings". I feel bad for what your going through. Hopefully things will get better for you and your daughter.

Answer 5

Theres probably very little you can do here except pray the time goes by quickly. Its just amazing how little our kids think. Theres probably many problems that could have been avoided here if she only told you before just showing up with Jerome. Family values that most of us were raised with are strongly imbedded and cannot and will never be changed so we just learn to live with them no matter how bad or embarassing they might be at times. The best thing you can do is pull Jerome to the side and apologize for your wife explaining she was raised in the deep south and leave it at that,mostly to avoid problems later with your daughter that will be coming up shortly. Unfortunately, racism is something that most of us older generation people have grown up with and never sought to learn otherwise, but Life does go on and each of us learns to adapt to new situations everyday. Just tell your daughter to please let you know before she springs another surprise on you to avoid another awkward moment for all

Answer 6

yoiu need to tell your wife to wake up, its the 21st century.

THERE IS NO ROOM FOR RACISM. period.

and your daughter, ? good for her, if your wife, her mother, doesnt come around and quick, i'd say "see ya later mom", call me when you lose your ignorant ways. Done.

Your daughter needs to tell her mother that if she expects her to still be a daughter to her?? that she'd better accept ANY MAN she chooses to date or marry, or simply put, she wont be a part of her life, and it will be your wifes loss.

you should not have to stress all out about this, i dont care how she was "raised" or by who. Its the today and now, that counts, not when she was being brought up and where. so you need to tell her straight out too, what the deal is, and be firm.

and the more accepting she sees you being, maybe it'll help open her mind .

Answer 7

I hate that you are in  this predicament.  You can't change your wife's mind on this matter but maybe you can lead by example.  I hate racism.  If this man loves your daughter and is good to her and treats her the way she deserves to be treated then what more could a parent ask for in a significant other for their child?  Color should not a an issue.  There are white people that are criminals, wife beaters and everything else.  Crime has not "color" if that makes any sense.  Try to explain to Jerome how your wife is and just continue to treat him with respect and like part of the family.  Maybe eventually your wife will come around.  I wish you the best.

Answer 8

From someone who lives in the South, times have changed here more than where you are, apparently, at least for your wife. She needs to recognize her destructive behavior and to realize that her ideas of how people who have a certain skin color behave are ridiculous. However, change is hard, and changing a belief is the hardest of all. She may have been taught this, but it is she who chose to accept it, and she is responsible for that. Changing something she chose to believe is going to be very hard for her. She may need the help of a therapist, and it will take a lot more time than 3 days. You should be upfront with her, it won't make her happy but she deserves to know how destructive her behavior is. Tell her that her actions and words are risking her relationship with her daughter, and that if she ever wants her daughter to come home to visit again, she needs to stop. Suggest that a therapist may be able to help her stop. If she refuses, and continues, you must be up front with her about how idiotic she sounds (I'm sorry) and how hurtful she is being to everyone. She may not want to hear it but her actions require some sort of intervention. If she refuses to stop her behavior and get help for the sake of her relationship with her daughter, then an all out intervention may be the way to go, where you and friends and neighbors sit her down and are totally honest with how her behavior hurts others, including you, and how she needs to stop and get help. It will take time for her to totally get over it, but she needs to start now.

Answer 9

I don't blame your wife.  black men are scary and violent

Answer 10

Sorry for your situation. The only things I can suggest is that you explain to your wife that she will damage her relationship with her daughter beyond repair if she does not keep her opinions to herself, or you can spend some time with Jerome while your wife and daughter have a talk. Maybe that way she can get it out of her system.

Admittedly neither is a perfect solution but that is all I've got.