My daughter doesn't want to know me!?

Question

I gave her up to adoption at birth, I did it for her I knew I would never make a mom. Now she's 22, and I've found her. Her family are cool, but she just not that interested. Most times she won't return my calls or nothing, she does meet me occasional, and she talk to me when I call, but she dont call me mom or nothing. I feel like I made a mistake now and i want to make up for lost time but she dont' aknowledge me as her mom. What the h**l do I do?

Answer 1

This is her choice, not yours.  Many adopted kids do not consider their bio parents part of the family.  Leave her around and just send cards on her birthday and Christmas.  Don't disrupt her life just to make yourself happy.

Answer 2

Why would you expect her to call you mom? That’s very selfish of you. It may hurt to hear this but you are not her mother, her adoptive mother is her mom. Giving birth to someone does not make you their mother. Where you there when she had an ear ach at 6months  and was up half the night, did you walk around to comfort her even if you were dead tired? Did you pick her up and kiss her when she feel and scrapped her knee? Did you read to her each night and tuck her into bed? Did you help her with a homework project and stay up late to finish it? Did you go with her to buy her first dress to a dance?  No you didn’t do any of that because you choose to put her up for adoption, you felt it was best for her, that you weren’t ready to be a mom. That’s fine however you cant decided 22 years later that you suddenly want to be her mom now. It doesn’t work like that you gave up being her mom when you placed her for adoption.

Sure you carried her in your womb for 9months but what is 9months compared to 18 + years. Why should she love you? You’re pretty much a stranger to her. No one should be expected to love any one they should love them if they want to.  No different when someone on here says adopted children should not be expected to love the family that adopted them.  The fact she typical does not return your calls says to me she could care less if you are in her life or not. The times she does talk to you or meet you she may just be being  polite. Maybe she feels she owes you something but she doesn’t owe you anything.

Clearly you had a delusional fantasy in your head of what a reunion with your birthchild would be like. Perhaps you felt she would run and embrace you with tears streaming down her eyes and chock out, “Mom I’m so glad were back together.” That you would instantly connect like old friends.  Well reality slapped you right in the face.  Reunions are not always h****y dory, warm in braces, instant connection, birthchild starts calling their birthparents Mom or Dad.   They develop a close relationship, as someone already said that may one day happen then again it may not happen. She may never call you mom and if she doesn’t thats fine.  

If you really care for her you will back off. Stop calling her, let her arrange to meet or call you if she wants to. If she doesn’t want to you need to respect that.

Answer 3

i dont want to sound mean, but you are not her 'mom', she has a mom. it sounds that you are confident at the time that you made the right choice. dont doubt yourself. sometimes the adoptee cant get past the feeling of abandonment. it is unfortunate, but a fact of life.

you may never have a close relationship. do not expect to be called mom. i have met my birthmother and i have a wonderful relationship with her, she is my best friend. i do not call her mom. she understands why, my mom nursed my fevers, went to parent teacher conferences, gave me away at my first wedding, gave me a life.

my birthmother gave me life. she nouished my body, protected me during pregnancy and ensured i would have my piece of the world, safe and secure.

i love and respect them both, but she is not mom.

im sorry you are hurt by her, but the emotions some adoptees feel are very real and deep seeded. they question many things in their lives that most just take for granted. keep in touch with her and let her know you care, but dont push. you will only drive her away more. and no one will benefit from that.

good luck, i truly hope she comes around

Answer 4

she's not going to love you she doesn't know you. no on ecan rush her into feeling what they want her to feel. she will need to come around in her own time. her whole life she has lived for other people. she needs to figure out who she is without the background noise. the more you push the more you will push her away. don't put alot of expectations on her. just let it grow. true emotions don't grow overnight and a lifetime of questions aren't going to get answered in one night. she is probably having alot of mixed feelings right now. just take deep breaths and be patient.

Answer 5

she is a big girl now,let her make her own decision,she has her adopted parents who i am sure she loves very much.your mistake was giving her up in he beginning.if you knew you were not going to make a good parent,you should not have got pregnant,where is her true father.contraception was about in those days so you really have no excuse.i feel more sorry for your daughter than i do you.leave her alone and both get on with your lives.

Answer 6

She doesn't know you.  You may be her biological mother, but in all truth you are a stranger to her.  Maybe she doesn't feel like she needs to have two mothers, and doesn't need to know anything about your family, and as bad as it may sound, you can't force her too, and it's her right not to have a relationship with you.  Give her some time, don't try and force any contact, because that may make her pull back even more then she has.

Answer 7

Well Congrates on finding your daughter.  Her family sounds like they are willing to have you be a part of her life.  She on the other hand sounds to be confused.  That is understandable.  She doesn't know who you are.

Don't push her into calling you Mom and don't call her your daughter.  Yes, you gave birth to her.  But you have not been a part of each others lives until recently.

You contacted her first.....,then she could be in shock and did not want to meet you right now in her life.  So it will take time.

Be friends with her first.  You're starting a relationship with a grown child, who doesn't know you.

Good Luck with Your Relationship with Your Child.

Answer 8

Ms. Lamb and Psyberfo are completely right.  You can't expect her to call you mom.  I would probably never call my birthmother mom.  I have never met her yet, and I don't know her.  Most adoptees consider the one that raised them their mother.  If you push her too much, she may end the relationship you do have.

Answer 9

it sounds like you are more conserned about your own need for a relationship with her rather than her for you, didnt you say you gave her up because you didnt think you would make a 'mom'. If she is happy in her life and holds no grudge against you surely that is a good thing and you should be happy that she is happy - isn't that what you wanted for her.

Answer 10

At this point, I'd just back off a little and let her call the shots.  It's hard, I know, but pushing too hard might push her away, and once the relationship is damaged, it's almost impossible to salvage.

Believe me, I know. (Been there, done that with my own mother).

People change, feelings change, and especially adoptees, our feelings about our adoptions and our n-mothers change throughout the course of our lives, so take it easy and let her lead the way.  If she is open now to meeting up sometimes, then that's great!  Just don't do too much, be happy with what you have.

It's easy to read into what you DON'T have; try not to do that and be happy with what you DO have.

Answer 11

I'm not trying to be mean, but how can you expect her to love someone she's only recently met, who she found out abandoned her when she was a baby? She's spent 22 years of her life without you. It'll take her a long time to warm up to you, but you need to understand that she might never see you as her mother, or call you mother. Someone else has looked after her and earned the right to be called that. I do believe that she'll get closer to you eventually, just don't expect her to forgive you for everything straight away.

Answer 12

You are not her mum... I'm really sorry if that sounds harsh but just because you gave birth to someone doesn't make you mum. Her mum is the lady that brought her up and raised her as her own.

You can't do anything.... you can't walk back into her life after 22 years and expect her to greet you with open arms. It may have nothing to do with her feeling 'abandoned' (I'm adopted and don't feel like that) she just may not feel connected to you.

Don't push it... she will look for a relationship with you when she's ready. You have to accept though that she may never be ready.

Answer 13

Your her mum. Not her mother.

And your only her mum because you gave birth to her. A mother is there for there child when they need them in a heart beat no matter the situation and you betrayed her.

Answer 14

Just let it be, and give it time. It may take a few years for her to warm up. Just don't give up but don't pressure it either.

Answer 15

I like my firstmother and I don't call her Mom.  You are expecting too much and pushing way to hard.

And just because her adoptive family likes you doesn't mean she has to.  She is a grown woman and has the right to make her own decisions.  

Maybe for now you should try to focus on what she wants instead of your own expectations.

Answer 16

ok well I'm adopted and i might only be 14 but know how she fees



not to be mean or anything but ur not her mom her mom  is the one how brought her up and if she does not wont to get to know u that's her choice and if u keep pushing her shes just going to pull farther a way

Answer 17

I have never been adopted so I wouldn't know how to feel. But if I  found myself pregnant and decided to give my child up for adoption for what ever reason i would never expect to have the child I gave away to call me mom I made the choice to not be her mother.

   This is what is misunderstood in adoption once you sign to give your child away it's not yours any more be happy she even talks to you. Mistakes well I bet you have a wonderful young lady. So I think things worked out right. Get on with your life just be there if she calls. Good luck to you

Answer 18

Please give it time.  She may be testing you, or she may just be slow to trust.  You might see if your library has Michelle McColm's Adoption Reunions and Bailey and Giddens' Adoption Reunion Survival Guide

Answer 19

Nyla,

I feel your pain right down to my bones. I worried every day whether I did the right thing, if my daughter got a good home, if she was being taken care of properly, and most of all if she was going to hate me for what i did. I was actually willing to stand in front of her and let her beat the c**p out of me if I ever got the chance to meet her. I figured I deserved it. I did get to meet her and Thank God she didn't hit me. We have had a great relationship for 8 years now. Your daughter got a good home, she got a cool family, she was taken care of properly. She got all the things you wished for her. Half of your nightmares are over. I must have gotten 7 or 8 phone calls that were people looking for a birth parent but they had the wrong number. It wasn't the call that I had been waiting for. When i did get my call, I wanted to talk to her every day. I wanted to know everything about her. I wanted to make up for so much that was lost but I couldn't, what's lost is lost. We started slow and awkward. I think PhilM is on the right track it's a rollercoaster ride, but you don't want that ride to end so you have to refrain from going to fast no matter how much your heart tells you to. We started with small things, like a name, her hands, body style, where it all came from. Who she resembles, who's attitude she has, (I swear I don't know where that came from. LOL ) Good thing she didn't want to hit me. The girl can pack some attitude. Just start small, exchange pictures if you can. Talk briefly on the phone instead of trying to cram all of it into one conversation or sitting, if your together. Do lunch. Walk through the mall and point out what each of you likes. Have ice cream. As far as her calling you mom. Don't let it bother you. I'm not mom, her mother is and I wouldn't have it any other way. The woman has earned that right. Decide what's more important, the title or the relationship with your daughter. Frankly, my daughter can call me schmickenspud if she wants to as long as she keeps calling. Your half way there, keep your chin up and remember her age does play a big part in this. She may be an adult legally but she's still a young one.

Bless you for being so brave as to care so much about another human being that you would put your own feelings aside and be willing to suffer the unknown for so many years just to see to it that they got something better than what you could have offered. How can you call that a mistake? It was a selfless act of caring, and it worked.

Answer 20

Oh, my heart goes out to you. And it goes out to her also.

Give it time. It has been 22 years during which you were only, perhaps, a fantasy to her. No matter how wonderful you are, this is a big change for her, and it will take awhile for her to figure out how she feels about you, and about having been adopted.

And it doesn't sound as if she "doesn't want to know you" at all, if she meets with you and talks to you on the phone. It could just be her age, frankly. Think back to yourself at 22. Would you have wanted to hang out with someone the age you are now? She is in the process of building her life -- and it sounds as if she is willing to include you in it. Maybe not as much as you want right now, but that may change as she matures.

I wouldn't push having her call you Mom. At 22 it is normal to distance yourself a bit from even parents that raised you, because you need to develop a different kind of relationship between adults. I don't think you should try to push the mom role either too much, because she may not be wanting even ONE mom right now, much less two. You should maybe perhaps try to act more as if you were an aunt, or a mentor. Of course you are her first mother and gave her life, and both of you know that, but the relationship will be something different from that of a mother and the daughter she raised.

I feel for your wanting to "make up for lost time," but that will take time and care. You cannot make up for 22 years in one year, and if you push too hard, you may push her away. It sounds as if she is willing to have a friendly relationship with you. Treasure and nurture that -- gently.

Maybe it would help to have some other outlet for the intense feelings you have, so that she does not feel responsible for them. Perhaps a counselor would help, especially if you feel you made a mistake. That could help you to put less pressure on the relationship with your daughter, and without pressure the relationship could blossom -- when she's ready.

Good luck with all of this. Take gentle care of yourself and reach out to your friends for support.

Answer 21

The thing is, your daughter has a mom. Maybe she feels pressured by you. My bdaughter calls me by my first name and that is fine with me. You can't make up for the last 22 years, so don't even try. You have to try to start from now but take your cues from her. Let her make the rules.

Answer 22

How is she supposed to love you?  

You ask, "What the h**l do I do?"...  I say... Butt the h**l out of her face.

Respect that she doesn't care to know you or get close to you.

She doesn't owe you anything.  She has every right to not want you around.  Close the chapter, don't force it or she will come to hate you.

You are NOT her "mom".  Her "MOM" was there when she was a baby.  When her first boyfriend broke her heart.  You can't "make up for lost time".  That's gone.  You'll never get it back.

Answer 23

well what the h**l do u expect? you abandoned her as a baby and now she is just doing the same to you. its karma baby! what goes around,comes around. its the truth i know it hurts but just deal with it and let it be. u cant force her to love u..she is an adult and has a life now so leave her alone. maybe in the near future she will come around but dont hold your breath.

Answer 24

Did you really think she would just fall all over you and welcome you into her life with open arms??  Don't expect anything from her and don't push it...she will give as much as she can and nothing else.

Answer 25

She is probably very hurt and angry that you abandoned her. It doesn't matter what your reasons were for the adoption, abandonment is abandonment.

Whether your daughter realizes it or not, she has suffered a huge trauma.

For some reason, many adoptees have a fierce loyalty to their adopters. Even if their adopters were less than ideal parents. Many adoptees have swallowed the c**p propagated by the adoption industry and society at large: be grateful, you could have been aborted, etc. Thusly many adoptees feel downright guilty for having relationships with their real families.

Your daughter is still quite young. When I was 22 I was a mess thanks to the horror of adoption.

Give her time. Give her space. Stay in contact, but don't make any demands. You owe her that. She has a right to take things at her own pace. She didn't sign up for the adoption, you and her adopters did.

Remember, it doesn't matter what she calls you. You are still her mother.

Answer 26

you mentioned you put her up for adoption because you knew you wouldn't be able to be a mom. keep that in mind now. she's been with her current family for 22 years. you can't really expect someone you've just recently met to call you mom. as far as she may be concerned, you're not her mom. don't push the issue. spend time with her when you can and get to know her as a person. hopefully, as you get to know each other better, you can become friends. it's awesome that she wants to spend  time with you and that her family is open to the idea as well. take it slowly and don't get discouraged. remember why you put her up for adoption in the first place.

Answer 27

Because her adoptive mother is her mom. You gave up that right the day you gave her up for adoption. You should let her come to you if she wants a relationship.

Answer 28

I've heard that this is kinda typical behavior.  It's almost like she's doing to you what you did to her.  It's not on purpose or anything, but the hurt of being adopted comes out like that.  She's kinda rejecting you, because you rejected her.

She's only 22, so she's pretty young still and probably hasn't really faced how she feels about being adopted.  She may need a lot more time to figure that out.  

My birth mom found me in my early twenties and I had much the same reaction.  I wanted to know her, but on MY terms, and when I wanted to...not when she did.  I think it must partly stem from the loss of control you have as a baby being given away to strangers.  I needed to get some of that control back!  

So my advice is, let her make all the decisions.  If she wants to see you, great, if not, accept it.  If all she wants to do is email or talk on the phone once in awhile, then that's going to have to be ok with you...otherwise you will chase her away and have nothing.  

Take what contact she's willing to give and see where it takes you, and don't be suprised if she is angry with you at some point and expresses that to you in some way.  It may hurt you to hear it, but it will help her to express it, and I know that what you want deep down is her best interest, her health and happiness, right?  

Oh, and she'll never call you mom...ever, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't still need you in her life, just not in that way.

Best to you and to her.

Answer 29

you know nyla... many people on here who are overly critical of your situation and are quick to remind you how much of a 'non-mom' you are, are also the very same breed who would have called you a 'strong, brave, selfless woman' when you decided to place your daughter.

the schizophrenic attitude towards b/n/fmoms is beyond sad.

---------------------

i am sorry that you had to make the choice to not parent your daughter.  i am too familiar with the stress, uncertainty and whirlwind of emotions that goes along with making an adoption plan.  so i totally feel you there.

furthermore, i do feel bad that your daughter doesn't wish to have contact with you.  this can be due to her own anger towards you relinquishing her, or simply a lack of desire to meet you.  either way, she really needs to take the lead.

"what the h**l do i do???" you give it time.  start with finding support from other bmoms in reunions, journaling your thoughts and coming to terms with your adoption loss.  you do admit that her adoptive family is "cool"; yet she (your birthdaughter) has decided not to have contact with you. so it's clear that the decision is probably not due to any manipulation from the aparents.  

i strongly encourage you to seek support.  many b-moms on her have great resources to on-line chats and message groups that can offer you the support you need.

i wish you well...

Answer 30

Maybe she's like me...and just happy!  It happens.  I'm sorry.  I'm sure you're hurting but you should also be happy that she is so well-grounded and doing well.

I'm an adoptee and a birth mom and as much as I'd love for my bson to look for me (he's 21 this month) I also know he might never do that - he may be happy with his life and not need me.

Answer 31

she is 22. she is an adult herself and maybe she really just needs time to accept you coming back into her life. its sad but this was something you had to consider when giving up your child. Youll have to let her make her own decision on what to do without question, just like she let you make that decision 22 years ago. I really also do not think that she should have to acknowledge you as her mom or call you mom. you werent that person in her life for that title.