My daughter is 18 and rebelling.

Question

My daughter turned 18 in March 08.

I have brought her up with respect and much love. Over a year ago I financed a car for her as she promised me she would make the payments. Well she made a couple in the beginning and the rest was all me. I have tried to sit her down for 7 months to let her know that I cannot afford to keep this up. I have 2 other children and am married to a caring man. I would let her know that we can't afford to go on this way and the car has to go. At the end I even offered to pay her insurance if she could do the rest. She met a boy 3 years her junior and started being very close with some girls in Grade 12 that were known as the "in" group. Drinking, partying, all fun and nothing else.

I would set curfews for her to be home. She was an honor student from grade 4 up to grade 11 then all downhill after that. She used to be in her room up until late doing and studying for exams and doing her homework. All that changed since she mingled with this group. Even school days she would come home late. He marks slipped down and she wanted to drop MAth 12 in which she lied to me and told me she did not need it. She was going into sciences. I know it was my fault because as a child I would give her too much. I found alchohol in her room twice and the first time I found it I told her I do not want it in her room. But she would get this from her friends parents and friends of her "inn" group. It has been hard not only for me but my family to see her to this. She has moved to a house that is a bad influence. Her friends brother was a drop out and took drugs. Her friend drinks as there is no tomorrow as do them all. Her friends Mother does not care as we had the police over here one day and he paid her a visit to that house after she left home and noticed that the Mom had problems as well. And the good news is she is 18 and I can't do anything about this.

WE parents have no laws here that can help us with these situations.

A girl from a loving and caring house rebelling to the point of no return.

I don't think I was wrong in asking her to be home once in a while so We could spend some time together as a family but she would argue with me and swear at me to leave her alone. She was out every night weekends were the best for her because she was out until 2am.

She stopped working for awhile and now taking weekend work only. As far as I know. It has been a week she is gone. She did give me a letter with her feelings in it and telling me she wanted to come home and I did write her one too to let her know how I felt. All I asked her was to stay home once in awhile and concentrate on her school.

Now she can do as she likes as she wont have me telling her to be home and be safe. I am going to seek professional help for this as I need to know how to deal with it. I can't seem to stop crying as I just cant understand how her friends were more important than her family.

I was 18 once too, but I had respect for my parents and never swore at them. Why can't us parents have some kind of law to help us with this when we know for sure they are in the wrong hands. The police tell me she is 18 and can do anything she wants. This is what is the hardest part. I gave her her independance and now she is gone.

Is there anyone out there that can suggest anything to me. As I am reading books and trying to get some answers and have not stopped praying for her to get on the right path again.

Thanks for listening to me.

Answer 1

Your question touched me, because my 16 year old has acted the same way.  I'm sure most of her rebellious behavior is due to the influence of the wrong kind of friends. She is now pregnant, and thinks she can do everything on her own. The only thing keeping her from leaving home is that she is under age.  Like you, I feel hurt.  Mostly, though, I grieve for her because she is surely going through some kind of pain that I can't help her with.  

We have to accept that we can't fix everything the way we did when they were little.  All they want is independence  (their idea of independence, not ours).  And that means getting away from the family. It means not letting parents tell them what to do.  It's not that they don't care about their parents; it's just that we don't have a high priority in their lives right now.  That's normal. Most kids go through this stage, but they come back into their parents lives a little later, maybe in a more equal kind of relationship, after they have been on their own a while.  

My solution has been to back off and let go, at least to a point. Your daughter is an adult, and mine has attempted to become an adult by having a child. As someone said when I asked a question about this a while back, our relationships with our daughters have to be redefined at this stage.  I stopped trying to get my daughter to do things the way I wanted her to.  I stopped lecturing her about the importance of education or how much babies cost or anything else that she wouldn't hear anyway.  I just tried to show her that I love her and to treat her as one mother would another. It seems to be helping.  She no longer seems so angry and hostile toward me.  

I think with maturity, even some of the worst behaving teens outgrow this stuff.  I can recall kids that I thought were total losers in high school (drinking, drugs, failing grades) who are now successful citizens in their community.  

This is very hard, but as others have suggested, just wait and pray. And don't give up on trying to communicate.  Keep telling her you love her.  

Answer 2

perosnally i agree with one of the other posters.  i know it is hard however she is an adult now, you need to let her make her own mistake and live with the consiquences.   you have to just let her be don't help her when she gets into messes and in trouble... she got herself into, now she should get herself out!!  i am only 21 and was rebellious since i was 15 however my mother continuely fought with me.... at the time it was the best thing for her to do i was to young however since i turned 18 and moved out she still tries to do the same thing and now it has gone to far...  she is my mother however i am a mother of my own now and the decision i make for myself and my son are mine and no one elses.  i do the best i can on my own and that is where i want to be... give her some space and some time.  as for the car i would let her know if she doesn't pay you back then you are taking the car and DO IT!!! also if she isn't respecting you and your house then seriously kick her out!!!! i mean REALLY DO IT!!! you have to be strong with what you do and stick to it, she will realize how much you do for her and how lucky she is, and if she wants to come back then things need to change.... good luck with this i know this has to be hard, i wish you the best!!!

Answer 3

Why don't you sit down and ask her why she is acting the way she does and acutally LISTEN to what she has to say.. I am 20 yrs old and I went down the same path around that age and but it started at about 17.... My parents taught me how to do the right things and how to be respactful but just teaching adolesents the basics doesn't stop them from having their own opinions* My parents never really sat down and just listened to what i had to say or took my opinions into consideration, which led to me rebelling and getting into trouble. I dropped out if college and started to live with my ex boyfriend and his family. (they weren't the best of people). I hit rock bottom-- i lost my job, got pregnant, and i ended up having to move back in with my parents (thank god they took me back) .. But i told them them that if they had just listened to what i had to say then it wouldnt have ended up the way it did*

Everyone is their own person and we all have our own opinions and yes you can suggest a change to someone, but you CAN'T force someone to change b/c that will just make them feel that they should just rebel and do the opposite.

Answer 4

If you want her back in your life I wouldn't take an agressive approach. Start off slow, maybe meeting for coffee. If you come at her agressivly odds are she'll never give you a chance. I'm 19 and I know if I was her I would want my parents to leave me alone. Give it a little bit of time and then try to talk to me. If all she's doing is drinking you're lucky. She'll eventually grow up, get over herself, and realize that the impact of her actions on her family are more important that her partying and having a good time.  

Answer 5

When I was younger I was the same way. I even started much earlier. The only thing you can do is tough love!! I know it is hard to hear it but it's true. Take that car away right now. Letting her keep the car is enabling her. She needs to earn it back in my opinoin. Next Do not let her move home in any circumstances. Trust me she is getting into trouble "fun" as they look at it and she does not care because in the back of her mind she knows she has you guys to always bail her out and she WILL take advantage of that!!! Basically you need to put down your foot. Do not be her crutch. She will come around eventually, trust me it will take a long time. I did not settle down until I was 25. I had 2 kids already and was still acting out, partying, not working, drinking and drugs. The whole nine yards. It took me a hard kick and fall to wake up. I have done a complete 180 and now my family and I get along great and it is the best thing in the world, however the more you try the more she fights, keep that in mind!! Also if she asks for money SAY NO!!!! If she is hanging out with people that are drinking and doing drugs, trust me they need money and will take it from anyone who will dish it out, and depending on what drugs they are using they will steal it so guard yourself. I know it's hard to hear but it is true. Oh they will come up with some stories trust me. I told my Dad once that my son was very, very sick and our medical didn't cover his prescription and that it was 150$, complete lie, I went and bought drugs with it. i am ashamed of it now, and have paid my Dad back. Good luck and feel free to email me if you would like to talk more!! I really want to help, I have been thee and seen what my family went through. I will keep you in my prayers!!

Answer 6

Personally, I would turn to God.  Give it all to him.  

my herat breaks for you and i hope this all turns out great in the end.  

Answer 7

You need to turn to God and trust in him.  You can't change your daughters actions, but God will help you get through it all.

Answer 8

Wow, this sounds like a real problem i understand the "rebellious" Part because everybody goes through that however the drinking part has to stop and so does the drugs!! Women, you are the MOM not her you have all the right to have control over her not her over you!  Take the car away if she doesn't care then why should you?  And absolutely believe that this is not her its the people who she is hanging around....nobody cares what happens to her but you.  Forget the fact that she is going to be upset but probably you will prevent her from and incident that later you'll regret if you never tried to stop the problem before it got bigger!!

Believe I'm 18 yrs old however i planned my life way ahead

I went trough exactly was she's going trough right now

However i was lucky to realize that my life was getting worse

and worse each day.  i thank the lord for that!    

Answer 9

She's 18 now dont just let her leave the nest throw her out!

fly or fall sweety! welcome to the real world! hopefully she'll figure it out quickly! sometimes we all just need a little incentive to fly

Answer 10

i think that the gang is out of line, drugs and boose is the kind of stuff that gets you into prison, and ruins youre life. and being away for a long time isn't that bad, just set at least 2 days a week to were you guys have to be together, or else you will cut of her cellphone. and school isn't that bad, just make shere that she doesn't drop out. have her finish high school.

Answer 11

This is a tough situation.  I really feel for you.  Your daughter is finding happiness with her peers, in alcohol and a freedom that perhaps she didn't have before.  A lot of teens go through this stage.  They are trying to figure out who they are and what is important to them.  Your daughter is not different.  She has to discover for herself that her actions are self destructive.  I know that sounds harsh but she needs to fall before she can pick herself up again and get back on track.  As a parent, it's hard to stand by and watch it happen but it is absolutely necessary.  If your daughter was younger you would be able to exert a little more control but since she is 18 and practically an adult, you can do very little.  Stand your ground regarding your house rules and the abuse (swearing etc). and remind her that she is welcome home when these behaviors stop.  Sell her car too.  Cry and pray for her but be calm, firm and remain supportive when you speak with her.  There is an expression that if you love someone let them go.  You have done nothing wrong.  Your daughter will return and she will figure out what is truly important.  Offer her a hand and no questions asked when she does.  Hang in there.

Answer 12

Hard as it is you have to accept that she is an adult and can mess up her life if she wants too.

You can do some things. Sell that car. Tell her she gets nothing from you except a meal if she is hungry. And mean it. Its called tough love and its the only way to go.

You can drive yourself mad worrying about her or you can put her in your Lord's hands and let him work it out. She will eventually grow up.

You can't make her do anything but you don't have to finance it or give it a ride!!!

Look a lot of kids go a little whacko when they first gain independence. Most settle down after a bit. Accept that which you cannot change -- you did your job. It's up to her now.

Answer 13

Let her know who pays for food, insurance, car, lodging, college and let your hairbrush do the talking!  

Answer 14

She's 18?

Since in March?

I'd say she owes you 5 months rent.