My daughter is adopted - a question for adoptees?

Question

I adopted my daugther when she was 6 months old from Kazakhstan. Her birth mother relinqhished custody of her one day after her birth, and she lived in a maternity hospital until I adopted her. Can anyone who was adopted as an infant give your experiences: do you feel "loss" of your birth parents even though you did not know them? I am the only mother she's ever known or will ever know. She is almost 3, and we are a very happy family. But I've read so much on this forum from adoptees who feel angry and hurt. I just would like to hear from different people about their experiences so that I can prepare myself for what to expect when she's older.

Answer 1

i felt very much like and outsider. not by anything my family did, i was just different than them. they are wonderful and quiet people. they never rocked the boat, stuck to all the rules and always did the right thing.

i was rebellous, loud and outspoken. they simply thought i was nuts!

i never thought i had issues with any of this but i recently found on here many adoptees have attachment issues. i think i have that. i love my family, friends and kids, but i find myself pushing them away. i build walls and go as far as to inadvertently sabatoge my relationships.

i am aware of what i am doing now, thanks to this group, and am working on that.

when i was a child i could always 'feel' something. sounds nuts i know, and i kind of passed it off as i was just weird. but as i got older i realized it was her (birthmother), she was with me and she needed me too.

i found her 8 years ago and she told me how she could always 'feel' me. crazy huh?

i am so proud of her for the decision she made for me. it took a lot of nerve. i appreciate all the opportunity she gave me. i had a better life for what she did. and she was able to grow up and become a fantastic person herself. that time of her life was not fit for a child.

it all worked out. i have known my whole life i was adopted, there was never a day we had 'the talk' and i think that is the best route. i did have a few issues coping when i turned 13 or 14. but that is such a crazy time for anyone. the adoption thing just added one more thing. then i realized i was being silly and got over it.

you wont be able to tell if she will harbor hostility toward birthparents or even you until she is older. some of us had good lives but still have resentment about being adopted. some have had terrible experiences.

no matter what information we give you, you will probably not be prepared fully. but honestly, what parent adoptive or birth ever is fully prepared?

be honest, be loving and when the time comes be supportive. there is nothing more you can do. the fact that you are asking shows you are an open and caring person. i think you will do just fine. dont let the ones with negative stories scare you, it doesnt have to be that way. they were given a bad deal. its a shame.

good luck, i bet you will continue to be a happy family for years to come.

Answer 2

A cousin of mine was adopted. They didn't tell her. Then one day when she was in her twenties some friend of the family let it slip to her. It completely tore their family apart. Whatever you do, be honest with her. Tell her where she came from and why she couldn't stay there.

My sisters were also adopted out. We've visited them a bunch of times. They love their adopted parents as parents, and it's sorta like we're the extended family. I don't think they ever resented my mom for giving them up, or their adopted parents for adopting them. Things work out the way they do for a reason. We don't always see what that reason is.

Answer 3

If you like reading the book Primal Wound: Understanding the adopted child is EXCELLENT  

Books by BJ Lifton or Joe Soll would also give you a good perspective.

If you'd rather listen https://www.theadoptionshow.com is a web based program with many shows archived that you can listen to to gain perspective.

Thank you for beginning to question the emotional journey she is and will continue to travel, empathetic ap's are a special bunch.

We of course feel the loss of our parents, because they are missing from our lives. We knew our mothers well - we grew inside and learned the sound of her voice, heartbeat, the way her body moved. If our parents were together, we knew the sound of our fathers voice too. There is also the sense of isolation a child feels when no one around shares his/her DNA. The child you are raising lost a whole culture, language, familiar foods...even more than domesticly adopted infants lose.

good luck on your parenting journey

Answer 4

Adoption: My Story

Twenty-eight years ago, I was born to a teenage girl. But, wait; do not feel sorry for me.  You see, imperfect beginnings do not have to have bad endings.  This girl, at such a young age made a very mature decision.  She decided to give both herself and me the chance to have a brighter future.  She gave me up for adoption through Catholic Charities.

            My parents are the people who raised me.  A rarity these days, not only were they high school sweethearts, they are still very happily married, after 33 years.  If you met them, you would tell me that I get my intelligence and logic from my father.  And that I look just like my mother and have her spirit.  People do not believe my mother when she tells them that I am adopted.  They tell her:  "But she looks just like you" or "She acts just like her dad."

            I have a younger brother, also adopted, who is the typical youngest child, laid-back, friendly, and loving.  He is also and all-star athlete.

            But my family does not end there.  I have a huge extended family of grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, who I am very close with.

            I do not have a memory of finding out that I was adopted.  I just always knew it, but was never made to fell different because of that.

            I mentioned that BC is the typical youngest child.  Well, I am the textbook oldest child.  I tell my mother, "You may not have brought me into this world, but you sure have pushed me into it!"  Not really, but my parents always taught me to challenge myself and work hard.

            I was very active in high school and went to college on an ACT scholarship.  I completed my bachelor's degree in three years while working two jobs.  And then went straight into graduate school, where I excelled.  I was named an MBA Star Student and served as MBA Association President.  I graduated a year later at 22.  Since then I have worked in sales and in public relations.  I also am a former model, held a national pageant title, and am involved in my community.  I have a very well-rounded and successful life.  

            I am who I am today because of my parents.  I am where I am today because of the work of Catholic Charities and the mature decision of a very young girl.

Answer 5

all adoptions are different just like how people are different. I would be open and honest with your daughter about her adoption. Have as much information about her birth mother as you can. So when the time comes where she asks questions about her adoption and her birth mother, you can provide her with information.

Please re-assure your daughter that you love her. Encourage her to reach for the stars! =) Have open communcation with her so she can come to you and talk about her adoption anytime she wants.

Don't tell her she came from the "wrong tummy" or say your mother loved you so much she gave you up(this sometimes confuses little kids. it almost equates love to rejection). Also don't tell her that her mother gave her as a gift. The gift thing is just not good because there is no such thing as people gifts. Oh, also do not downgrade her birth mother or say negative things.

Again tell her how privelged you are for knowing her. Tell her that yes that even though the circumstances surrounding her mother giving her up where hard, it was probably the hardest decsion her mother made. Read all you can about adoption and experinces of adoptees. This will also help.

I wish alot of blessing as you go on this road of life with your daughter. Thanks for asking and wanting to understand your daughter. I think that already shows how much you love her!

Answer 6

ok well i am not adopted but do know a girl that was... She found out when she was younger ...very young so she didnt get all to angry...Yes she was confused but i think almost everyone would be if you were told that "hey look i am not your real mother/father." I would say tell her dont wait till she is a teen. i have seen teens react terribly when they are told that kind of news. Thats kinda when they feel the lonlyness and betralle from you or there true parents. Say my mother told me i was really adopted. i would freak out and want to know who my real parents are and i personally think all kids who were adopted would want to know there biological parents. They want to know to what they're like,what foods they eat, did they have any more kids, are they still alive? , why did they give me up for adoption..Things rush through your head, like traffic during a big holiday. What i am saying is tell her while she is still young but will know what you are talking about. I would tell her if i were you in the next year or two.

Answer 7

Listen, I don't want to invalidate people's feelings on this forum.  They have their own feelings that stem from their own circumstances.  I was adopted when I was almost 2 and spent my infancy in an orphanage, not that I remember ANY of it.  My being adopted has never been nor will it ever be the largest part of my identity and those who choose to make it such are foolish in my opinion.  It's part of who I am but it's not all.  I've never once felt the sense of loss that others have but perhaps that's becuase I grew up in a very loving, wonderful home with 2 parents who are still married and 2 older brothers.  My brothers were biological to my parents but they never made a point to make me feel MORE special than them or any different from them either.  The 3 of us were their children period - no differences made ever.  I've never wanted to meet my biological parents because I feel my adoptive parents ARE my parents.  I've never felt any resentment toward my birth parents either.  I'm sure they did the best they could in making such a hard decision and I for one, feel I was probably much better off.  There ARE successful adoption stories - PLENTY in fact - but some people on here I guess had many negative exeperiences.

Answer 8

Adoptees have such a wide range of feelings on being adopted, there's really no one easy "answer" for how your daughter will react to her adoption or how you should prepare for it.  Just be sensitive to the fact that she did lose her first family and her heritage, and be willing to be open and honest with her if she wants to talk about it.  Take your cues from her and you will be fine.  The worst thing you can do is to make her feel like she can't discuss it with you.

I think a lot of adoptees keep quiet about their feelings because they are afraid of hurting their adoptive parents.  If you let her know early and often that you will not be hurt by her questions, then she will love you and appreciate you all the more for it.  The more support and understanding you can give her, it will only benefit your relationship with her.

If you can find out anything about her first family, keep it and give it to her when she's ready.  But again, let her take the lead, adoptees' feelings change over the course of their lives so she may not be interested now but who knows how she may feel when she's 10?  Or 15?  Or 25?  

Good luck to you and your daughter.

Answer 9

My mother signed my adoption papers one week after my birth.

My adoptive parents picked me up when I was 14 days old.

For me - I do feel a huge loss from my first family.

I look like them - I act like them - we have similar likes and dislikes.

I grew inside and bonded with my mother for 9 months.

Nothing will ever erase that.

And I only was allowed to know about how alike we are now - at 38 years of age.

Until now - there has been much confusion in my life.

I would suggest that you read adoptee blogs -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

And read books such as Primal Wound written by an adoptive parent - Nancy Verier.

Here are some more books you could read -

http://origins-usa.org/Default.aspx?page...

I commend you for being open to all. Keep it up.

An adoptees feelings about their adoption changes many many times throughout their lives.

Also - be aware that your adoptee will most likely tell you what you want to hear. She doesn't want to be rejected again.

Allow her to talk openly about her adoption - allow her to grieve the losses of family and culture that she will experience. Often adoptees can't ever even verbalize what it is they are missing - it's just a hole that is there.

Most importantly - nurture her nature - she's going to hold many traits from a family you probably know next to nothing about - run with it - just allow her to grow.

Also - try your hardest to find as much info about her first family - it's her story - it belongs to her.

Keeping such things from an adoptee only causes more pain in the long run.

She came from another family - that is her truth.

Let her know and love all of you.

It's part of who she is.

Answer 10

It was brave of you to ask this.  I'm going to answer honestly, but I don't mean to frighten you or be hurtful.  I do think adoptees now have a better chance to grow up well-adjusted than I had.

I grew up feeling just plain alone, bewildered, and different.  I didn't really experience it consciously as a loss.  I felt I was always performing, could never let my guard down unless alone, and would never be "good enough" as just plain me.  This happened in spite of all the parental love, attention and praise a kid could hope for.  So I felt that I had to protect my a'parents from these horrible ungrateful feelings of mine. Therefore we didn't discuss it, and I didn't get any help as a kid.

I still feel all those things at times.  Growing up and accomplishing things--and going to counselling--has helped with some issues, but not others, and none of them are "solved."  

I was adopted in 1965, when professionals were still arguing over whether or not adopted kids should be told they were adopted.  (I was, thank goodness.)  I'm very glad adoptive parents now have more resources available--books like The Primal Wound and Journey of the Adopted Self, counselors/therapists who specialize in adopted patients, and so forth.

Answer 11

I think you are brave for asking.  Your daughter will appreciate this when she is old enough to understand.  I recommend that you read The Primal Wound.  I didn't believe the thesis, and I read the book only because it was source material for so many other books.  As I read it, I kept thinking "Well, of course!" but I was thinking of my experience of mothering my own children.  It HURTS to read that book thinking of yourself as the child.  

I was relinquished at the moment of birth...b-parents didn't even know if I was a girl or a boy!  So, there was absolutley no after-birth bonding.  Amazingly, when I was a pre-teen I decided to change my name (just a silly phase many of my friends were going through too).  I decided on a rather strange, completely unfamiliar name...I never knew where I got the name from...until I found out, decades later, that it was my b-mother's name.  A coincidence?  Even I am not sure.

So many animals--even scorpions--instinctively know their mothers.  Why should we humans be any different?  But every person is going to respond to their particular situation differently.  I think you can best help your daughter by bringing up the topics that you presume she wants to talk about.  You are the parent, so I really think the job is yours.  Don't just wait for her to ask--or she might not know that you are comfortable talking about the topic.  Start talking to her now, so you have lots of time to "practice" and "test-run" what and how you want to say it.  Respond to HER, to HER fears/hopes/dreams/questions, help her formulate HER OWN questions, help her find HER OWN answers.  

As an adoptee, what really bugs (angers) me is when everyone else assumes they know and understand MY situation, MY life, and MY response to it.  They assume what is true for themselves must be what is true for me.  Not so, not so!

Answer 12

I am an adoptee.  I was adopted when I was an infant so I probably didn't bond very well with my birth mother.  I do not knor the circumstances of my birth parents so I cannot judge them for having given me up for adoption.  I was adopted into a loving family and I am very grateful for that.  The thought of growing up in an orphanage or in foster homes is not very appealing.  The important thing is that an adopted child understand he/she is loved unconditionally the same way you'd love your own biological child.

Answer 13

Every experience is sooo different among adoptees so it can be hard to prepare for the day when she may want to know about her bio-family.  I did not feel as though I had experienced a loss.  I was curious.  Just always wanted to know where I came from.  It wasn't that I didn't appriciate my adoptive family because I did and still do.  No reflection on them, I just felt this deep desire to know.  Every time I would see somebody who resembled me a little bit, I would wonder if I was related to them.  Sometime I would ask (until people started thinking that maybe I was crazy for even asking such a thing, LOL.)  I didn't experience any rage/ anger UNTIL I found out how I was brought into this world.  I am the product of rape and my birth father is still out there doing God knows what (I am trying do seek legal action on that behalf).  That's what makes me angry.  But my brother's experience was totally different and he is happy to know his "normal" family.  You just never know.  I also know alot of adoptees who feel like what you have described about this forum.  The best thing that you could do for your daughter is to always be honest with her (age appropriate of course), try to be understanding, if one day she seems to be acting out and angry for what she may learn about her bio-fam, then get her counseling, find her a support group, just be there for her no matter what like any mother would.  Thanks for asking and I hope this helps.  I think that you are a wonderful mother for being concerned with these things already.  Shows that your heart is in the right place.  You remind me alot of my adoptive (REAL) mother  :-)