My daughter is out of control!

Question

A month ago, I wrote about how I didn't know exactly how to discipline my 16 year old daughter. Whenever I ground her, she says she doesn't care. I've taken her phone, TV, even her mp3 player away from her, but she says she doesn't care and puts on the most convincing act that she really, truly does not care.

Then, someone on Y! A suggested making her write an essay about her behavior so I made her do that, and she gave me an essay about how much she didn't care about this essay. So I told her to do it over again and she didn't, just absolutely refused to. Then I grounded her and once again, she said, I don't care.

I know that it must hurt her when I take things away or ground her but she has such a lack of affect, and her behavior never changes, I don't know what else to do!! I am so frustrated- any advice??

Answer 1

yeah i'm 14 and i say that ALL the time to my parents

i actually DO care

but i don't want to show weakness, and i want them to think that taking away things doesn't have an affect on me, so they might as well not even try it since it doesn't do anything

Yeah when i get mad at my parents i basically say i dont care to everything

but then when something comes up, and i want to go somewhere (a dance, to the mall, ect.) they just say no

and i usually start acting good.

theres really nothing you can do

shes going to say she doesn't care for everything

so you are just going to have to wait(still hold her stuff) until she wants something from you

Answer 2

I'm 15 years old and if my mom treating me this way I'd act just like her. Why don't you try talking to her instead of punishing her all the time!

Answer 3

Have you tried blistering her bare little f***y with a hairbrush? Sounds barbaric, but its not and its very effective.

Answer 4

I know this may sound stupid but, have you tried talking to her about why she acts as she does? I'm sure you probably have but is there some underlying cause that you may have missed? A recent divorce? Fights with friends? Boyfriend issues? etc. etc.

I have a 15 year old daughter and have the same problem with taking things away as punishment, it just does not seem to work. What I have found more effective is assinging chores, sometimes LOTS of chores. I have even created mundane things like go pick up  sticks in the yard....LOL...after the chores are complete, and this might take 2 or 3 days of chores all day. I usually sit her down and ask why she did what she did. She knows at this point that she mut come clean about whatever was done and that if I feel I am being lied to or bu**shitted with her answer she is in for days of the same chores.

There always seems to be some underlying problem that really is no big deal except in a teenage girl's life. I have also asked the age old question "What do you think your punishment should be?" This seems to work well too.

The best advice I have for you is really just to talk to her. Try to remeber what it was like to be 16, realize that it is 100 times harder today than we were that age and just try to help her cope.

Good Luck, hope you find something that works.

Answer 5

You must be consistent for 2 weeks. Don't give up so quickly. At first, they will put on the act they don't care .... they actually want to see how serious you are and how consistent you are. Teenagers need to believe in you - in many ways and will always try you. Think about what is positive and you have to provide a lot of "positive reinforcement." I remember being 16 (I am 34 now) and how difficult and confusing it was. Are you giving her enough of your attention? What is she doing wrong? Does she know what you expect of her? Does she know her consequences and privledges? Are you talking about chores or attitude. Attitude is very tough as this age and they expect everything handed to them. Money is a strong "positive" reinforcer at this age. I would name a few things you would like to see change- write them down - at the end of week - give her grade A,B,C and then reward with things you know she values. I would give grade A for "awesome behavior", B for could be "better" in certain areas and C for "need a lot of improvement." I would NOT argue about things and don't be vague. If you don't like her attitude, be specific and examples that would make it better. I would give a lot of "positive" praise when she is doing well. Girls at this age need to know their parents are their NUMBER One fan! Make her feel loved and a chance to make up for mistakes. Keep in mind you are preparing her for the world and a future employmemt. I would treat this age like she is an employee and give performmance appraisals at certain intervals. When you take away things, of course, she is going to act like no big deal. You have to explain how to get them back and really be serious. Spend time with your daughter and develop a friendship of mutual respect and trust.

Answer 6

They say i don't care hoping you will just give up so just keep it up, stay consistant so she knows you are serious.

Answer 7

start acting like you don't care. still discipline her, but when you do it, act like it isn't a big deal, and don't make too much of a fuss about it.

if acting like you dont care doesnt work, then take away her privacy. give her a 30 minute limit in the bathroom each morning before school, and take away the door to her bedroom if she wont respect you.  

or, dont stop with taking away her electronics. take away her cell phone, ipod, TV, radio, drivers liscence, computer privilages.

her saying "i dont care" might be a way to hide what she is really feeling so she can get out of things easier, so eery time she says i dont care, or reacts like that, then take another thing away. you can go as far as taking away her bedroom furniture or her accessories she loves to wear. every teenager girl wants their privacy and their accessories. when you take these away, then you will finally be giving her a real punishment.

good luck with your daughter

she will eventually get over this phase

dont give up on her

Answer 8

Take her to a counselor and see where this I don't give a c**p attitude is coming from.  There's got to be something behind it, most teenagers throw a hissy fit when they get their prized possessions taken away or privileges.  

This doesn't sound like normal behavior to me.  I would seek some form of help because it sounds like not only is she driving you nuts, but she's playing games with you as well.  That needs to be nipped before it gets even further out of control.

Answer 9

That makes some kids rebel even more. Be careful. Grounding and removing privleges doesn't work with all children. It didn't work with me or my siblings. It made us listen less and do what we wanted more. You have to think, she's 16 maybe she's old enough to make her own decisions without being punished for them. She's close enough to adulthood to know the consequences. If she doesn't care then she doesn't care and there's no way that you can change that. I don't know what she's done wrong but perhaps you should look at how serious the offense actually was and how much you ground her. Some parents are just discipline happy.

--Edit--

Taking away her privacy will NEVER work. It will make her hate you as she grows older. I haven't talked to my mother in almost a year. Been there, done that. You need to think about the messages you're sending her. Because taking away her possessions isn't the message you should be sending. She's sixteen, punish her as such. Bottom line, if you want her to respect you, respect her and her things. "Respect is earned, not given." But she didn't choose to be born so you need to respect her regardless.

Answer 10

wow what a brat.  If I said "I don't care" to my father, he'd probably remove my bedroom door, not let me see my boyfriend, take away ipod, video games, phone, computer, tv, and books

another "I don't care" after that and I'd probably get smacked.

She doesn't respect you, and thats a fault of your own due to how you raise her.  show her respect, ask for her opinion, but keep on being the parent--thats your job

Answer 11

on this episode of the cosby show one of the kids was like that and they turned the whole house into an apartment like just for the family anyway take everything away from her and everything out of her room besides the bed and even take down the down DO NOT GIVE HER ANY PRIVINCY not even while she is taking the shower tell her to leave the bathroom door open or just go back to the old fashin way pull her pants down and wimp her with a belt

Answer 12

She probably really wants you to think that she doesn't care so that you will give up disciplining her and does not want to show signs of weakness. Communication is the key but your daughter is more likely to push you away than accept your offer to talk. She is at the rebellious stage of growing up, isn't she? "I don't care" is just a surface, a facade, just three words. The next time you scold her, add in "I'm doing this because I love you" Maybe she does not understand why you're doing this. Tell her why you're trying to discipline her and maybe she'll understand

Answer 13

She sounds like a normal 16 year old. She is nearly an adult and is becoming more independent. Is she doing really terrible things that need to be punished? At 16 my parents wouldn't have dreamed of grounding me, I would have left home. Perhaps it's time to start treating her as an adult.

Answer 14

sounds like she shouldnt even own a tv or mp3 player..so sell them. make her earn things. dont buy her anymore clothes or anything...unless she ears them by being respectful. idk send her to a therapist

Answer 15

have you tried taking away her cloths a friend of mine did this and it worked phenomenally you only give them two sets of cloths preferably the ugliest ones and they have to behave in order to earn them back trust me at this age wearing the same outfit over and over again is totally not cool plus you should make her go to as many public places with you in those cloths just so she can really not care try it  

Answer 16

Sounds like you are - it also sounds like SHE knows you are.  What I'm getting from this is it's her way of staying in control by indifference.  In her mind she's pushing your buttons, which means she's "winning" even though she's losing privileges by doing it.

So, handle it by not losing your cool or showing your stress level.  Make sure she has no entertainment in her room (I always let my kids keep their books, nothing else), tell her she can rejoin the world when she's written what you requested, a report on her behavior.  School and meals, no extra curricular activities or TV time or calls from friends... but hold on to your calm, don't debate it with her or get sucked in to throwing "you" messages.  Be cool and decisive.  

My kids always knew about "natural consequences" to their actions and attitudes.      

Answer 17

I have to ask; What is it she is doing that is misbehaving?

Sometimes a 16 year old needs a long, long leash. It would be a good idea to let her do what she would like with some boundaries... let her go to friends houses ; just ask her to leave a number in case of emergencies.

If she wants to drink dont condone it, but allow it and again, ask for addresses and numbers and who is going to be there. educate her on taking care of herself and not being manipulated by guys, or other people.

Forcing a 16 year old to write an essay for you is really only asking for attitude and trouble...

Stop buying her things, if she wants a tv, is she wants a phone, or anything, she needs to get a job and start getting these things for herself; otherwise, why should she care if you take them away?

Answer 18

ever considered family counseling. maybe a professional can get to the root of her lack of caring.  

Answer 19

That is the game- to say you don't care so the parents give in.. I played that really good when I was an unruly teen.

Taking the car was kind of the thing that worked best but then I would run out with my friends who had cars.

As far as an essay, I don't think that does much good. Because the teen is thinking how stupid it is the whole time.

I am sure she cares, you just have to find the right thing. Take her cool clothes away and make her wear embarrassing dorky stuff! Maybe that will get to her... Go to the goodwill and get old out of style stuff and make her wear that and hide he clothes she likes until she straightens up... Maybe that would get to her if she cares about her image.

Answer 20

You should sit her down look her in the eyes and tell her that you care.

Tell her why you didn't like what she did. And what you want her to do and give good reasons.

What ever you do never show anger and never let her know she has made you mad, because she will keep doing it over and over again.

Like now***

Stand strong, stick to your words, and no matter what at the end of the day let her know you love her.

Your method is not working now...as you know, you just have to keep trying to find a discipline that works on her.

Wow, I dred the teenage years. I have a one yr old daughter.

Answer 21

I must agree with a lot of these answers!

All teens try this very few of them get away with it, mine don't. As far as the young girl that said she would just run away...yep my oldest tried that too. Wasn't very happy when the police picked him up and brought him right back home.

You are the parent start taking things away until she does care, then make her earn them back.

Best of luck and remember the teen years don't last forever.

Answer 22

Just be consistent with her, that's the best you can do.