My daughter realised shes adopted.. i hadnt told her... shes angry.. help..!!!?

Question

my daughter just realised that shes adopted. i dont know how she knows about it. shes angry i hadnt told her. ihad actually decided to tell her when shes 12 years.. shes still 9 years... so i hadnt told her.. now she doesnt talk to us properly, tries to ignore us if we try to talk to her.. i want to talk to her... but she doesnt listen to me... i also have the fear that she may attempt a suicide that shes not living with her own parents... plzplz help........

im really tensed and worried about all this..................

Answer 1

First off, apologize every time you see her.  Tell her that you will support her and try to explain why you felt that 12 would be a good age.  (I think 12 is way too old, and they already have all of the other pressures of that age to add to it).  She has every right to be angry with you.  Ask her what you can do to help her now that she has this information and put aside your own insecurities and rebuild her trust.  If it's counseling, then do it.  Ask her if she would like to talk to other adoptees.  There are groups and web sites for people who find out on there own.  There are many many resources but find people who can relate to her and not tell her that she should just appreciate the family that chose her.  This she already does, she is just angry right now.  Please feel free to e-mail me through answers and I can pass on lots of state specific information and web sites to visit and offer more advice if you want it.

Answer 2

talk about a topic which ur daughter would like... then shell be listening to you... u can tell her why u adopted her, what would have happened if she wasnt adopted by any1.. comford.. have a few private moments... im so sorry to her about this...

Answer 3

I think this situation will come to normal within few days. You just have be isolated for a while, because if you show some kindness she will get to the peak because she is already angry with you.. But behave in a way that you are there to take care of her for the whole life.. then she will come to normal..

Answer 4

but she IS living with her own parents.  you might not be her birthparents, but you have fed, clothed, nursed, and loved her from the day you brought her home.  you really need to sit down with her and talk to her frankly about why she's adopted and why she was put up for adoption.  maybe the school counselor can help even if it's just to find someone else who can help.  honesty is the best policy.

Answer 5

Shame on you. You should never lie to a child about their very existence.

Answer 6

This has got to be really rough on all of you. You ARE her parents, though. You have raised her and loved her and provided for her when her birth parents couldn't (or wouldn't). I hope she can realize that out of all the children you could have adopted, you chose her to be your daughter and that is very special. I also hope she realizes that you love her just as much as you would have if she had been born to you. Since she won't let you talk to her about it, maybe you could just write her a letter and put it on her pillow to find when she gets home from school. Let her know just how much you love her, how you felt when you saw her the first time, and when you brought her home. Tell her the story of her adoption, but don't tell her that her birth parents didn't want her. That could hurt her even more deeply. If all else fails, you may need to consider family counseling. I wish all the best for you. Good luck and God bless :o)

Answer 7

She's going through the stages of life's top stresses.  She needs to realize that anger is only a emotion that she "has" to go through....it's one of 5 stages.  Sorry, my mind is blank on the others stages.  Talk to her with truth, you may need to regain her trust and the fact that you had plan to tell her at 12 when she would be more mature...doesn't mean that you had no intentions of never telling her but you where waiting for her mind to mature.  Until she was 12 you felt that not knowing was  the best way of her having a normal childhood.  What you did was what you felt was best for her.

  The stress may cause a mild illness of the kidneys or adrenal glands.  Serve more salads and rice to prevent this.  Cut back on sugar, oils and fats because these foods will make her anger worse.  Drink more water.  

Know when it's time to see a psychologist ...pick one out and be prepared.  

She may react well with a talking stick or something similar....when the person that is holding the talking stick, no one else can talk, only the person that holds the stick and they can hold it as long as they are talking.  Call the family to a meeting, explain the talking stick rules and why this meeting is being held, make a statement...pass the stick...good luck and you know that this is going to work out fine.

Answer 8

I am now 51 years old, I too am an adopted female.  My adoptive parents started telling me as soon as I was old enough to start understanding things.  I always felt like I was "special" because they had wanted me so bad that all their dreams came true when they received the phone call, that they now had a daughter.  My parents had already adopted my brother and now their family was complete.  They put a birth announcement in the paper and everything.  I do remember thinking that my friends weren';t as special as I was, because their parents just had them, I was a dream come true.  And as the years went by, I noticed that I looked just like my adopted dad, and you know, I couldn't have ever looked like my biological dad in the same way, we had so much charachteristics it was scary.  My adopted brother and my mother were the same way.  You know I believe that even though I now know I am adopted, the only way I would ever want to meet my biological parents would be to THANK THEM!!!  MY Cousin, who was also my age, bursted it out in class in 7th grade one day that I was adopted.  I was, so hurt and felt all of a sudden like a downcast.  You know that age is awful anyways, and was very upset with my cousin for just bursting out with it.  It was, I felt up to me and the way she said it was hurtful and made me feel degraded for being different.  I think your daughter is feeling that way now.  It must have been traumatic to her to find out from whatever source it was , that she was adopted.  You really should have been the one to explain things.  Now, that you can't undo the past, it is up to you to reassure her that it is the most important thing you could have ever been given, when you were given her.  Perhaps, you could find a slightly older girl , either that lives in your area or as a pen pal that also is adopted and can mentor her through this.  If there is anyway I could be of help, please contact me.  Be patient, Be there, and continue to love, that's all any parent can be whether biological or otherwise!  My best to the two of you!

Answer 9

Katie, you really needed to be honest from the beginning. There is no stigma with adoption; it isn't dirty or second best. She has a right to feel confused and hurt that you hid the truth from her. That said, have you set up a family therapy session with a psychologist with an emphasis on adoptive family counseling? If no, do so now.

Answer 10

1. Apologize. Over and over and over. Acknowledge to her that it was wrong to keep this information from her.

2. Get into counseling... all of you.

3. DO NOT attempt to explain or justify your actions. It will come off as an excuse. Just apologize. In time, when she's a little calmer and able to talk about it all, you can offer the explanation WHILE acknowledging that it was not a good idea. But not right now. Right now, just apologize.

Answer 11

tell her,how worried you are. how special she is. put it in a note & send it to school or some place she`ll find it.let her know that you chose her & that you love her that she will always be your child. she`s insecure & growing up at this stage.admit that you made a mistake, not telling her, but you were the one afraid.i have a friend who went thru this.her daughter had sensed this for a while, it was a really hard time for them. but they did get thru it.you will too you need to apologize-sorry GOOD LUCK-you`ll get thru this-honest, my daughters 9 too, she`s growing up so fast.

Answer 12

Just tell her that She is a special child that's why GOD has sent her to u. Because Special things should be taken with care and LOVE and only Smart people can do that.

Answer 13

Wow. I cannot imagine the pain and confusion that your daughter is going through. How horrible to realize the people you thought you could trust most in this world have lied to you about your very existence, and that you have other parents out there who abandoned you. One set leaves you, the other lie to you, who do you trust?

If your husband came home and told you that he was living a double life, and the entire time you've been together he also had another wife and 3 kids he goes to see and whom he loves very much, how long would it take to trust him again? How many times could he tell you he was sorry and he was trying to do what was best for you by not telling you? What could he say to make you go, oh, okay, it was just the biggest betrayal of my life and I feel completely shattered, but since you put it that way, we're totally cool now? Would you be suicidal? Would you trust him on other issues?

My only advice is for ALL of you to get counseling for your issues (why only make her go like she's the one who did something wrong?), be absolutely truthful with her about everything else, realize she's not going to trust you again for along time if ever, and when she's older you can give her the address to www.adultadoptees.org so she can join the rest of us miserable people (tongue in cheek).

Answer 14

I realize you probably had good intentions for not telling her right away..but really, what were you thinking?  I can't imagine adopting a child and not telling them from the BEGINNING that they were adopted and have an open relationship with the biological parents.  

I can only imagine that she's feeling very alone and betrayed right now.  You need to get some counseling for your whole family.  Be prepared to answer some difficult questions that she may have, and answer them honestly!!  No more secrets.

Answer 15

In looking at your profile, it's easy to see that you like to play games and probably view this as being funny.  You must be one bored person with very little in your life to keep you occupied.  Whatever your real age is or however sad your real story is, please find another outlet, one that doesn't involve exploiting other people's pain.

But, the good thing is that it opened up a lot of dialogue here about this topic and hopefully someone who REALLY needs help might read it.

Answer 16

Thats one of the steps in creating a serial killer.

Now shes pissed off, not only are you not her parents, God and Santa and the toothfairy arent real.

On the suicide deal, you need to figure out what shes thinking.

How she feels.

What she wants from the world, life and why she think she cannot solve that puzzle.

If she can not trust her "parents" then shes probably not going to trust anyone, and this can make for antisocial personality dissorder. I.E. fire starting, self mutilation, harming animals and other children.

You can help her find her birth mother.

But, like I said before she will probably never trust you again.

Imagine yourself in her shoes.

Shes probably thinking,

Why did my original parents leave? Are they dead? Did they reject me?

Why am I here? Why are 'these people' lying to me? I am all alone. If their liars I dont know anything about these people that adopted me. I need to watch out for myself I cant trust them, I can't trust anyone.

I hate my life. I dont feel secure, I dont feel safe.

If she cannot resolve this by herself, and you cannot help her without establishing trust, then she may attempt suicide.

Answer 17

take it easy my dear friend... i'm good to hear you have adopted as it was also my plan to do the same and help a child to a warm comfortable home to come home to.

go with your husband/wife and sit with her while shes in her room or on the couch and alone. start by telling the truth to her ie. the reasons for her adoption. dont try to break into false tears as this is just a way of bribing. if you cannot help it, go ahead, its ok.

i wonder where she knew it from! be polite to her and show her that you both love her very much. tell her that its not something to be ashamed of or to regret. but something to be grateful about and contempt with.

if it werent for you two, she might have not had this much happiness with you 2.

make her realise of the good times all of you have spent. but dont say so much as to boast about yourself in comparison to others. do the right thing and let her know what your heart desires of her to achieve in future through both of your support.

good luck and may GOD BLESS YOUR WONDERFUL FAMILY.

Answer 18

Don't tell her that you love her. Love is now equated with lies and mistrust. I love you  - that's why I lied to your about your very existence. You lied to protect you, not her - kids aren't stupid.

Find her parents and let her meet them. Knowing you are adopted from a young age and can't know your own mother and father is hard enough, finding out at 9 yrs old is horrific.

Answer 19

Got to family counseling immediately... You need help in dealing with this very delicate subject. Consult a specialist first for help for yourself, then you'll get a better idea of how to deal with this.

Answer 20

You ARE her parents, just not the biological ones.

Write her a letter that she can read in private.  Explain everything to her, and let her know how much you love and wanted her, and still do.  

She'll get over it, she just needs time to grieve and vent.  Allow her that time.

I'm 57 and just found out in April that I was adopted, though my Mama denied it since I was 12.  I think it's something we sometimes just know!

.

Answer 21

Okay - first of all I'm wondering why on another answer you say you are 13 yet here you are posing as an adult. In case this is an honest question, here's my answer:

I feel for you daughter. I was also 9 when my parents told me. I sat there in shock, I was confused, hurt, scared, mad. I felt like my life was a lie and I immediately felt a bit of disconnect from those around me. I wanted to know who my  real parents were and why they gave me up and I wanted to meet them and have my mom hug me.

I would suggest letting her say whatever it is she wants to say without "correcting" her and telling her how she should feel.

Think about how a 9 year olds brain processes information like this. If she asks "where are my real parents" don't give her the standard adoption-speak lecture of "we're your real parents" - that's not what she needs to hear - she needs her innocently worded question answered without being shut down. She needs her grief and pain validated. She needs emotional comfort, not some candy coated story about being chosen.

She needs you to put aside your fear of losing her and your fear of competing with another mother and listen to her feelings and say "I am sorry that you are hurting and I wish there was something I can do but please know I will always listen."

She needs you to answer any and all questions about her natural parents without you feeling threatened and, when the time comes, she needs you to be supportive if and when she wants to find them.

Why would you think 12 is the magic number? That would have been even worse. In this day and age there is so much information available about adoption I would suggest you educate yourself about what she could possibly be feeling now and in years to come. I highly recommend any book by Betty Jean Lifton.

And, like others have suggested, get counseling. But don't just go to any family counselor - try to find one who specializes in adoption issues. If you can find a therapist who is also an adoptee that would be even better. I'd suggest both family and individual because she is going to need time to talk to a counselor in private as she might not feel comfortable speaking her true feelings in front of you. But explain that to her so that she doesn't feel like she's the one with the problem and is being "bad" and therefore sent to therapy.

Please know, that a lot of adults made a decision about her life that will affect her for the rest of her life. She is feeling a complete lack of control right now and you will have power struggles as she tries to gain some control back - this is natural.

Good luck - I really feel for her - I wish I could be there to talk with her. Feel free to email me if you wish to discuss further.

Answer 22

UMMM U MIGHT WANT TO FORCE HER TO SIT DOWN WITH YOU SO U CAN EXPLAIN TO HER UR STORY AND LET HER GET HER FEELINGS UT MAYBE TALK TO HER AND HER SCHOOL COUNSELER OR SOMETHING. LET HER KNOW THAT YOU MADE A MISTAKE BY TRYING TO PROTECT HER AND NOT TELLING HER FROM THE BEGINNING BUT THAT SHE SHOULD UNDERSTAND YOU BECAUSE SHE IS YOUNG AND MIGHT NOT UNDERSTAND... GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!

Answer 23

Get her into counseling if you think she's suicidal. If you think there's an immediate danger, take her to the ER.

You can't undo what's been done, so at this point I guess I would try to apologize to her--profusely. (Not because she's adopted, but because you never told her.) I would see if there's any kind of specialist that deals with things of this nature. Maybe through an adoption agency. Start there and if not, then a child psychologist. You really need to handle this properly, and I'm sure there's a right/proven way to go about it. I don't know what that is, but I hope you are able to find out.

Answer 24

She's Only 9 Becarfule With Her..

I Think  The First Thing You Need 2 Do Is You Should Let Some One Else Talk To Her Some 1 That She Love And Trust Maybe One Of Ur Family,Then You Try Maybe She Will Change Her Mind Of Course Becuz She Just A Litter Girl Now U Know Wat im Saying!!

Good Luck Hun!!!

Answer 25

Maybe wait a while for her to calm down and think about it. Affirm how much you love her and how much she is a part of your family. Don't treat her any differently as before--things have changed now and could get difficult, but stick in there, and I'm sure she'll see how much she is loved and accepted. Answer any of her questions honestly, but caringly and lovingly, as I'm sure you will. She will be hurt and confused, probably wondering why her birth parents abandonded her or whatever, so being tactful, yet honest is the way to go. She needed to find out eventually, it's just unfortunate that she found out earlier than you intended--maybe try to discover how she found out or who told her. Stressing and worrying is natural, but it will not help anything. She needs to have someone secure to look up to and love her at a time like this. As long as she realizes she's surrounded by family who love her, she should come to terms with her adoption eventually. Maybe ask her exactly why she's angry. Also, perhaps if you let her know how much it hurts you when she doesn't want to talk to you--that will show how much you care and are there for her. She needs reassurance--it's quite a major discovery to find the people who you thought were your family are not your biological family.

Answer 26

If she's locking herself in the room talk anyways!  She can hear can't she!  Explain why you hadn't told her!  But think long and hard about what you're going to say before you say it!

I'm sure she won't try to kill herself!  At 9, I'd hope she'd never dream of such things!

Best of luck!

Answer 27

she's only 9 years old, just look after her carefully and talk with her even if she doesn't answer. don't leave her alone. the whole day you can say that u love her, u need her even if she doesn't say anything, say that u will die without her.

she will soon forget all that!

Answer 28

Rach:  It is important for you to convey to her that you really love her as she is special and "dear" to you.  Tell her why you adopted her ... her specialness to you and your love for her as a child warranted her adoption.  Let her know that a special person like her needed a very special family to give her love and care.  Tell her that you love her and always will, as if she were one of yours !  It is very important to have open dialogue with her on this, at this point .

Answer 29

You owe your adopted daughter a HUGE apology.  I mean you need to get down on your knees, be COMPLETELY honest (with yourself too) and beg her to give you a second chance.  How can she ever trust you again?  I guarantee you, this child feels incredibly betrayed.

How would you feel if, after 9 years of marriage, you found out your husband was married to someone else?  He didn't tell you to "protect your feelings" or because you weren't mature enough to know yet?  Bull!  He didn't tell you because he was protecting his butt!  How could you ever trust him again?  How could you forgive him?

You and your adopted daughter have a great deal of work to do.  See a good therapist (few & far between, but work at it) - someone who works with kids & families in trauma & attachment*.  You need to be completely honest with her, and that means saying you didn't tell her because of your own insecurity.  (That, or you never bothered to look into the unique emotional and psychological issues of adopted people.)

Take the possibility of suicide seriously, and get your whole family into counseling ASAP.  I tried to kill myself at the tender age of 5 because my adoptive parents didn't respect and honor me as a fellow human being.  They screwed with my mind (like you have done by not telling your daughter) and thought I'd be none the wiser.

You should be WAY more than "tensed and worried."

* Try this website to find a therapist:

http://www.emdrtherapistnetwork.com/sear...

Answer 30

Your daughter is angry she problably feels that you have betrayed her, dont take it personally, just be there for her when she is ready to talk.   She will ask questions be honest and support her no matter what.   9 year old are tougher and more mature about things than we think.   If your concern about her mental health is worrying you try contacting a support group - sometimes its easier to talk to someone who is not personally involved.   Emotions will run high on both sides, so dont force the subject, keep your chin up and be there for her, no matter what she throws at you.   Best Wishes

Answer 31

Wouldn't you be angry if you found out your parents had lied to you your entire life?  This could have been so easily avoided.  Every authority on adoption recommends telling as early as possible.  Now you know why.

Your child has my sympathy.  You, not so much.  Good luck convincing her she can ever trust you again.