My daughter was taken and adopted.....?

Question

I have a almost 9 year old daughter who was taken by cps when she was 3 weeks old. I gave her to my mother in law thinking I could get her back later. Things were good up until July 2002 when my daughter's dad killed himself and then his mother took me to court and they terminated my rights. I didn't get a fair trail and had a really bad attorney ( Everyone on the jury and I mean EVERYONE knew them and no one knew me) But I am worried about them not telling her she has a mother out there. They have changed her name and now I have to but her school year books to even get a picture of her. I do send cards every birthday and Christmas. I am just so worried about her not knowing about me. My question is do you think there is a chance she could come find me one day??? Do you think she will hate me for what has happened??? Please all I ask is that you not judge me. I know I made a mistake and am now living with it.

Answer 1

Everyone makes mistakes; you may have some serious ones in your past, but your daughter will probably want to know you and come looking for you.  She may have some hard feelings.  Don't give up trying to contact her.  It'll give her peace to realize your efforts in doing so.  You may be best friends one day.

Answer 2

CPS doesn't take children from good mothers for no reason.

Quite frankly, CPS is slow to take children from bad mothers that we have an enormous crisis on our hands AND we have a very hard time placing children with permanent families because most people will NOT get involved in a scenario where they are subject to a system that favors drug addicts over foster parents.  

Answer 3

Dear Crystal,

Yes i think there is a good chance she will look for you someday.  I do not think she will hate you.  Please keep reaching out.  I would find some comfort in the fact that my mother did try for years to keep in contact with me.  I agree with Holly.  Keep a journal with your feelings and love for her and document everything to show your child someday that YOU never gave up on her.  I'm so sorry for your loss and pain.  Best wishes:)

Answer 4

I am so sorry that you have gone through this :(

All I can give you is experience from the other side.  I have a daughter who I adopted.  She came to me at 5 weeks old.  her parents were unable to get things in order and rights were terminated.  They fought me tooth and nail for her, but they could not get off the drugs, find housing, etc.  To this day they still balme me for 'stealing their baby'

My daughter is only 4, but she knows she is adopted.  I have pictures of her parents (mug shots were all I could obtain) that I will show her as she gets older.  I did change her birth name, and her parents hate me for that, but i did it for her privacy and protection.

I have no doubt that my daughters birth parents love her.  And I will want her to know that.  If she wants to meet them someday I will support her.  While i can't say I want that to happen (I know she will be told many lies) I love my child and am behind her in whatever decisions she makes.

All adoptive parents are different, but now adays its foolish to try to hide an adoption.  Most adoptive parents are open with their children, and even if they do not give details to the children about their past, they do let them know that they have biological parents.

I suggest keeping a journal for your daughter.  Write her letters when you can.  Share your candid feelings in this journal.  Someday if and when she meets you, you can show her that through the years, she was never  far from your heart

Answer 5

Appeal the court. If you are on the right track (have your own home, working, etc) there is no reason you can't have visitation with your daughter. I don't know the circumstances involved but as long as you didn't physically harm your daughter before she was taken away you should be able to win. Get a good lawyer, pay what you have to, it is worth it.  I can't say if your child will hate you or not, I would need to know what happened.

Good luck!

Answer 6

I'd bet money she'll come looking.  I'd suggest a scrapbook, with journal entries, telling her of your feelings, your emotions, and put in everything:  the good, the bad, and the unfair.  Put pictures of yourself in it, at different ages, maybe her father's obituary so she can read it herself, and pictures of him if you have them.  I wouldn't put anything bad about her adoptive parents/grandparents, because if they've raised her, she probably has grown to love them, right or wrong.

I'm shocked that you can purchase a school yearbook, or even know what school she's attending, but that's good that you can.  She may find out sooner than you think, and open the card herself.  Register with CPS that you want to be reunited.

It's a normal thing for a child's last name to be changed when a child is adopted.  I'm glad your life is getting better and working out.  My prayers are that you and she will be reunited one day.  I know people do change for the better.  Good luck!

Answer 7

I am not going to join in the pity party for you.  There was obviously a reason why CPS took your child from you and there was obviously a reason why you lost again in court.  You are on the right track becasue you admit your mistake...  and are now living with it.  

Do positive things in your life now, and become a positive role model to your child becasue I do think she will come looking for you.  Make can make her proud one day.  

Also, make copies of the letters and cards you send her, in case her new parents do not give them to her.  When you do reunite, give them to her.

Answer 8

yES SHE WILL LOVE YOU. bE THERE WHEN SHE LOOKS FOR YOU. kEEP SENDING CARDS. i WAS ADOPTED. tHEY TALKED UGLY ABOUT REAL MOM. gUESS WHAT BE TRHERE  WHEN SHE COMES. dO NOT LIE!! Tell her you are there now and that you want to work on a family relationship. Do not ask her to call you mom. Wait for her. Do not push , just loive!!!!

Answer 9

Hey Gal, people make mistakes and sometimes the penalties are harder than we can imagine. I can tell you that your daughter will most likely know she is adopted if she doesn't already. She is nine y/o now, so you have nine years to go until she reaches the age of majority. Most states have some sort of Reunion Registry or Confidential Intermediary Service that is offered through the State. Get on the internet and search this on your state's website. With this service...there is a great possibility you and she could be reunited. Also, you know who adopted her, right??

Now, to the current, if what you say is true about an unfair termination there is chance to get an attorney and see if they can go through the court case (adoption case would be sealed but the juvenile termination case would not) and if the slightest technicality is out of line the adoption could be set aside......

In the meantime, keep sending cards, birthday, Christmas, letters, etc. In my state one of the number one reasons to sustain probable cause for termination is "no emotional relationship between child and parent".....in other words abandonment. The other reason is no financial support.

Hope this helps and I truly hope you can gain some peace in your life.....your child will always be your child since you gave her life and without you she wouldn't be here.

Good luck to you....

Answer 10

I am so sad to hear about your pain. Not judging you, but what is it that you did that CPS had to remove your child from your home permanently?

I do hope her adoptive family are sharing letters and card sent by you with your child. May god be there for you.

Answer 11

OMG, terrible.  I am so sorry you have had to go through this.  Do whatever you can to seek legal advice about this and if needs be, make it public.  I have heard these types of stories all too often and it is heartbreaking to hear of people literally stealing another person's child thinking its their right.

I would start trying to get a lawyer to seek contact with your child.  Be prepared that your daughter may have been told  either nothing or that you abandoned her -many insecure adopters do this to try and make their child not want to seek out their mother and or father and it makes the child very confused and angry.  She needs to know who her family is and that you love her and didn't give her away.  Should you resume contact with her, I wouldn't tell her of what has happened until she is of an age she can process it in a mature fashion. For now, work on building a relationship with her. It is not easy to be told your mother was taken to court to have you taken away from her.  Adopters who do this are very, very selfish people.  Changing a child's name is another thing that revolts me as these children are not puppies/kittens and names should not be changed to suit the adopters.  Proof if they were really thinking about the child they wouldn't need to change everything about her past.  Another reason why adoption is just so outdated.

I wish you all the best and hope you at least get to see her soon.