My divorced boyfriend has reservations about having more children, but I want one of my own. What should I do?

Question

My boyfriend (34) and I (28) have been seeing each other on and off for 9 years, some of which while he was married to his first wife. His previous wife was very manipulative and in the course of their relationship, he had three children with her, all unplanned. He and I are at a point in our relationship where we've worked through many issues we've had in the past and things are going really well. He knows I want to have a child of my own, but he doesn't really want to have any more children. One reason he gives is he is afraid our child would have a better life than his children from his previous marriage. Another is he is afraid our relationship will change after having kids like it did with his first wife. He also feels no driving need to reproduce anymore. I don't have any kids, nor any nieces or nephews. I'm feeling family pressure and my own biological clock to have children, not immediately, but in a few years. His answer is that he won't deprive me that experience and he'll give me a baby if that's what I want. I feel like he's not really on board and that I'll be raising this child emotionally on my own. I don't want to force him into having a baby he doesn't want, and this isn't what I pictured when I imagined becoming a parent. I don't want to be the only one happy about this child. I find myself feeling resentful of him and his children because it's something I don't have. I love him very much, and like I said, besides this point, we have a very good relationship that I don't want to walk away from. Should I accept his "gift" of a baby or should I leave and look for someone who is more enthusiastic about fathering my child? Do you think in a few years it is possible he will come around?

Answer 1

I wouldnt want to have a baby with someone that didnt really want to have a baby............even though he really doesnt want to have a child but will have one to please you............when you enter into an relationship and you thing it is going to be long term you should ask if the other party would want children if not then you move on if you dont want what the other wants............he is offering a child that you want so if you want a child that he doesnt want then stay.............if not then go get someone that does want a child as much as you do.

Answer 2

too loooooooong

Answer 3

Please know this - any man who claims that he was "tricked" three times into having children that he didn't want anyway, is not going to have a better attitude towards any child that you may have. What - he doesn't know how they happen? Didn't/wouldn't/couldn't take the precautions required (by him) to prevent it happening a second and third time? He's not taking any responsibility for this part of his life.

Really, his attitude was probably the same toward his ex, as with you - "You can have them but I don't want any for myself." After all he's not going to tell you "I am just a disinterested parent, and will expect you to do everything for any kid/s YOU might have". That wouldn't be very attractive, would it?

Does he care for those children he already has? Visit often and regularly, and have them visit with him? Spend real, connected time with them? Pay child support? Attend the children's events? You have a history to go by here.

This man uses that as an excuse for cutting himself out of the lives of those children, to be an absent (in thought, if not in deed) parent. He will be the same towards any child of yours too.

If he won't work on his attitude, better not to have a child with him, unless you are fully prepared to be a single parent, because you will be. If that's not enough for you, better find yourself a man who's interested in having children WITH you, and not just for you.

Answer 4

Sounds to me like he is willing to give you what you want. But thats still not good enough for you. If you want someone more enthusiastic do you really want to roll the dice an throw away your present relationship?

Answer 5

Possible, but don't count on it.  You need to decide if your desire is so important that you have to move on to another guy or not, but please don't make the mistake of expecting him to change or thinking you can change him - if you do then you may be setting yourself up for serious problems down the road.

Answer 6

If you really love each other and have worked hard to make your relationship work, and it is working well, I would have the child with him. Once you are pregnant and the baby is born, he will love the baby as much as he loves his other children b/c the baby will be a part of both of you.  As long as he is a good father to his other children, then he will most likely be a good father to your child. Reassure him that you will not treat the new baby with favoritism and that you will still have a relationship with your stepchildren. Make sure he knows exactly how you feel. If he tells you he doesn't want children at all, then you'll have to leave him so that you can have a child. That's something that's not worth giving up, no matter what. If he is on board, then i would explain to him how you feel and let him know how important it is to you that he be exited about having another child. Hope this helps!

Answer 7

his WIFE was manipulative? you were s******g her husband, and SHE is manipulative? lmao. and his kids are UNPLANNED? sounds like you are getting fed a bunch of horse ****, lmao...  

he doesnt want his new baby to have a better life than his other kids? dont worry sweet heart, when you are all fat, and busy w/your new baby, your husband will go find another woman to be with, just like he did to his FIRST wife. why are you so special?

maybe you SHOULDN'T have kids w/him, bc you will lose him just like his FIRST wife did.

you mentioned that his first wife and his relationship changed after having kids? again, why are you so special? he sounds like a kid, who just doesnt want to be bothered w/kids. if he wants kids, why wouldnt he just go back, be a real man, and father his own kids the way he should have been doing all along, instead of playing with a stupid HOME WRECKER like yourself........you should have went and got your own man. no wonder you have so many relationship problems, you are in SOMEONE elses relationship.

maybe he doesnt want kids w/you cuz you are not as good as his first wife. cuz he doesnt want to have that special bond w/anyone but her. you dont understand the bonding between mother and father when a baby is born. the looks of pure love they give eachother when they see their baby right after being born....

bc you cheated w/a married man, i hope you NEVER get to have children. you are nasty. glad you have problems.....

:P

Answer 8

If you stay with him and don't have a baby, you will regret it and ultimately resent him and his 3 other children.

If you leave him, you may never find someone you feel as strongly about.

If you convince him to have this baby, he may end up resenting you in the end, but you will have your child you want. I think since he is already a dad, once he sees the baby and sees how happy you are about it, he'll come around. I'd go for it.