My drunken husband has hit me whilst sober. I have grown up children who have problems of their own?

Question

My husband hasn't had a drink for a year. We've been divorced once and remarried because of his drink problem. I thought he'd got over the violence that happened when he drank but this week we got back off a holiday in France where he hit me whilst sober. Our children are grown up and have their own problems and I don't want to inflict any more problems on them. I still live at the marital home and have nowhere else to go. My husband would not seek guidance on the matter if I asked him to. I don't know whether to upset all the family, including my parents, who are in their 70's and know nothing of the problem. I am 50. What would you do?

Answer 1

hit him back  

Answer 2

leave him

you have already proved that you were willing to work on the marriage by remarrying him. he was given a big big second chance and he blew it. him not being able to control his emotions/behaviour despite knowing the negative effects is a psychological condition. he is an alcoholic, you are dealing with something huge here.

leave him

you need to think of YOURSELF now. your children are old enough to deal with the marriage breakdown. it is unlikely that they are unaware of his behaviour (physical and emotional abuse), they lived with the man too. your parents will also be ok. you would be surprised by their support.

leave him

dont u think that after years of abuse u deserve a better life? sure, its gonna be hard work adjusting, but u can do it. it will change everything but u can turn it around and be free to be yourself. live a peaceful life.

Answer 3

leave him.

and dont think you need to explain to anybody why, just tell them you have your reasons.

Answer 4

leave him, since hes done it more than once

Answer 5

I believe your husband is alcoholic.  Alcoholism is a physical, emotional, and spiritual disease.  Ingesting alcohol into the body is only a symptom of the disease.  Alcoholics Anonymous is a world-wide organization that can help.  However the real truth is that he must want to get better and that means work.  Total honesty and he probably is afraid to admit to his problems and maybe even blames others for his actions.  Al-anon is an organization for the family members of an alcoholic.  You undoubtedly will find someone who has been through the same thing as you and will be eager to help.  Thats how the program works.  As far as your parents and children not knowing about the problem....its a good bet they have known longer than you have.  You being closest to the situation you may not be able to see the problem as clear as others can.  In any case you must do whats best and healtiest for you and the rest of the family.  An alcoholic usually has to hit rock bottom and lose everything before they are ready to get better.  Be careful not to enable and cause harm to yourself.  And have some Faith.  God Bless

Answer 6

The more you protect the abuser, the more you invite the abuse.  He considers your silence permission to continue or even escalate the violence.  You need to blow his cover and tell everyone what he has done.  He has always been quick to anger and had the capacity for violence.  You and he have excused his behavior in the past, saying the alcohol was to blame.  The alcohol does not make a man physically abusive.  It just gives him a ready excuse for his unacceptable behavior.  You have just seen that he doesn't need the alcohol to hit you.  You need to insist that he leave and that he seek anger management counseling before you will be in the same room with him.  If you have to get the help of the police to force him out of your home, do it.  The violence will not stop.  Abusers are capable of good behavior for about 3 to 6 weeks after their last offense, but they are incapable of handling frustration without resorting to violence, so the next time his frustration level builds, he will hit you again.  Each attack will become more violent, until you are in the hospital or worse.  

Do not protect this man one minute longer.  Do not hide his abusive behavior.  Have the courage and strength to stand up to this bully.

Answer 7

and guess where they learned of their problems?

from your marriage

you did them a dis service by remarrying the same man

they learn to it's OK to accept bad behavior

Answer 8

I would probably leave him... I used to be in an abusive relationship and I stayed in it way to long because he kept telling me that he would change and that he would never hit me again. After nearly a year of abuse I finally got the courage to leave him and I am now happily married to an amazing man, have a beautiful little girl and I am no longer scared and ashamed. If he won't accept any council on the situation he most likely will never change and to me it sounds like he doesn't want to. I pray that you do the right thing for yourself, have the courage and self respect to do whats right for you.

Answer 9

call the police ,,one arrest should put him right to the track

becasue if he isnt afraid of god he will be afraid of jail

Answer 10

Tell your kids - don't necessarily expect them to have all the answers - but I bet they know more than you think and will be able to help even if only in small ways.

I would definitely get out though - do you have any friends that could put you up for a while?  Are you working?  Make sure you stop him having access to your salary.

If you have a joint bank account - go first thing and take half the money for yourself.  

Answer 11

I am quite sure your children would want to know if their Mom was being hurt.Don't be afraid to seek support from them.I'm sure you were there for them all these years.

Don't live a battered,miserable life.

Answer 12

CONTACT YOUR LOCAL WOMAN'S ABUSE HOTLINE!!!!!! ASAP before anymore damage is done. They can always help you trust me contact them

Answer 13

Well I'm almost 50 and my Mom and Dad would take me into their home in a heart beat. I would also have to hold my mother back from shooting the SOB.

Answer 14

Get rid of his drunk *** again.

Answer 15

you are their mother and they love you, a woman never deserves to be hit.

Answer 16

Do you still love him? If he wont seek help then you have to take care of yourself you must get out of that house  there are always people willing to help victims od domestic violence including the police!Seek  help!!  211infoline can find a  counselor for you to discuss this with over the phone.   I know you dont want to burdenyour family but they will understand. You are not a  burden you didnt do anything wrong he did. Love doesnt hurt.

Answer 17

you poor thing..why do you put up with such a horrible thing? i can understand that you do not want to upset your family but my dear, your going through such terror. you DONT deserve it. you obviously love your family and do not want to upset them thats why your still with him, but they are not the ones going through this..ITS YOU..thats not the way to do it, you have been in this horrible life for to long and its time to get out of it before you really do regret it! Its time to think 110% about YOURSELF and your kids...

all the best my dear in what ever choice you make  

Answer 18

Get out of that relationship NOW! For you and your childrens sake. You and/or your children should not be subjected to violent abuse from anyone no matter what the circumstances are.

Answer 19

Ask your children for help... I know that they are grown ups and have problems of their own... But now you really need help and the best thing is to ask from your children.. don't tell your parents becoz they're old and may not be able to offer much. But I'm sure your kids will be able to offer some suggestions... At least, they'll be able to give you a cup of comfort and support, which is what you need most now.

Answer 20

you know the answer, you're just looking for joint confirmation. Once abusive, always abusive. you're 50, three of my neighbours have new partners at 55 and up, LEAVE HIM FOR GOOD this time.... and live your own life, stop letting him wreck it. You're protecting him by not telling others,keeping the upset to yourself because you feel almost silly it's happened again..am i right? *BEEN THERE*

you also feel guilty , yet you shouldn't. GOOD LUCK, stay safe.

Answer 21

i would leave him it might bring him to his senses i would imagine there is a friend who would put you up.dont stay in a marraige and be somebodies punch bag you are worth much more than this love.

Answer 22

Pray about your situation.  Even if he doesn't seek counseling, you absolutely should.  Be still and listen to your "inner voice" and you will know what to do and when.  Praying for you.

Answer 23

well instead of thinkin about everyone else and what they think just think about how you feel in the relationship just puti t in Gods hands