My ex husband is an alcoholic...what do I tell our boys?

Question

We have been divorced for 11 years, our kids are 12 and 14. I moved to a different county 5 years ago when I couldnt hide his problem from the kids anymore. He has had several stints in re-hab and as a result we have discussed dads disease with them. Well now he lost his job, home and car...obviously drinking again. I just want some feedback on how much I tell them, they are going to find out anyway...but should I tell them, or let him tell them? They see thier dad every other weekend, in my home, supervised by me.

Answer 1

Your children are plenty old enough to understand, and rest assured they have lots of questions.  Answer them but be sure that you base your answers on accurate information rather than ignorance or AA propaganda.  There is no need to demonize your ex-husband, but it is perfectly okay to acknowledge your children's pain.

http://psychology.wikia.com/wiki/Alcohol...

Answer 2

1st off, get some support for yourself, maybe al anon. I would say that he is "not making good choices, and that he has an addiction, and the losing of the things is a consequence for his choices"

It is a good segway into a teaching moment. See if you can brainstorm a way to help him, have the kids come up with creative solutions "what can we do to help" Maybe they will have some wisdom that you haven't thought of, and can give him a real jolt of reality.

Drinking and a hard subject to talk about. I would make it a teaching moment, so they have a real understanding on how destructive it can be.

Ask you pediatrician for advice, ask a counselor, go to the library. Good luck,  

Answer 3

They will figure it out...even if you tell them now, they will not know what you mean. Just answer their questions is what I recommend. They can't tell the difference at thos point yet. My mom was an alcoholic and I realized 30 years after she died that she was not drinking water...it was gin...oderless and colorless like water. She died breaking her hip going into a bar. My brother in law died of alcohol at 37...There's not much you can do to help them if they don't want to help themselves. Take Care

Answer 4

Well, they already have some idea of what is going on. I would sit them down, away from dad, and ask them if they have any questions about their father's "disease". just answer without too much detail and tell them you are always open to hearing questions and feelings about their dad. I grew up my whole life around alcoholics and not one recovered. My step father died from it. I wish there has been an open dialogue for me as a kid. It would have helped. I think it's great you are willing to discuss this with your kids. Answer as honestly as you can without horrific details and without too much information at once. I think they will appreciate your honesty. Just keep leaving the dialogue door open with them and validate any anger or sadness they may have. I really think that will help. One thing a therapist told me once was, "your feelings are never right or wrong, they are still your feelings and you have a right to them. what you do with those feelings is what matters".  

Answer 5

12 and 14 are old enough to be told their dad has a disease. Explain to them what it is and how it works, maybe show them in a video that speaks to the subject or attend an al en on group so they know he needs help. Make sure they know it isn't because of anything they've done or not done.

I hope he gets help I've had a son in law who did & he has been sober 3 + yrs, but I've lost 2 people I knew from cirrhosis and they were young.

Answer 6

Let dad say what he feels he needs to tell.  How's he going to get there without a car now.

for you not to tell them, makes it so your NOT the bearer of bad news.  It will be things the kids will remember when they get older.  Let dad deal with is problems and share them if he cares to.

Answer 7

They're old enough. Any older, and you risk them wondering why you didn't tell them and what else you didn't tell them. And they probably already know, more of less. You tell them you think they are old enough and you think that kids their age need to know the why of things. Don't make him out as evil. Just tell them that, like some other people, he can't not drink too much and at the wrong times, and that it's messed up a lot of things for him. Ask if they have an questions, and let them know they can always ask if they think of something.

It's good to talk to them about it. They share some genes. And you can be sure they have school mates who are already drinking regularly.

Answer 8

My dad is an alcoholic. My mom left him when I was 3 years old, and because he always loved and support my sister and I, my mom never told us what had happened, and we never asked.

Last year she told us, she figured it was about time, (I'm 23) and pretty much I told her that I already knew. I saw him, I know what he's like, but he's always loved us, and because they divorced my dad actually loved us more and has been an awesome father because of it (though he never stopped drinking).

My sister and I at a young age knew he had a drinking problem, and he had enough responsibility in him to put down the drink when he was with us. Unless your ex is drunk when he is visiting his kids, let his kids discover their dad without your interference, which could make them mad at him or you without having any positive results.

Answer their questions, but I bet they already realize. Don't bash your ex to your kids or where they can hear, they WILL grow resentful of it. Just make sure your kids are safe in his presence and let life take it's own course.

Answer 9

Unless you have some reason to tell them more than they already know now, you should keep it very medical.  It is an illness.  They shouldn't come to hate their father over it.  My son's father also has an illness.  I think that always explaining it to him this way has made him a very understanding person.

Answer 10

i think you should tell them if they want to know. i always had anger towards my mother because i felt like she took me away from my father now i am 27 years old and i finally know what type of person my father is.i wish i would of known sooner.