My ex wants to see our kids 6 and 8 they don't, and shouldn't. Can or should kids have a choice?

Question

They live with me and my new wife. Their mother has not been around much since she gave us custody in April of 04. My son the 6 yr old has never wanted to be around her, and has accepted his step mother as his mom. The only one that he will call mom. My daughter, 8yr, has gradually accepted her. She had a hard time at first and since mom has left the picture she hasn't thought of her. The state is going after mom for Child Support. Now she wants to see the kids, her daughter in particular. How can we keep this from happening? When she has seen them in the past they have had nightmares and it takes weeks to get them back to normal.

She has used drugs in front of the kids according to counselors. They were originally given to us because her then and still boyfriend abused my daughter.

Also, in the custody papers, there is a line that our lawyer put in letting us STOP visitation if we suspect any drug use and that is the reason that the visitation was canceled. She has never fought any of this and we do have a complete file of any contact she has had with them, the little bit that she has asked for.

One other thing I want to add. I had to get on aid temporarily and the state has taken on the case to go after her for C/S. I have never pursued it. I am off of aid it was 2 weeks and I actually never received any benefits, I had applied and got back on my feet. We had a verbal agreement for payment but, I figure I don't want anything from her if it means the kids have to be involved. We did have her see the kids in our presence at our home, according to the therapist that was the best thing to do. She stopped coming around because it was just to much to have to come and see them. If we wouldn't bring them to her it was too hard for her. So again we let it go.

Answer 1

If they don't want to see her, then that's okay. However, I do think that the kids should remain in contact with her through out the years. It might benefit both sides...the children will see the effects of drugs and a hard life and resolve never to become that when they're oder. And your ex might eventually seek redemption for the sake of wanting her kids to see her in a new light.

My parents were both drug addicts when I was growing up. My mom got clean and we've lived with her, but we've always kept in contact with my dad. My dad is now clean only because he's in jail, but he might finally be changing for the better. And I don't regret growing up around drug use because it's been the main reason me and my siblings stayed away from drugs through our teenage/young adult years.

In short, your kids should not visit if they don't want to, but I wouldn't bad-talk your ex, and I'd encourage them to maybe talk to her on the phone or write her letters. They can slowly build a relationship that won't be harmful, and they can express their feelings to her.

Answer 2

sinc you have had all those special things happen i am wondering if you shoudl talk to the people that you should and see if they see her agian might be problems and so i am not sure they should see her i am sure shes stil lusing that is something someone hardly ever stops.

Answer 3

not trying to judge but my cousins 6 and 4 is in this position there dad has them and his gf has tooken over but i think the kids should know there real mom i mean cause she is the one who gave birth she went thourgh the pain to have them so yeah she should be able to see them

Answer 4

If your kids don't want to see your ex.

then don't let your kids see your ex.

don't force them to do something they don't want to do.

maybe ask them why and then you'll get a better understanding.

Answer 5

Kids should have that choice , since it their real mom and they will grow up not having anything to do with her.  

Answer 6

Tough call.  I just want to add that you should respect your kids' decisions and keep in mind what they are comfortable/not comfortable with.

Answer 7

if your kids dont want to see her then why force them... if your ex messed up with them that bad its her fault.