My fiance cheated. What should I do?

Question

My fiance cheated on me three days before the wedding. I have no Idea what to do. We have been together for eight years. He gave me my first kiss too. I canceled the wedding and told him I needed time to process what happened. I just was wondering if anyone else has had this happen to them and how they managed to handle it. Did you forgive him or her?

Answer 1

wow is this the first time that he cheated OR the first time he got caught? men who cheat on women or vise verse don't change they want it all the wife or husband  and the strange on the side It would be my suggestion to you that if he is not trustworthy before the wedding by all means DO NOT MARRY him you are setting yourself up for a lot of heartaches move on to another who will Love RESPECT AND HONOR YOU the way that you deserve!

Answer 2

I don't think I could ever forgive someone that cheated on me, but if I was already married to them, I would try. If I was in your situation, I would let him go. That just me, and cheating is something I do not mess with, I've seen it too much.

Answer 3

You forgive, but you don't forget.  You did the right thing.  Do not marry someone who you know will cheat on you.  Who's to say that was the first time he cheated?  What if it's just the first time he's gotten caught?  DO NOT MARRY HIM.

Answer 4

Everyone has good points. Who's to say this is the first time he has cheated? Even if it WAS the first time- there's no excuse. He is engaged to be married. He totally broke your trust and he does not respect you. I know it will be hard but you need to leave him. Good for you for calling off the wedding. So are smart, and I know you'll do the right thing.

Answer 5

What should you do? You should start calling him your "ex-fiance". If you let him get away with it once and still marry him,it will happen again,maybe not right away,but it will. Good luck with what ever you decide.

Answer 6

Well getting married is a HUGE commitment. It may just be that he was thinking something like "Holy ****! I'm getting married!" and panicked, because it's going to change his life completely, and made a mistake.

It doesn't necesarily mean that he doesn't love you. He may be completely happy to have only you for the rest of his life. It may have been a way to prove that himself that he loves you. (I know that doesn't make sense but...) Like if he was with another woman, but he still wants to come back to you, that's his way of knowing that he really does want to be with you.

I don't believe in "once a cheater, always a cheater" everyone makes mistakes, some learn from them, and some don't. I think that a guy can cheat on you, realize that he has made a mistake, and that he has hurt you, and you'll be angry for a while, but if you both want to, you can forgive, and work through it.

I think that it's good that you cancelled the wedding, and that you told him that you needed time to think about it. I think you should both spend a long time thinking about your relationship, and maybe get counseling, and try to work out why it happened. You might be able to work through this, or you might not, it really depends on the two of you.

Answer 7

No.

Trust me sweetheart, please, you need to tell him it's over. Do NOT settle for someone who will cheat on you, because it's proof that they're not the one for you.

Whether he's likely to do it again or not is irrelevant. He cheated on you, and that's that. There are PLENTY of men who wouldnt think of cheating on you - three days before your wedding.

I know you must love him very much, and I'm not going to lie - he probably returns your love fully. But if he cheated, there's something wrong somewhere.

You don't need that sweetheart. At all. Please don't be blinded by love in making your descision...

Answer 8

Forgive, yes. Marry,NO!!!!Once a cheater, always a cheater. As painful as it is, it is better to find out & move on now,rather than later. I'm so sorry. There is someone out there who will be good to you.You sound like a smart young woman.

Answer 9

I cheated 1 yr in not a good thing to do...i was depressed at the time and he wasn't there and it was a one time deal but nevertheless he doesn't trust me 5 yrs on, and it has never been right since.

Get out there will always be doubt.

Answer 10

This has not happened to me, but I know from personal experience that rebuilding the trust in a relationship can be incredibly difficult after someone cheats. You must be devastated. It was a good call to cancel the wedding. If you truly adore him and believe it can be fixed, you will definitely want to see a relationship counselor before taking the plunge.

Answer 11

That must of been very hard on you, but I think that you made a very smart choice. Your doing the right thing by taking time to think and take in what happened. Now is the time to really think about all 8 years of the relationship, good and bad. You should make a list of all the pros and cons of the relationship. You have to be as realistic about this as you possibly can. You have to take into consideration that if it were to happen again, would you be able to stay in the marriage? It is a very hard thing to do, but marriage is a signed contract, once your in it, it's much harder and very expensive to get out of. Not to mention all heartache and anxiety it would bring. It's in your hands and only you know what is good and healthy for you. Just remember to be strong and that things really do get better.

Good luck and best wishes to you.

Answer 12

I believe once a cheater always a cheater! And if you do forgive him this time & he does it again he will expect you to forgive him again because you did the first time!

Answer 13

I lived with my fiance for five years before we got married.  I always used to wonder if he was honest with me.  I caught him in small lies about stupid stuff and then caught him telling bigger lies and never coming clean.  I wanted to believe him and I wanted to have a good relationship with him and so, it just seemed worth it to me to let it all go, to make peace and keep the relationship together.  I didn't want to acknowledge that the time I'd invested was all for nothing.  

When we'd been married for two years I realized with absolute proof that he'd been cheating.  Made me feel like I had cheated myself and it's been hard to forgive myself for staying in that awful situation for so long.  I risked my sanity because when someone lies to you so much it messes with your sense of reality, but I also risked my health because he did not use a condom.  I figured that since he lied so many times throughout our relationship there was no telling how many women he'd been with.  

I've had a new love for six years and there has not been one single time that I ever wondered if he was lying.  I'm not very trusting of anyone, but I trust him.

You deserve someone you trust.  You need to value honesty.  I think that it depends on whether or not he told you about it up front or if he lied about it and you found out some other way.  We all make mistakes, but being dishonest isn't a mistake, it's a character flaw.

Answer 14

I would postpone the wedding six months and then in that period of time judge him on how well he can win you back.

Answer 15

Serioulsy, once you have lost trust in someone, its very hard to regain it.   I was cheated on once, as alot of gals are, and it plays on your mind abit.  I got rid of the cheating boyfriend, and you should consider getting rid of your fiance.  If he has started cheating already before the wedding its not a good sign.  Sorry to be the bearing of bad news.  I know thats probably not what you wanted to hear.   Or, if you still want to mend things with him.  Give him 6 months grace and see how things go with him, but dont commit to being engaged.  See how you feel after 6 months of being with him again.  Good luck.  Keep strong.

Answer 16

I would say no because if they cheat on you before your married how do you know they will not do it again. If he is really sorry he could make it work but you should wait a while before getting married.

Answer 17

All those questions can only be answered by you.  If this something you feel you can forgive and you want to work on it, then its up to you.

If this is somwething that willa lways haunt you and you wont trust him again its not worth putting yourself through.

I do no condone cheating of any kind and I would not be able to forgive.  I dont see there is any forgivable situation but some people do.

Dont go back because of being together so long, the first kiss, or any of that.  Its about true love you have for him and if he has it for you!  Take a lot of time!

Answer 18

Well, It depends how bad it was, and how long it was for.

But if it wasnt too bad...

Then maybe you can forgive him?

Answer 19

i wouldnt marry him because if he really love me he wouldnt cheat. and if he did it once he will do it again. so dont marry him because he will do it again. and then you regret marrying him later on.

Answer 20

After eight years, it's like you've been married for a long time. That does change things a bit, it's not like you're still in that early glow of the relationship. However, cheating three days before the wedding show a very serious problem. Was it at the bachelor party? Was he drunk and being egged on by a bunch of friend? If so, that's really pathetic, but not necessarily something you'll have to deal with again. Or did he go out and find a girl? If he did that, then there's something about marrying you that makes him unhappy, and he went looking for comfort.

But it really comes down to the same thing it always does. Do you think you can learn to forgive him and trust him again? Is he genuinely sorry, or just sorry he got caught?

Answer 21

Cheating is bad enough, but 3 days before the wedding?  thats pretty low.  I would be questioning if this was the first time it ever happened.  I dont know if I could go on to marry a person if I knew they cheated.  if I were already married before I found out it happened on one occasion I may be willing to try and work it out, but to get married when I already know the situation...I couldnt do that.  you will forever be questioning everything he does and everywhere he goes.  a marriage should be build on trust and you obviously cant trust him.  I would likely call it quites for now.  if he really loves you...he'll find a way to show you.  if he lets it go like its nothing then you just confirmed you made the right decision.  my husband never cheated on me, but we went though a  rough time where it felt like he didnt care about me at all...even told me to leave once and a few days later I finally did.  he was a wreck for the 2 months we were apart.  I knew he knew his mistakes and he has since gone on to show me how much he loves me and how much he cares.

Answer 22

no, didnt happen to me. but i say push him to the limit and test him b4 moving on. make sure that he regreats what he did. but i have to say forgiving someone for cheating a few days before they make you their wife.. is hard.

u know what they say once a cheater...

Answer 23

You did the right thing by postponing the wedding until you could process everything.  Really, it comes down to a matter of trust.  If this was just a one night drunken stand and he 'fessed up right away then I think it's a different situation than cheating with somebody for a long time (or more than once) and having you find out on your own.  Either way it's horrible but at least in the first case you have the chance of rebuilding that trust and knowing it won't happen again.  

For each person it's different.  I would give it a year.  Work on the relationship and try to get past the cheating.  You might even try relationship counseling.  If you find you can forgive and move forward then start planning the wedding again.  If you find that it's still having a negative effect on you by then it's time to reconsider being with this man.

A lot of women would say dump him immediately but I just don't understand why you would throw away 8 years with a guy you supposedly were going to spend the rest of your life with without even trying to patch things up.  What if he had cheated 3 days after the wedding instead of before....would you be heading immediately for divorce court?

Answer 24

Let me guess..he said the old "well i just wanted to go out and do something because it's my last few nights of being a single man" right?? Honey, when you two became boyfriend and girlfriend, he was done being a single man. If he cannot even respect and control himself for a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, how in the world is he going to respect and handle being in a marriage commitment. I'm sure it has caused some tears and lots of heartache, but be thankful that you found out before you two became legal. Let him go and try to find  a real man.

Answer 25

Oh Honey!! I'm sorry to hear that. I guess if you are someone that doesn't throw things up forgive and forget.. Me on the other hand I don't forget!! I get even!! LoL But, if you put your faith in the relationship and trust God then he will lead you two back together or apart. you have to go back to the old saying "everything happens for a reason ! "

Answer 26

Everyone deserves a second chance. Even though its hard to get over.you should at least post pone the wedding for another year to see how things go.

Answer 27

wow. i can't believe i'm telling this, but i've cheated more than once. at first he forgave me too easily and it happened again. if you feel like you can't live without him in your life, then you can try forgiveness. if you do forgive him, be absolutely sure he understands the magnitude of what he's done and the pain he caused you. i'm engaged now to the same wonderful man, and the last time it happened, he made me earn my relationship back, if he really loves you, he'll let you be hard on him and he'll win you back anyway. if you feel like you can let him go. then i would. i would have felt like my life ended if i hadn't got him back. how deeply do you love him? and how much does the relationship mean to each of you?

but, the 3 days before the wedding thing, really brings up how seriously foes he take marriage? and how much can he respect to do it with that kind of timing, beyond, of course the cheathing itself?

Answer 28

well, 8 years is a long time together.  are you sure that he only cheated on you once? how did you find out? i think that after 8 years people tend to get bored and comfortable with each other.  he probably wanted to explore new things that's why he cheated on you.  it doesn't matter if he gave you your first kiss or what, what matters is, are you willing to forgive and forget? if you can forgive but will always bring it up and play it in your head then you shouldn't take him back.  this will create more problems down the road. as for me, i will never go back to my fiance if he cheated on me because i can't picture him and the other girl being together.  that will haunt me the rest of my days and i can't do that to myself.  but if you love him 100% and know that he is the man for you and you are willing to forgive him and work things out, then by all means forgive him. BUT you need to tell him that the trust between him has gone down the toilet and that he needs to work really really really hard to gain that trust back. make sure that he is 100% sorry for what he did.  good luck and talk to you mom and bff about this before you make a decision.  they might be able to help more.

Answer 29

some of this may depend on who he cheated with...was it a bachelor party type thing with someone he didn't even know or care about? or was it someone who is a part of his life and therefore may be an issue in the future?  has he expressed remorse or was he intoxicated and urged on by other guys being irresponsible?

Answer 30

When you did your premarital counselling were you given resources for later couples counselling if needed? That might be a good place to start. It will not necessarily make the relationship last, but it will give it a clean ending if that's needed.

My condolences on your difficult time.

Answer 31

postpone it until next year, you need at least 6 months to totally get over it. if he's right for you, he'll prove he's sorry and that he wants to work it out. if you were married i would beg you to continue to work past the issue, but since youre not married yet  it could be a sign that you need to slow down. good luck girl