My fiance doesnt want to get married in a church but I do.?

Question

We've been arguing for months. I have tried everything to tell him how much I want to be married in a church. He is not religious and for that matter doesn't like churches. I even said it doesn't have to be in a church but by a pastor. He doesn't listen and never even talks about it, just gets crabby and clams up. I don't know what to say. Today he said something to me thats making me just feel like giving up and not even getting married. He said "I don't care (when that was a lie) because marriage is about sacrificing things and I am willing to do it." and I said, well i'm not. He knew before he even proposed how much it means to me to get married in a church. I don't know what to do or say, im so frustrated, we fight about it almost every other day, I am to the point im going to cry. I told him, Its the only thing I really want in the wedding, is to be married BY the church and thats it. Is that too much to ask? What do I do?

Answer 1

If you two can't even agree on what kind of wedding ceremony to have then when it comes to other issues you will be at loggerheads with each other....I hold little hope for this marriage to last for any length of time.....

He won't budge. You won't budge.....I now pronounce you two Combatants....may the best one wear the other down....jeeze.

rethink this marriage...or resign yourself to no marriage at all.......good luck.

Answer 2

You said you want to get married BY the church, but what church?  I'm not religious but I still had a minister officiate my wedding and it was beautiful, he did a terrific job.  Even though I'm not religious but I still appreciated the Bible passages that he used in the ceremony.

Also, we got married outdoors in a very beautiful location.  What's wrong with that?  People say that Christ didn't see the purpose of a building to hold church in because God inhabits all of nature around us.  Besides, a beautiful outdoor setting will always be much more stunning and awe-inspiring than any beautiful church interior.

Edit:

We got married outdoors at a hotel in June.  Rain was definitely a concern, it actually rained the next day.  However, the resort has a room set up as a back-up plan so you'd still be able to have your wedding.  It's just a risk you take.  I think that this makes a nice compromise because you can have a pastor officiate the wedding, but he doesn't have to get married in a church.  It's a nice compromise.

Also, you can't really worry about your train, it is going to get dirty, it's completely unavoidable.  Plus, it's the underside of the train that mostly get's dirty so what does it matter?

2nd Edit:

Justices of the Peace are not inherently church related.  They are assigned that title by the state.  When he refers to a JOP he's probably talking about somebody with no religious affiliations.  I'm sure there are JOP's that are also pastors/ministers but I'm pretty sure he's referring to a state official.  Tell him he has to at least compromise and allow you to be married by a church official.  You can find minister's who will do it and keept the religious aspect toned down.  It's not as though you have to join the church or express your love for Jesus Christ to be married by a pastor.  He's being unreasonable in that respect.

Answer 3

The only thing I can think of to help you is to meet with a pastor that isn't 'fire and brimstone' that can talk with the both of you and assure your fiance that he will perform a ceremony with as little 'religious references' as possible. Something short sweet and simple with maybe even a little humor thrown in.  Would that satisfy both of you?

Answer 4

the only thing you can do is keep telling him how you feel and tell him you want a religious cermoney and he fell in love with you knowing how you felt about the church, and you want your marriage blessed in a religious way.

however at the end of the day its what happens after the wedding day thta matters its more than just one day.

Answer 5

I'm afraid I can't tell you what to do.  One of you will have to compromise or not get married.  What I wonder is if you have children will you bring them up in the church and if so then how is he going to react to that and what kind of example will he be setting for them.  I'd suggest pre-marital counseling but from how you've written I don't know that he'd be willing.  If he would then get him into pre-marital counseling ASAP.  Think long and hard about the wedding and future and what concessions you're willing to make.

Good luck.

Answer 6

oh man. Marriage is based off compromises and it sounds like neither of you guys are willing to compromise.

He should be willing to get married in a church if it means THAT much to you. If he truely loves you then he would be willing to do that.

Answer 7

I can see both your points of views. religion is a difficult thing.

You are both going to have to draw the liner somewhere and compromise.

Answer 8

no hun its not to much to ask, but think how badly you feel about this, he feels just as badly, so when you say "thats all i want and why doesnt he see how much this means to me?" he is saying in his head "why doesnt she see how much this means to me?"

it can be very frustrating and cause many arguments (i know, i want exactly the same as you and my fiancee is just like your partner, but the other day i started to think of his way of understanding how he feels just as strong about what he wants as how strong i feel about what i want. its hard and all you can do really is compromise, and you have done that, but why is it such a problem for him to be married by a pastor if its not even in a church? he is being too stuburn there. but to be honest there is not much we can say to that, please dont give up, relationships are hard, i have felt many times to give up but later you are so glad you fought to stay together. all you can do is keep trying to compromise, try getting a close friend (of his or yours) to try and explain it to him, sometimes a outside view is very helpful, though what would be even better is just a quick visit to a phychatrist, that way you can both healthly make clear your feelings with a person that wont choose sides and give you professional advice. its a good way to clear the air through all the fog and stress that can occur planning a wedding. hope this helped even a little. good luck and i hope he learns to compromise to.

Answer 9

sounds like you guys are in kind of a power struggle.  On one hand you knew that he wasn't religious and didn't like churches, but you did tell him that it meant a lot to you to get married in a church.....but if it's really not what you want maybe you shouldn't, cuz if he gives in and reluctantly does it it may spoil your day because it won't be what BOTH of you want.  Try to find some middle ground where both of you will be happy

Answer 10

bride is traditionally the one who has the say about the wedding... if he has something to say... then he's either g*y, not truly compatible, or truly selfish...as in... not truly compatible...

Answer 11

someone answered and said you are in a power struggle. i don't think that's it though. to me, it sounds like religion is very important to you.  i went through the same thing when i got married - i am religious and wanted to get married in a church. my hubby is not religious at all.  thankfully he just said he didn't care where we got married and we married in a church. i can't imagine how i'd feel if he was 100% against marrying in a church like your guy is!! i really feel for you!!!

you said he wants to be married at his parents house.. what if you found a pastor to come out to the house to marry you.. do you think he'd go along with that? that would be a comporimise. you'd both be getting your way. good luck!

Answer 12

Ask yourself some questions before you go back to boyfriend and rehash old stale arguments:

WHY do you want to be married in a church?  

Are you truly religious?  

Does it matter to you for spiritual reasons or for external "show" reasons? (i.e. because your family all did it, or all your friends did, or you want to look like you're religious, ro because you think it's prettier or more "romantic"?).  

If you ARE truly religious, then you have every reason to want to marry in the church and to have religious validation of your marriage.  You also have every right to expect your future husband to accept and support you in your beliefs, even if he does not share them or participate in them.  For a truly religious person, marrying someone who refuses to marry within their church/faith is usually a "deal breaker" or no big deal.

However, if you are truly religious and are marrying an anti-religious person, you are already capable of viewing your relationship in a secular and NON religious frame of mind, and your demands of a religious marriage may be over the top -- it's about him too. His relationship with you is secular and based on love, not religion -- to him, pasting a fake veneer of religion on his end of the marriage ceremony probably seems "fake" -- when his love for you is not at all fake.   It could be that the thought of getting married in a church "cheapens" his feelings and motivations for wanting to be with you.

You can't have it both ways -- you can't be religious and marry a non-religious person and expect that they will feel the same way about religious traditions as you do.  If you want him to WANT to get married in a church, you're marring the wrong man.  Some people really dont' care either way, but if his feelings are very strongly anti-religious, you need to respect his feelings.

If you are NOT truly religious and do not live your life in accordance with your religion, then chances are your motivations for wanting to be married in the church are more about your perceptions of how you will be viewed by your peers or family.  At that point, you have to choose.  Which is more important to you:  Preserving the love you share with your partner, who in the end, will be the only person you are accountable to other than yourself and your children -- OR keeping up appearances for a few hours even though you nor your partner truly buy into the whole religious thing?

Not every situation allows you do both -- especially when the explicitly non-religious partner feels strongly about the issue.  

In the end marriage is about the two of you and the love and committment to each other you share.  . It NOT about:

Your parents

Your church

Your friends

Your appearances

Your photos

Your big wedding party

Keep your head on straight and figure out what is most important to you. THEN go back and talk to boyfriend -- if YOU understand yourself, I'll bet he will too.

Answer 13

Don't know what synod you are, but I know that my Lutheran friend has been left high and dry by his church, they aren't offering a premarital course. What's the premarital counselling you've done? What did your fiance say when they discussed religion and children when you took your course? Use that as a basis for what you should do.