My fiance drinks too much and smokes. I'm worried about his health. How can I get him to get help?

Question

Even his doctor suggested that he go to a substance help center. He drinks by himself (we don't live together) and I certainly don't want to start off a marriage with someone that has a dependency on anything. I've asked if he would go with me to any kind of counseling but he is not open to it. Any advice?

Answer 1

be a good girlfriend and smoke and drink with him!!  

Answer 2

Even if he does not go to counseling, by all means,you should go. Check out Al-Anon, or Narc-Anon, they can give you invaluable support. You cannot change your fiance, but you can change your reaction to him. Have you considered an intervention?  Have you also considered the possibility that maybe it is a blessing in disguise that the two of you have separate households? From the lips of a former addict, he has to hit bottom in order to stop. Stay strong, I'll be praying for you.

Answer 3

get the family together and call an intervention.  If he doesn't quite he isn't the one for you.

Answer 4

this is a hard one. i drink and smoke to i am male my wife doesent do either! i work hard and enjoy my social life! maybe you could try talking to him gently as my wife did to me. it did help as i use to go out partying all the time. now i stay at home and drink and smoke! just try and talk to him slowly! all the best! im 35

Answer 5

HEY" YOU CAN'T HELP HIM IF HE DOESN'T HELP HIMSELF. SOMETIMES YOU NEED TO TAKE A STEP BACK AND LOOK..

TELL HIM THAT YOU LOVE HIM BUT YOU CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE..I'M VERY SORRY..

Answer 6

it is your fiance so dont do anything drastic but do make threats you kno tell him you dont think he is serious about the relationship because of what he is doing to him self my whole family is alchohalics so i kinda kno what your goin threw tell him that he probably cares about that more then he cares about your relation ship n if he doesnt deny it then yea start breaking it off with him tell him to get his mind right

Answer 7

You can't.  He has to want to help himself or real help.  I am very sorry.  I think I would be thinking twice about my future with him.

Answer 8

start counseling by yourself and then show him by example what it can do for your relationship to yourself and those around you.

Answer 9

Well, stop letting him do it. You can't control people, but you can control how you let them react to you. How important is it to you that he stops? If it's a big deal, tell him it's hurting the relationship. You don't have to marry him. Addicts don't stop until it becomes very serious.

How serious are you or aren't you willing to make it? How serious is it to you? If it's just his health you are worried about, and he's not a violent/abusive drunk, and you don't care about the second-hand smoke, then forget about it. Let him learn. He'll wake up eventually, if he has any sense.

One step that I think helps - Try to make his diet healthier. Seriously, try to put him in situations where he's eating a lot of vegetables and such. If you start making healthy choices, it might rub off on him.  

Answer 10

Sometimes people change when they get off the sauce; their tastes in books, movies and even lovers.

It doesn't always work just one-way either ... you might not like the new Joe ...or whatever.

So yeah ... he's gota do the 12 step program before … you step down the isle.

      

Answer 11

He has to want to change before any type of treatment will work.

Is he a what you want to be married to?

Sounds like he has a lot of issue he needs to address before getting married.

Answer 12

I suggest you tell him you cant marry someone who you cant trust like that. A real husband would become healthy for his wife and future family. You dont want to start out a marriage with a man who doesnt care about his health. Tell him you are going to pospone the wedding until he can get healthy.

Answer 13

break up with him and look for someone who isn't addicted.

you can't get him to deal with his addictions if he doesn't think he has a problem.  If this isn't the lifestyle you want then he isn't the man for you.

Answer 14

apparently he doesnt want help.

move on.

Answer 15

Don't marry him until he actually gets help.  You deserve better.

If he refuses to get help, be prepared to move on with your life without him.

You don't deserve that, and neither do your future children.

Answer 16

you can't pee for him

and you can't make him get help.

The best you can do is support him and suggest.

Answer 17

yes!!!!  dont be engaged to people who are already committed to substances!   they were there long before you came on the scene and they will be there like best friends long after you have bolted.  

this is the truth.  ignore it all you want, i dont care, it is the truth.  

Answer 18

If he says no to counseling, there is nothing you can do short of dragging him. You probably love him and will marry him anyway. My sister's husband smokes both weed and cigarettes. He has hidden it pretty well from her at least, but th rest of us in the family knew. Recently he was hospitalized from complications to his lungs. He has a 4 year old daughter with my sister. I think is a selfish jerk for not changing, but I am open and tell my sister "Your husband is going to die if he doesn't change" and she knows. So I tell her make sure her financial affairs are in order and have a plan for when he dies. Sounds harsh, but it's reality. As for you, if you want to marry him, know that you will be in the hospital crying for him while he continues his habits. Make sure you aren't financially dependent oh him or you will have a hard time when he dies. You have a decision to make, marry him and end up like my sister who babies her jerk of a husband or find someone who doesn't drink or smoke.  

Answer 19

trick him into thinking that you are taking him into a mixology class but really you are taking him to AA

Answer 20

Well I am sure your friends have told you this but, he will not change unless he wants to. If this is a problem for you and you are about to get married, it will be a real big problem afterward. In general, people are less well behaved after getting married. You should re-examine your plans. You should also go to an Al-Anon meeting and get some outside perspective. Here is a link to help you find a meeting near you. My father is an alcoholic and it is problem for me still interacting with him and I am almost 50.

Answer 21

I have been married to an alcoholic, there is NOTHING you can do. They will only stop when they want to or when they die

Please consider what is best for you; break up and move on.  also try al-anon meetings. If nothing else you will hear how awful this is for other people and that will open your eyes

Answer 22

you break it off and move on. this is a cycle of abuse and its only going to get worse. your marriage will turn into a prison sentence.  

Answer 23

Run away now.  You can NEVER get a person to stop drinking, they have to want to do it on their own.

If you stick with this man you will have nothing but heart-ache.  Truly, love is NOT enough.

If he gets himself sorted out and you want to re-establish a relationship down the road, that's another matter.  Better to simply get on with your life with another person.

Answer 24

until he is ready to admit he has a problem there is nothing you can do to help. He has to want to help himself and clearly he is not willing to do that. The best thing you can do to help is walk away. It will be hard as you love him but for your own sake you have to.

Answer 25

reward him for not smoking/drinking if you know what i mean. or the crueler way, no s*x till he is off it for good

Answer 26

I suggest that you join a health community and ask for professional help as this is a serious issue which may result in aggravating complications. Here's the health forum that I always use for getting the answers to my questions: http://www.myhealth-forum.com/ Good luck!

Answer 27

Someone has to want to stop doing something before they will take action the only real thing you can do for him is express your concern for him and hope that some day he sees his addictions as a problem and want to change. the worse thing you can do is really push the issue he will feel attacked and go on the defensive.

May god bless your situation and your life.

Answer 28

that is the same way my boyfriend was just he didnt drink alone or everday when he would drink he couldnt stop and he would get crazy as h**l. But any way i just told him that if he dont stop i cant be with him anymore. He has really stopped that i know of. Ask him to stop and if he says no say than i dont think this relationship will work unless you will get help....  

Answer 29

You can't get him help. He has to help himself.

He has to want help, and i know personally, my father is the same way, you can't make them want help... no matter what you say.