My fiance got someone else pregnant!?

Question

I'm 33, and my fiance is 36. We've been dating for 4 years (with one break in between,) and we're getting married soon. Today, I told him that from now on, no more secrets or lies. And he told me that when he was 26, he got someone pregnant, but around the 6th or 7th month she went into early labor, and her baby was stillborn.

What do I do, the man who I'm going to marry has been lying to me for 4 years about something as serious as another child. I LOVE him to death, but now I'm just so hurt and confused. I don't know what to do, and I need 2nd opinions before I do something drastic. I can't ask my family because most of them don't even like him.

What do I do?

Answer 1

Do not make a drama from this information. That happened 6 ys before you got together. The baby died, so that is not a story what any man or woman likes to tell, even for a g/f (b/f). It was sitting in his soul deeply and silently, and it was a pity to rummage it up.

Answer 2

well..im sure he didnt tell you because he was scared of losing you..and i guess he felt like it was in the past so he didnt want to bring it up..im sure the guy loves you..put it behind you and move on..you two have whole lifetime ahead of you..you shouldnt let something like this get in the way..GOOD LUCK!!

Answer 3

I think that this is really nothing for you to hold against him. Married or not, we are all allowed some privacy... if my math is correct this happened in his life six years before you were even dating. Why don't you try looking at this through his eyes? This must have been a very traumatic event in a young-adults life. I mean it is more common for a woman to miscarry early in a pregnancy, but to lose a child that far along would be devastating to both the mother and the father of the child. In all honesty and candor, this might be something someone may choose never to discuss... and in truth it is not your place to pull the deepest and darkest secrets from this man's past into the light. The loss of the child's life is tragic, but from your question you are acting like he has a 10-year old child that he never told you about. I can understand that you want him to feel that he can share anything with you, but in reality how does it make your relationship stronger by him opening up to you about this? You know now and look at you...  are you are compassionate towards him because of what he must have been through... no, you are using it as an excuse to project your own fears of commitment. This sad chapter in his life was not about you and I think that you should let it go and never bring it up unless he initiates conversation about the ordeal. Sounds to me like you have cold-feet and are just nervous or worse, looking for a way out.

Answer 4

This is a total non issue.  It was years before he even knew you.  Don't be a drama queen.

Answer 5

Men never offer up any information they deem as impertinent.  With that being said, think about this.  Yes, this did happen a long time ago, before you were in the picture.  By telling you now, I can say that he's had it in his mind for a while, but probably couldn't think of how to bring it up.  That's how I felt when I told my wife, my fiance then, that I had a child with another woman before her.  I'll bet he wanted to tell you, but didn't know how.  Your reaction is natural, but not in consideration of him.  He's with you now, not with her.  Besides, what happened before might have had to happen to bring you two together.  Yes, I believe in that.  I see it in my life all the time.  Don't write him off, just know it's hard for us men to be that open.  Just the fact that he told you mean he's opening to you.

Answer 6

Ok well he didn't lie, he said he had no kids right?  Well being as it was stillbrn then he doesn't have any kids.  Where is the lie?  

Just cause he didn't share something with you prior to you agreeing that there should be no secrets doesn't mean a thing.  Knowing this or not knowing this would affect your life in no way shape or form.  

Why do you feel the need to make what happened to him all about you?  Seriously, i want to know, how can you possibly even think of being hurt by this, when you should be saying to him something along the lines of "Oh man that sucks, I'm sorry it happened to you."  

You act like he was running around and got this woman pregnant while he was dating you.  When it happened what, 6 yrs ago.  Get real, quit the drama already.

Answer 7

To be fair, that must have been pretty hard to tell you that. It could have been just as easy to not have told you, but at least he opened up to that degree and was completely honest with you. Thats gotta be worth some credit.

This happened way before you guys came together, it was another part of his life, it doesn't change the man he is now. If you love him, and if you trust him, thats all that matters.

Answer 8

well he was honest enough to get it out in the open before the wedding, You weren't around then, so I don't think this aught to be a issue

Answer 9

But he did not lie to you if it never came up. I never had to tell my wife {no more secrets or lies} nor has she told me, you two have some sort of major trust issues.

Big question why does your family not like him, you need to ask them to be honest about it.

Good luck but I would tell you to run.

Answer 10

If I get thumbs down, oh well. He got her pregnant before he met you or before you started dating. Why does it matter 10 years after the fact?

Answer 11

Its hurts but atleaset at last he was honest with you so just give him a chance he might change even though not all men,i just left mine 2 weeks ago en dont need a man in my life more more stress be ready gal

Answer 12

Grow up already this all happened BEFORE he met you.

It has nothing to do with the present so just get over it thats what to do.

Answer 13

Has he told anyone? The death of a child is so heartbreaking maybe he didnt know how to deal with it. My mom had a still born she almost never talks about it. I remember she was f***ed up over it for years. But then again I dont know your man so I dont know what his motivation was to tell you or keep it from you. If you really want to know just as him why he didnt tell you before and then if he's ever talked to anyone about his loss and also ask him what happened to his ex or whatever she was to him and how she reacted. Then based on his answer and more importantly his attitude about it and her. And then from there you can make a better choice. Now if he had a kid running around out there in the world and he didnt tell you or if he wasnt taking responsibility then I would be pissed and tell him where to go. Good Luck

Answer 14

You shouldn't be upset at him. He did not lie to you. You asked him if he had any skeletons in his closet. And he didn't even need to tell you about his past relationship and a unborn child. This event happened way before he even met you so you should cut him some slack.  

Answer 15

i dont think you have anything to be annoyed at - the past is what makes us the way we are today, and to marry someone doesnt mean you have to know everything that has ever happened to them. sadly for the ex partner there is no child and it must have been an awful experience for both of them so just look forward to the future and stop stressing over something that happened many years ago. marriage is an amazing thing and you have so many new experiences to look forward to together so let the past be the past. i can understand you feel hurt that you havnt found this out til now but maybe he was scared of your reaction. as long as you have a healthy happy relationship and always have had with him then i think you should try to relax - if you are in doubts then perhaps you should prolong the engagemant.  i hope you sort things out .

Answer 16

how could he have lied to you when you never asked him a question like that before. Now if he did that recently I would be pissed and call everything off.

Answer 17

What do you mean you finance got someone else pregnant? By your question he was not even with you then. What you should have written was "Before I even knew the man who is now my fiance something really bad happened in his life". Does "got" someone pregnant simply mean he was with a woman who became pregnant because of mutual and consensual s*x that resulted in a pregnancy? The baby was lost but you make it sound like something he "did" to you when in reality you were not even in his life... You need to treat it with the same distance that he chooses to.

Answer 18

You wrote, "I told him that from now on, no more secrets or lies".  Apparently,he has lied to you before,  May be there is a reason your family doesn't like him.  may be they can see something in him that you can not.

If he s lied to you before, he will continue to lie to you.  Once a liar, always a liar.

I got divorced two years ago.  Finally, at the end of my marriage, I found out things about him, that I could never thought they were possible.  You should have left the first time he lied to you, even if you thought it was a small lie.  There is no such thing as a little lie.

Cut your losses.  I don't want you to go through what I went through.  

Answer 19

I think you may be overreacting a bit.

The two of you were not apparently involved with one another at the time of the child's conception; and, in addition, there is no child in existence to serve as a reminder to you as a result of the birth being stillborn.

I was once proposed marriage to by a man that bore an uncanny resemblance to Ted Kennedy, eventually I got over the episode through hypnotherapy.  My point is that you'd be surprised what you can put out of your mind if you put your mind to it.

Answer 20

You have a choice.

You can be with him or leave.

I think you need some space an time to think.

I personally would leave lol. It took him too long to tell you that

Answer 21

HIS PAST SHOULD NOT MATTER .WHAT SHOULD CONCERN  YOU IS FROM THE DAY YOU STARTED DATING TO THA PRESENT TIME. IF YOUR GONA JUGDE HIM FOR SOMETHING THAT HAPPEN IN THA PAST MAYBE HE SHOULD BE HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU .AND YOU BROUGHT UP NO MORE SECRETS OR LIES HE WAS HONEST WITH YOU AND YOU COULDN'T HANDLE IT .HE DIDN'T HAVE TO TELL YOU .BUT HE LOVES YOU AND I'M SURE IT WAS PAINFULL FOR HIM TO TELL YOU .STOP TRIPP'IN BEFORE YOU LOSE SOMEONE SPECIAL .

Answer 22

I doesn't matter. Why would he tell you. It is in the past. He never lied to you.