My fiance likes to bother me on purpose... we've had these problems before? Blames it on upbringing? Advice?

Question

I don't know why, but he bothers me on purpose. He knows he does too, and he's seen someone for it once. A while back he changed and we had a great relationship going on (we've been dating for years) but now that it's getting close to the wedding, he seems like his old self. I tend to see the good in people and I believe people when they "change" - but I'm worried. He can bother me to the point where I cry. I know and he knows that I'm an emotional person too. Any advice? Our wedding is coming up really quick, Aug. 2. I feel like I can't handle all these ups and downs, and when I talk to him about the things he says he doesn't even know why, or he blames it on his upbringing. Thanks.

Answer 1

Bothering is very vague.  My husband bothers me when he snores.  He would really be bothering me if he hit me.  You need to be more specific, but considering you said that you can't handle it, it sounds like a deal breaker.  Love is not enough, respect and trust are more important and he doesn't respect you.

Listen to Mandy, she's got the experience.

Answer 2

My Dad does this to my Mom.  So often I wanna scream at him because jeez, it's not like she doesn't have enough to do along with someone who seems to pick things because he's bored.  

You can only blame your upbringing for so long.  There comes a time when you have to grow up and take responsibility for your actions.  So, your wedding is coming up and I think you two need to have a serious talk because I don't see this lasting unless he starts to man up.

Answer 3

What you are describing is significant.  He sees he can "get to you" and uses that against you.  Pay attention to that.  It is an immature behavior, and a sign of weak character.  

You have two things you mention that are red flags.  One, you say he admits he was going down the wrong path until he met you.  That means he doesn't have the will or strength of character (read: "balls") to combat his own demons, and needs someone to lead him in the right direction.  This shows he is not a leader, but needs to be led.  I bet that it's when you are in a position of leading (making a decision, trying to talk about something serious) that it's when he chooses to tease you.  Not only can he not be a leader, he can't follow without trying to cause chaos.  It's the same as the little kid sticking his tongue out behind the teacher's back.  

The second red flag is that he decided to change for awhile, but is now back to his old self.  So the "change" was not a sincere desire to alter his behavior, but more of an attempt to win you back.  He does understand that he is better off with you, but doesn't have the strength of character to actually change and make not only himself better, but your overall relationship as well.  

If it seems I am being harsh, I guess I am.  Why?  Because I married a man just like the one you are talking about...25 years ago.  It has never gotten any better.

Answer 4

I don't know what he does to bother you, but he won't "change"... he may be able to act differently for a while but he will likely be the same person he is now for a very long time... hopefully he will continue to mautre but he can't be someone different because someone else wants him to be different.

Maybe the two of you need to sit down with a counselor/pastor.  Are you both positive that this is the right time to get married and your'e the right person?  Hopefully you are and it is!!!  If so, it is something you will have to accept and thicken your skin to his behavior.

best of luck to you both.

Answer 5

Define bothering!!!! What does he do??

Answer 6

i don't understand what you mean by 'bothering' you. is he doing childish things that annoy you?  if so, it may just be him trying to have fun and lighten you up. maybe you just need to relax?  it's hard to say though without understanding what you mean.

Answer 7

Please put some descriptive words in your question.  How does he "bother" you?