My fiance wants to postpone our October wedding...

Question

My fiance and I have been dating for almost 5 years, living together for over 4 years, and engaged for almost one year. We own a home, a dog, and a cat together. We are the picture of a perfect family. We communicate so well, and admire eachother- his friends like me, as does his family. His closest sister is my best friend. The only recurring problem throughout our relationship has been our s*x life. It's not that it's nonexistent, it's just not as passionate as it could be. I always try to accommodate to this concern of his, but feel like he ends up waiting for me to ask him if he wants to be intimate - and then he says he's tired. And yet, it's my fault that we're not intimately close like he wants. Seriously, this has been the only problem that has us stuck. And this is why, last night, he told me he wanted to postpone the wedding date, which had been set for October 4th.

He dropped this bomb on me - that he loved me but he didn't feel right going into it with this reservation - that he didn't want to end up like his parents - that he misses the chemistry - the spark. Then he left for two hours so I "could think." I can't remember a time in my life that I've felt worse. My body actually aches becuase my heart hurts. And the worst part about it is that I am terrified and far too embarassed to tell anyone. I feel like they'll ask me what I did wrong. Which means I just sat there last night, drinking beer, smoking cigarette after cigarette, and emptying tissue boxes. By the time he got home I couldn't pull myself out of it. I've never felt like this before. I don't know what to do.

He says he wants to forgo telling anyone about it until we can discuss it further over the weekend. What does this mean? Is there a chance he'll wake up tomorrow and, voila, he's ready to put his tux on? Even if this was the case, how can I get past the fact that after this long, he isn't sure he wants me? Will I ever really know that he's ready?

I feel like something's wrong with me. What did I do? I feel unattractive, inside and out. When we met, I was just returning from modeling in Paris- 5'8" and 115lbs. I'm now 140. Could that be a subconscious dealbreaker? I wanted to have my Masters finished by now, but I'm still working on it. He's always mentioned that I start things and don't finish them- like the side table I was planning to re-do last year that's still sitting downstairs, dusty. Do I not keep a clean enough house? Did I say "I love you" too much? Not enough? What is it?

He spoke with his sister last night- she thinks we've just been together for so long that we've already passed our honeymoon stage, and now we're experiencing the wedded stage, while he wants fireworks. Is that it?

Somebody, please help me. I'm lonely in this mess I've made, and it's awful.

Answer 1

Maybe your fiance is just nervous about your upcoming wedding. Some people can live together forever - but when it comes to actually getting married they are terrified. He might just be having cold feet right now and this was the excuse that he came up with.

From what you are describing though, it sounds like it has more to do with him then it does with you. He wants to be more intimate, but he doesn't intiate any of it? To me it sounds like he is the one who is creating the actual problem. I want a paycheck - doesn't mean I'm going to sit on the couch waiting for someone to give it to me. I have to go out and work for it. He can't just expect you to do all the work in the relationship - then blame you when things aren't going right.

I think that things between the two of you can definitely work. You can always try going to couples therapy. It is helpful for a lot of people.

Or, you could try something new and exciting - see if that works.

I'm terribly sorry that this has happened to you. You must feel awful considering the wedding is so close...and I wouldn't know how to tell my friends or family about that either.

But, don't give up hope yet. Maybe he was just in a weird mood the other night; maybe when you guys talk this weekend things will change...plus, I think you will feel better once you get a few things off your chest. He got to do all the talking the other night and didn't even give you a chance to think or respond. Once you talk with him I am sure that you will be more at ease. I have a feeling things will work out, but he is just having some pre-wedding jitters.  

Answer 2

Maybe you should go to couples counceling.  This is the thing that happens with most couples, but it doesn't mean you should break up.  It just means that you know eachother really well and don't really know what to do anymore.  Try to find an activity that you can do together.  Something different so you are both on level ground.  Maybe your communication isn't as good as you think it is if he is having these feelings toward you.  Talk to him about it, tell him how it makes you feel.

Answer 3

This happens to everyone that's married. That's why you have to marry your best friend so it's not just based on s*x.  Let's say even if he were to break it off with you and hook up with someone else, this would still be the case.  After your together for so long it subsides a lot. You don't have kids right?? You do need to make him think you still want it and like it, they want to feel as though your still attracted and want them and still crave it from them, you need to make more of an effort.  I struggle with this myself but Dr. Laura say's you need to give your man s*x (loving) it's wrong to let that become unimportant.  I have a feeling when you aproach him to be intimate he's probably sensing that your only doing it because he wants it, you need to be a better actor or your doomed.  Put something s**y on and confront him when he comes home once or twice a week. Mix it up, try new things, wow him on occassions or he will start to look elsewhere and don't you want his thoughts to be on you?? Tell him that maybe you need some variety so he doesn't know your acting and pretend like it really works for you, it just might! You can still love him so much but just not be into s*x as often as him. Also, I don't think it's your weight gain at all, your perfect and I'm sure he thinks so too, does he ever comment on your weight?? I tell you get naked, he doesn't care, he still thinks your beautiful!...I don't understand why men get Viagra and we get nothing...LOL....Anyway this is very important to keep your relationship alive and your man happy, they really don't require much..And why you getting married anyway, you don't have to, I think it's an omen, once you get married you start working on the divorce...sorry to be so sinical, but if it's not broken, why mess with it...Good Luck!

Answer 4

I would wait to hear what he has to say this weekend. Maybe there are other issues that he hasn't shared with you yet. By already living together for 4 years, you and he have had a preview of what your married life would be like.  You don't want to force a marriage on someone who is truly not ready. It sounds like he is afraid of the committment. Up until the point of marriage, he is free to chose to leave if he wants. After a wedding it is more difficult.  But he could just be getting cold feet.

I think you need to look at and put some serious thought into the questions you are asking in your post. Some of those only you can answer truthfully.

I tend to agree with your sister. You've already lived together and are past the honeymoon stage, what she is calling the "wedded stage" is the true test of the commitment to a marriage.

Listen with your head and your heart when you have a chance to talk this weekend. No one should get married if they have any reservations at all about it.

Answer 5

As a man looking from the outside in there could be a lot of things wrong. First what was the s*x like when you got together? Could you wait to jump his bones? Could he wait to see you? Could he keep his hands off you? What happens to relationships when people get together? You have to schedule time for s*x that aint right. In the beginning you just did it no matter what was going on now you have to wait for this wait for that, not now well if not now when? Do not get me wrong I am not laying this at you feet because the man has some culpability in this as well. From what I know woman like to be courted, wooed if you know what I mean made feel s**y, desired and in the beginning that does not take much. As the relationship grows it takes more and more but you have to convey that to the man not (he should know)

The man is simple give him s*x and a sandwich and is happy (in that order) smile but when he has to wait wait wait and when he does get it   what he hears is hurry up get this over there is no passion. Trust me the weight is no that much of a problem unless you are just letting yourself go with no end in site. We all know we will gain weight as we get older and what the man sees is the beautiful woman he fell in love with and wants her not to be able to keep her hands off him.

Try to remember what you did in the beginning to get things started (when it wasn't to much work) Change you attitude about the entire relationship and go at it girl. But you must put your heart in it like every thing else you do. He is not an item you won and does not need care. Water it, brush it, feed it, bathe it, act like it is something you have that you love to do things for and watch the difference  

Answer 6

Hey LJ, hang in there. I've been engaged for 2 1/2 years and dating my fiancee for 6. We recently bought a house back in March and have been living together ever since. We are getting married at the end of Sept. The fact of the matter is that your fiancee is probably scared to death, I've been there. Being completely honest, it's hard for a guy to think that he can't just go out to the bar whenever he wants or hang out with his bachelor buddies. The thing that I have found out is that it becomes extremely hard to hang out with single friends, or even friends who have girlfriends but are not to a stage in their relationship that I am. When we moved in together, it became very hard to have the same relationship I had with my best friends my entire life! And honestly I resented my fiancee for that. But ultimately I had to realize that I made a choice and a commitment to my fiancee. I think she had some of the same feelings, but we worked through them in ways that I will explain below.  

To a guy, getting married is both the greatest and most terrifying experience of our entire lives. Truth be told, there are certain things that my fiancee and I did in wedding preparation that gave me that feeling of being sure I want to go through with the wedding. We are Catholic, so in order to get married in our church we had to go through a process that is laid out by our priest we chose to marry us. Now I don't know if you are christian or not, I'm not going to try to convert you or anything like that. But what we did do was we had 4 meetings of about an hour long spread out over about 6 months with our priest, and we also did a weekend retreat. When we started the process we had been dating for 5 years, and in those 6 months we learned more about each other than we ever realized. The weekend retreat was really one of the best experiences of my life. So what I would suggest to YOU is to encourage you and your fiancee to maybe go to a relationship counselor or psychologist and do some wedding preparation like that. That can give you a platform for both of you to be completely honest with each other about everything. The fact of the matter is that you are going to be spending the rest of your life together, you shouldn't hide anything from each other. Seeking a professional to help guide you both through pre-wedding emotions I think would greatly help your situation. Your fiancee is scared to death, and he probably has something he wants to tell you, but is afraid to tell you at the same time. That's my thoughts, I know how hard this point in life really is. I wish you the best of luck. :) Hang in there, you'll be OK!    

Answer 7

you wont do this but pack some stuff up and get out of there.  before you do that take the table and pitch it in the trash.  you heard me.  so he can see it when he returns and you are not there.  it is friday so go home or to a friends for the weekend and go silent, dont answer your phone ect.  

you are a model and some guy makes you feel like a loser.  amazing the power this guy has on you.  he wants someone he cant have, you wont believe me but you make all this too easy for him. he is restless cause there is no challenge.  if you want to get married why are you foolish enuf to already be his fake wife?  when you did that you lost some of your power over him, now you are walking on eggshells and he is losing respect for you.  where is your outrage?  this is what he is wondering too.  the more he disses you and the more you cry the worse this is gonna be.  

there is a book called love tactics that goes into this further.  order it quickly and read it.    to keep a man enchanted he just cant be too sure of you.  sounds silly?  i dont make the rules, i just report them.  

he does want fireworks.  women who are successfully married give fireworks.  if their guy pulled this they would be out of there and he would have to chase them.  

if you are glamourous enuf to model in paris you are glamourous enuf to play some love games here.  you are overthinking this.  take a multivitamin every day, some of your lassitude might MIGHT  just be caused by low iron levels.   ( i am not a doctor and this is not medical advice)   eat a steak every other day for 2 weeks and see if you dont get spunkier at the end of that time.  

know why i am taking my valuable time to answer this in such anguished detail?  girl i was once where you were, i gave too much with not enuf commitment and suddenly he started picking me apart.  at that moment i should have bolted and explained to him that he was a fool,  that his greatest luckiest moment was when he met me,  instead i fell apart and he lost all longing and respect for me.  i was a model myself  and was a goddess but i forgot when he started picking me apart,  and if i had but known my true power i would never have been hurt like that.  that is why i am giving you a slap here, wake up, gorgeous!!!  you are a babe.  

here is one more urgent tip,  immediately order a book called " why men marry some women and not others" by john molloy.  read it this weekend while you are ignoring him while he panics when he comes home to a table in the trash and no you.  dont talk to him or his sister.  take this stand.  do it today.  you are strongly warned.  this is a test.  i want you to pass with flying colors.  

and after you do, the guy below who recommends counseling is completely correct.  it works wonders.

Answer 8

First of all you did nothing wrong other than one thing. You two are not the right match. It has nothing to do with what you look like or anything, so get that out of your head.

C'mon, you two are not the 'perfect' family, you have been 'playing' family.

He is right about the spark, the chemistry. It is absolutely essential.

Through my 20s I had boyfriends similar to the relationship you two had -however, when push came to shove, they were more 'best' friends than boyfriends. The fire wasn't burning.

Then, my husband and I found one another - and we just celebrated our 19th wedding anniversary a few days ago. That spark, that chemistry is STILL there, as strong as ever. It really is necessary.

I think you've gotten comfortable in the relationship, but I don't think you are happy down-deep either.

He's right - he should be able to have fireworks for the rest of his life, as you should too.

Good luck in your decisions.

Answer 9

I'm sorry to hear about your situation--it can't be easy. I think the question really is do you want to be married to someone who cannot fully commit to you? You have to remember that you deserve better than that--you deserve someone to love you through the good and the bad.  If he is so willing to throw things away over this one issue then who is to say he won't do the same with some other issue that comes up in your marriage. Do some soul searching of your own--while fireworks may die, there should still be an intimate connection between you and your partner and if its not there, then maybe its best to get out now instead of realizing you've made a mistake 5 years from now.

Answer 10

Too long, try rephrasing.

Answer 11

first, you haven't made this mess. this involves him, too. second, you weight gain has nothing to do with it. third, it's not bc you didn't say i love you too much or bc of the house. i'm not sure i agree with you future sister-in-law. just bc the honeymoon phase is over, doesn't mean that you shouldn't get married. it usually is over by the time you get married bc people need to know their partner inside and out. i think that a good, long, serious conversation between the 2 of you is much needed. tell him not to involve others bc this is something that you guys need to work out together. good luck

Answer 12

Oh you poor thing.  That is truly awful.  

BUT I think it's good that he shared with you his reservations.  It's better that he's honest & open rather than hiding his thoughts from you & engaging in "risky" or "destructive" behavior.

I also think that this gives you a chance to think about what you want.  Are you satisfied with your s*x life?  It sounds like you've been trying to make things work & he's not very responsive to your efforts.  Is that the type of man you want to marry?

I know you have established a life with him already (the home, the pets) so it's even harder to walk away (should you want to).  BUT it's a lot easier now than going through a divorce.  I know you can't really see that now but my girlfriend got married to her college bf even though he had called off the engagement once before & she tried to call it off 3 weeks before.  They also owned a home together & it just seemed easier to stay so she did.  They got married and a year later ended up filing for divorce.

I would suggest that you move out or have him move out.  Get some space for your benefit & for his.  See if he's willing to see a counselor & start going to therapy together.

In terms of being embarassed - of course you are.  I would ask him to send out a mass email that the wedding is off. He's the one who wants to stop it - make him be the one that has to stop it.  You can just turn off your cell if you want to avoid the world.  Remember that people won't judge you though - they want your happiness with or without him.  And everyone agrees it's better to not get married than get divorced later.

Give yourself some space from him & you might have new perspectives open up for you.