My fiancee Kiera keeps talking about having kids...I dont think I would be a right father!

Question

Kiera, my fiancee, really really wants kids.

I promised her we would talk about it

and now she just CANT stop!

I dont think i would be a fit father

or be able to deal with teenagers

considering my teen years were horrible

and involved drugs, violence, and gangs.

I also dont know HOW to be a father..

my father was very abusive...and he finally left

when i just turned 13.

After that, thats when all h**l broke loose for my self.

So how do i be kind and compassionate as a father?

im nervous...and i dont want to have kids.

Nevertheless, i dont know how to say it to kiera??

Answer 1

kids sre great and u dont have to be a bad father cuz ur fther was. and if ur in a good invornment 4 them to  grow up in then thats even better. if u dont want kids then u should be honest with kiera and maybe u will grow to want kids.

Answer 2

You sound more scared than anything else.  Think of how old you will be when your children are teenagers and how much more patience and wisdom you will have built up by then.  Also, you can use your negative teen experiences in a positive way for your children.  Think of what sort of things led you down that path, what sort of relationship you wished you could have had with your father, what could have made it better.  And then use the answers to those questions to direct you in your decisions as a father.  Be honest with Kiera and talk about it openly.  Jehovah's Witnesses put out an awesome book called The Secret of Family Happiness.  It has helped my husband and I in so many ways, you should definitely get yourself one.  

Answer 3

You would be surprised at how good you are at this, and here you are beaten yourself up. It is not a handbook for parents that tells you everything you will need to know. We all have that fear some worse than others. It is not easy being a parent, but at the end of the day when they are in bed sleeping you really appreciate the fact that all the aches and pain you endure are worth it. I too had a hard childhood, it was abusive and my real father wasn't there. My stepfather was an alcoholic. I feared too that the things I went through would spill over into my parenting. But it actually made me do the opposite of what i saw growing up. I am not gonna lie and say it is easy because it is not that way, it is the opposite but not all the time. You really have to let your fiance help you and you two do this together. I tell you it will be the highlight of your day, hearing the pitter patter of little feet and the hi daddy's, and i love you you will get. Hey there are no perfect parents believe it or not we often learn as we go each day is a different challenge. You will be fine.

Good luck to you

Answer 4

tell your girlfriend how you feel. But to be honest i bet you would make a great father. you could teach you kids how to be good and respect others.and teach them how its not good to do bad. i believe you can do it. =)

i wish the best of luck to you. =)

Answer 5

Be honest and tell her exactly how u feel! espeacially if u r thinking about marring her! U cannot have 2 people in a relationship that don't agree on whether they want kids or not. That's the kind of thing that will make a marriage , and an individual, really unhappy. You might be surprised. She might be OK with it. But you do need to be honest! Good luck!

Answer 6

well, ill give u sum of my advice..

im sorry you had to grow up like that =[

im sorry you grew up withouth a father like that, and if it makes u think about it alot, and think about how you cant be a compassionate father, its really as simple as sitting down with your fiancee and telling her how u feel. tell her about YOUR childhood, and that youre scared that you dont want your kids to be in the same position. Shes a woman, she will probably definately understand how you are feeling.

i hope this helps, and i wish you luck with your fiancee. =]

Answer 7

How would you have wanted your father to treat you?

Think about it in detail - what would you have liked him to do with you? How happy would it have made you? How much would you have respected him and loved him for being such a great Dad?

Now think about this - you can make your own child feel that happy, and feel like they respect you and love you so much, and like they have the best father in the world. You can do all the things with your child that your Dad didn't do, and you can keep your kid safe from all the bad stuff like you wish someone did for you.

Answer 8

Considering your teen years involved drugs, violence and gangs, you're more prepared than the average person to handle your own kids' teenage years.

Considering you've lived through abuse, you know what NOT to do.

NO ONE knows how to be a parent before they become one.  EVERYONE is nervous about having kids...if you weren't, I'd have to worry about you.

Kiera is your fiancee...your soon to be life partner.  You should be able to trust her with all of your deepest, darkest secrets, and if there is anyone on this planet who you can talk about your fears to, it should be her.  Just be honest.  Tell her exactly how you feel, and work together to find a solution that can work for both of you!

Edit:

I've been thinking about this overnight.  The thing is, raising kids is hard, but mostly because it's work, not necessarily because it's rocket science.  Kids' needs are really fairly simple.

Kids need to be loved.  For most people, that comes naturally, and it seems as if you are a loving and compassionate person, so I have no doubts that this will be the easy part for you.  

Kids need to be treated with respect.  As stated above, since you've been in an abusive relationship, you know what it's like to be disrespected, and I would venture to guess that you treat everyone you meat in a respectful manner.  How you speak to your kids should be about the same as how you speak to Kiera (with perhaps different subject matter).  

Kids need to be provided with a good example.  Since you have managed to get through so many tough times in your life, and have "turned the corner" to be a productive member of society, all you have to do is continue existing, in order to provide this for them.  Additionally, if you can be a good husband, you can show your kids what a healthy marriage is like, and that is one of the most important lessons any kid might learn in life.

Kids need a stable home.  It sounds as if you & Kiera are working on building a solid future together, and as long as you're willing to stick with your commitment, you should be fine.  There's always finances to worry about, but that would be a concern whether or not you have kids.  Talk to Kiera about a plan for saving for college educations, etc.  Having a plan in place will help alleviate some of the stress.

If you really don't want to have kids, that's one thing.  But if you're putting it off because you're afraid of it, you'll be missing out on one of life's greatest gifts.  If you're not sure, then I suggest spending some time volunteering with kids.  Call your local Boys & Girls Club, Big Brothers Big Sisters, or even some of your local schools.  Spend some time with them, and I suspect you'll learn that they're like most of your adult friends, but with smaller bodies, and fewer experiences.

Don't miss out on this experience just because you're afraid.  Like I said before, we were all afraid before our kids were born (and probably a few times since).  That's normal and healthy, but it shouldn't be your roadblock.

Best of luck!

Answer 9

well, there's  difference between not wanting kids, and being scared.

i WOULD talk with her about your feelings, and tell her you want time.  You both should be able to negotiate so that you're not having a baby immediately, perhaps after you've gotten some savings, gotten married, perhaps brought a house, etc

during this time, you should read some books on how to be a good father.  a wide variety so that you don't just feel like you have to be a leave it to beaver type

i would suggest "fatherhood" by bill cosby.  it's a good book, and trust me it doesn't matter if you're not black.

now i personally am hesitant on having kids because they're expensive and a lot of work.  But if it's not the expense or work or other things that bother you, it's just fear, i honestly think you can get over it.  Just treat children with respect, like you treat your wife with respect, and see yourselves as "team [your last name here]"  i think you'll be a fine dad, if a stranger's point of view matters to you at all.

Answer 10

You just tell her straight out, and explain it as you did here.

She may change her mind about marrying you if she wants to be a mom and you don't want children.

You need to be explaining this to women when you are dating them - not going all the way to being engaged!

Answer 11

I'm sorry about your childhood and growing up. That would be awful for anyone.  Unfortunately if she is really wanting children and you really don't want them you need to just come right out and be honest. It isn't fair to either one of you because one of you will resent the other one for kids (or not) or feel you did something or not because you were "guilted" or "pressured".   It's also ultimately not fair to the child if you were to have them because you'll always have a regret or resent that may come out in ways you won't expect.  

IF you think you'd like children though and are just scared because of your personal experiences you may want to get some counseling before you get married and know that by having a child gives you a chance to break that cycle from continuing and do things better for your child.  Children are a joy and blessing to have, but it is also OK not to have them. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent or do the "mom and dad" thing in their lives.  There is nothing wrong with that.