My fiancee is an atheist but I am not help?

Question

My fiancee, John, is an atheist and I am not. My parents are strict Catholics and want me to marry someone who was born Catholic. Even after dating for ten years, we still have not told her parents that my fiancee is an atheist. I am afraid that if I tell my parents that I am marrying an atheist, things will change for the worse. My parents always want a wedding in a Catholic congregation, and my fiancee said his family's weddings have always been in a courthouse.

Answer 1

If you yourself are actually Catholic, there's nothing wrong with having a Catholic ceremony. Unless your fiance's anti-religion, it shouldn't be an issue. During certain parts of the mass, he can just stand there while everyone else is praying/saying the creed/celebrating the Eucharist/whatever. That's what my parents did, and this would have been back in the '70s. Since he's the one without a religion, he should really let you have the wedding however you want. If you have a proper Catholic wedding like that, your parents will also be less likely to object.

However, if you don't want a Catholic wedding, that's a whole other kettle of fish, and you're really just going to have to tell your parents and deal with it. You're an adult now anyway, so your religion is none of their business.

Answer 2

The two of you should decide what kind of wedding you'll want to have. Then the parents will just have to except it. If the two of you love each other and are happy, your parents should be happy too.

Answer 3

If you are a Roman Catholic I can only assume you read your bible. You may want to check out these scriptures BEFORE you make any rash decisions. Psalms 14:1, and 2 Corinthians 6:14. May want to have a talk with God.  

Answer 4

You need to read the source of where religion came and then you decide.

Answer 5

I am Catholic.  I am pretty strong in my faith.  I am not sure how I would feel if my husband/father of my children did not believee in God.  Faith is a big part of marriage. I think the big problem is that it has been 10 years of keeping this a secret.  If you are going to get married, your going to have to tell the folks.  Especially if there is a big reason why its  not being held in a church.  Good luck!!!

Answer 6

I am in the same boat. If you future husband is truly an atheist getting married in Catholic church should not phase him. My future husband is getting marred in a Catholic church for ME. If he really loves you it wouldn't hurt him to pretent for one day.

Answer 7

Hi.  I am Catholic myself so my opionion is this is a huge problem.  No one here can help you.  It is only YOU that can decide if you will go through with this.  Religion is a HUGE issue in marriages.  It is best to get this sorted out now.  Yes, arguments over religion do play a big part in divorces.

The wedding is only the beginning.  What about when you have children?  Will he not allow you to have them baptized?  Take them to church?  Then what?  The kids will ask "why doesn't daddy go to church."  They will be getting mixed messages from you regarding God and Jesus and from him saying that there is no God and Jesus.

You need to work this out BEFORE the wedding.  Whether you marry in a church or the courthouse is the least of your worries.

Answer 8

A wedding is so personal.  Another hard thing would be to find a priest willing to marry an atheist.

I happen to be an atheist.  My husband is protestant.  My family is religious and his family is very religious.  Contrary to belief on these boards, a wedding is not just about the bride.  My family was paying for it and as such, it was such a minor thing to me to have my wedding in a church.  It made my parents happy, his parents happy, and it was kinda what my groom wanted too.

As for telling the parents, I don't really see the importance.  Though don't lie and say he is Catholic either.  My religious beliefs are personal.  I used to feel it was something to share with people and when they asked, I would honestly answer.  Well I quickly decided it wasn't curiosity.  It caused them to judge me, and try to convert me, ruining many possible friendships when I wouldn't abandon my beliefs.  If it would upset your parents, why tell them?  It doesn't matter.  It should be personal between the two of you.

As for your own wedding, what do you want?  Your parents always wanted your wedding to be recognized by the catholic church.  That makes sense.  Now, what do you want?  Does your groom care or was he just saying that his family's weddings have been in a courthouse?  I agree with the prior post.  If he is truly atheist it shouldn't bother him to get married in the church.  After all, the legal aspect is all that concerns him and most men don't really care where the ceremony happens.  As long as you don't allow a full mass.  That would be far too much to handle.

Answer 9

Just because she is an atheist doesn't mean she would necessarily oppose to a catholic wedding does it? My huz is atheist and I'm Gnostic/Jewish (religion isn't even an issue in our relationship though). For our wedding, I tried to leave out as much "in the eyes of God" and stuff like that just so that he wouldn't be uncomfortable, but I'm sure he wouldn't have objected had I wanted a cathedral wedding or something like that.

Remember that it is not always about what your parents want. The bride's family typically pays, so unless your parents are paying there isn't really an issue there.  (I'm also a little confused on if you are the bride or groom? You said fiancee, then said her parents, then you said his family, so I'm going out on a limb and assuming you are the groom, but if I'm wrong then just replace all the female pronouns with male ones)

What about a wedding at a neutral location like a little chapel or outside with just some catholic elements to the ceremony so it's not full blown religious.

Your parents, try as they might, cannot force you not to marry her, and if they already love her then I don't think they will be that angry. The worst this can do is make christmases a little akward. And just because your fiancee's family's weddings have ALWAYS been courthouse weddings doesn't mean they always have to be. Shake up tradition a little.

Answer 10

I'm an atheist and my fiance justin isn't.  I am not anti-religion he wants a religious ceremony I am fine with that.  His brother is also a minister so we want him to perform the ceremony.  Thought it would be neat.

Can you guys compromise?  Can you find a catholic parish near you willing to perform a ceremony outside of the church (maybe in a nice garden somewhere)?  I know it depends on the church and the priest bu for most, conversion is no longer required and some will perform ceremonies outside the church.  That would be a nice compromise.  You get the religion but he doesn't have to go into the church (which may make his whole family feel uncomfortable).  If your parents ask just say "he's not catholic".  If they really dig let them know, and assure them that you plan to raise any children catholic (only if you and your fiance agree on that, though).

I think your parents may suprise you with how they are willing to compromise as well.

Good luc and congrats hun!:D

Answer 11

When I met my husband to be he was agnostic and I was a devote christian.

People told me that it would NEVER work out. However my hubby to be has the same morals as I do. However during our dating times, we both attended church together. He got exposed to the word. He recently told me that he want to get baptized. I told him that get baptized for himself and not because he wants to please me. Religion has always been a big part in my life and when I met My husband I didn't throw it out the window. My husband just learned to embrace my beliefs and morals. Honestly I will be a little tough but I am sure we can get through it.

Answer 12

You can have an RC wedding no problem, it's not sacaramental, and you would use the Rite of Marriage Between a Catholic and Unbaptized Person. It's a modified liturgy of the word (a full mass is not premitted, so if your parents are set on a mass they will definitely be disappointed). I went to one at the beginning of the month and it was very recognizably an RC service. The non-RC party was also a very staunch atheist, but he was willing to get a church ceremony because it meant a lot to his now-wife.

They picked the readings so that they didn't make a lot of mention of God, and they omitted the Lord's prayer from the liturgy (which is listed under the "standard" changes for the Rite).

I would recommend that, if your fiance is willing, you should go to your diocese's pre-Cana course (or whatever it's called there), even if you don't want to talk to your pastor just yet. Mine included a session for every couple that wasn't two Catholics, and it discussed a lot of the issues that will come up both in the marriage (which have been mentioned here already) and for the wedding. You might find it quite helpful.

However, it all comes down to compromise. What are you willing to have and not have at your wedding, and what is your fiance will to have and not have?

Good luck!

Answer 13

Hi, as oppoesed to most people that have already answered (and you!) I am an atheist like your financee. How about a "neutral" wedding? outside,  on the beach, in a castle, club house on the water, a clearing in a forest????? think of other things.

Best of luck to you!

Answer 14

What truly matters is the both of you and not what your parents think about him. Everyone has a right to their own beliefs and I believe beliefs should never come in th middle of a relationship. Just let them know and if they don't like it then they are judging and there is no need to care what they think if it comes to that point because it's all about you being happy so they should understand that what makes you happy should make them happy too with him being atheist or not. They should still like your fiance religious or not because in the and he's the same guy they knew in the beginning. Maybe your fiance wont mind marrying you where you want or maybe you two could have an outside wedding or something new that doesn't involve what both the family's have done.

All that matters in the end is that your marrying the love of your life.

Answer 15

This is a tricky situation.  And you made the whole "telling the parents" parents thing even worse by keeping it a secret for so long.  You are an adult and should be able to marry who you want, especially if you don't have a problem with his religious views.  If you do, then you have a bigger problem than what your parents think about it.

You need to tell them ASAP, because as the date of the wedding approaches it will just make things worse for everyone.  You will have to accept that they will probably be upset, and allow them time to be.  It doesn't have to be "a fight" against your parents, but they will probably feel hurt about the secret, and may react strongly.  You need to let them have their reaction and then deal with it appropriately.

Have a plan ready.

If you are okay with him being an atheist then make the wedding plans you want, and include the religious aspects you want, and he will allow, and even include some aspects that you think your parents will appreciate.  Then present your parents with the ideas and explain that you are doing your best to appease everyone.  If you are reasonable, then they should be to.  Just don't make demands or say mean spirited things in the heat of the moment (like: then you aren't invited to the wedding).  And if they say things like that then give them the chance to cool down and start the conversation over again.

Good Luck