My first poem in ages, tell me what you think, eh?

Question

I haven't written a poem in about two years now; but I've noticed that people generally suck at writing them. So here, I will write one off of, yes, the top of my head.

I started writing tihs poem at 9:15 PM, I'll give the time when I finish it.

Ah, and I finish it at 9:22 PM. I'm going to submit it on PoemHunter, and now submit it here.

~ Carnal ~

Ah, my lady,

What you seek here

Cannot be sought.

No, my lady,

What desires you've

Must needs be unwont.

You see, my lady,

They've named us

Whores.

Harlots.

Bawdy call girls seeking

Carnal pleasures.

But, my lady,

These words do us naught.

Mayhap, my lady,

We'll find our home.

Answer 1

I get the subject matter, but its jagged in its flow. Off the top of your head its not bad.

Answer 2

Oh ye...I like it...strange but nice!

Answer 3

please be my boyfriend.  

Answer 4

Hmm...Speed poetry...Is that like speed chess, or speed dating?

Anyway, I'm a little confused as to who is talking to whom here? Well, if you can use "maybap", I'll continue to use "whom" when it refers to objective case.

Now Chris, go and REVISIT your comment on my Haiku re: pet cat and admit that you were wrong, wrong, WRONG!!!!

Answer 5

This is OK. I'm missing the transition between Line 5 and Line 6; "What desires you've Must needs be unwont." That's the only place where I got hung up. The rest is enjoyable, with naughty girls and all.  

Answer 6

this made me really tired.

i thought it was quite unoriginal and boring.

Answer 7

You're poem was the same old stuff, and although you may think that your style of sounding all abstract is cool when it comes to poetry, it isn't. It makes it boring, unpleasant, and annoying for the reader. To the answer above, no you don't have to rhyme, but it takes more skill to do so. I mean, if you don't, all it is is putting feelings down on paper. Whoopidee doo! Making your feelings rhyme and flow takes real skill.

To say such things as "...but I've noticed that people generally suck at writing them..." is pretty arrogant. Many of the poems I've read are good, and I think beth_d's poems are amazing! It's easy to write a poem without rhyming, but to write a poem and rhyme, have a emotion, and make sense, is hard to do! beth_d has the touch! So, if you were referencing her, I think your opinion should be turned the other way around. You are a person that "generally sucks at writing them", because I really didn't like the poem. My advice, keep playing the piano, playing for ten years means you're probably very good at it.

Here, I'll do your style of poem....

Stressed I am

with people on my back.

I'm doing the work

but they think I'm not.

Their eyes are crazy

as they breath down my neck.

They pound and pound

but all for naught.

Slimy.

Gross.

They slither around seeking

the work they come after.

I mean, that's just horrible. It's just mumbly jumbly garbage.

Answer 8

I really like this!  It is authentic it does flow and it comes from the heart.  POETRY DOES *NOT* HAVE TO RHYME!!!  So I'm blessed at reading a poem that dosen't sound like it came out of the 8th grade.  I'm NOT an expert but I can feel...and I got this.

Answer 9

Disowning labels though poetry. Bully for you! :D

Answer 10

I think its quiet genuine and creative.. I'm not too complicated a thinker like you, but do have some poems of my own. Please have a read at http://www.freewebs.com/soniapaul/articl... and do post your reviews. Thanks

Answer 11

i like it. i like the rhythm and i like the word choice.

unfortunately i'm not much of a critic so i have no helpful ideas :(

Answer 12

I don't understand all of it but I can tell that you have talent its really very moving  

Answer 13

I guess you are trying to sound deep, but your poem honestly makes no sense at all. I could say that it is thought provoking, and it is, in the sense that I thought "What the heck was that  about?" after I read it. I guess the "people generally suck at writing them" was partially in reference to me, and I take offense to that. Mine came from the heart and made sense while yours admittedly came off the top of your head. There was no beauty or feeling in your poem. It was quite obvious that you wrote it in 7 minutes.