My first sonnet...what can I improve?

Question

Nature's Love Song

As Aurora's ballad awakes the Sun

and lulls the Moon to wane and sleep by light,

the Sun stretches his morning rays to shun

the dark and melt the blackest cloak of night.

Inspired by Aurora's brilliant arcs

that cross a firmament of palest blues

and ignite color with resplendent sparks

that arch in sinuous prismatic hues,

he girdles the Earth in a warm embrace

and casts a glow among the nimbus cloud.

A radiance flows from sweet Gaia's face.

Her passion for the Sun has been avowed;

for he will seed her terrestrial womb

with energy to make all nature bloom.

Answer 1

This is lush and green and fruitful as your subject.  I don't know enough about forms to be of any critical help and will leave that to our more learned teachers.  I will, for now, be an audience and applaud.  Brava!

Answer 2

Bravo very nice.

Answer 3

You have put a lot of effort into this and it shows.

What a beautiful awakening.

Answer 4

I don't know if I agree with "unqualified success", though I agree the revision is better.The meter is dead on and I had no problem with the rhythm (which is not to say that it's perfect, because I don't know what one considers "perfect" rhythm for a sonnet) but it was smooth and iambic for the most part as far as I could tell (every foot doesn't have to be iambic in a sonnet does it?)

I could read this kind of poetry all day. I only wish I was able to read it out loud at the moment. Not only is it easier to scan but I think I could have fun with this one; I'd use my God the narrator voice.

Another one penned by a true professional of the craft. Well done.

Answer 5

It is a very strong piece with the kinds of metaphors I also like to use.

You might consider dividing the poem into classic sonnet form: three quatrains ending with a couplet.

Answer 6

Mostly it's pretty good -- the imagery is very vibrant and appealing. But you need to watch out for your meter.

"AS - au - RO - ra's - BAL - lad - a - WAKES - the - SUN"

"the - SUN - STRETCH - es - his - MORN - ing - RAYS - to -SHUN"

See how you lose step in a few places? Meter can be tricky to pin down, but it's important to the flow of a sonnet.

If you want more in-depth critiques, try out this writing forum:  http://authorsnotes.info/forum/index.php

Answer 7

Line 4 - The 'and' in this line stops the flow. Change to: "The dark to melt..."

As deep as my critical eye can gather,

your revise reads perfect.

Your vocab was splendid together,

and your imagery assertive.

The theme was common,

but the descriptions were eccentric.

There was not a single omen,

and it seemed tooled with a bright perspective.

Revise:

10/10

Answer 8

The poem is very nicely written and has some beautiful wording. Line 2 just seems to throw me off as far as flow though

Answer 9

It was a wonderful image and exemplary use of adjectives... seed her terrestrial womb... well that calls for some burning desire... (smile)

Answer 10

I truly know nothing about the sonnet form, save the rhyme scheme, which of course, you have perfectly completed. But I go completely addlepated when talk of pentameters, tetrameters, all-tameters, is mentioned.

However, the content of this poem stirs something primal and primeval deep within the soul, something that makes one want to break the cardinal rule of childhood and just stare at the sun in hopes to soak up more than the rays, perhaps to see to the eye of the universe which has watched history that we share only a glimpse of. Yes, I long for the energy to make all nature bloom, as you have lit a corner of my personal garden with this sonnet. Thanks, Sptfyr.

Answer 11

The meter of your revision is excellent and the imagery of both is excellent.  You have taken a topic based in nature and explored it through a medium that is equal parts high Romantic myth making and rich diction that personifies Nature and artfully blurs the distinction between myth and reality.  Your language, evocative always, is here fresh and modern, though your sensibilities hark back to an earlier age.  You have explained the fecundity of Nature through the metaphor of the fecundity of woman, an isomorphism which while not new remains resonant because it is almost an automatic association, and indeed has been at least from the time that hunter-gatherers of the Gravetian horizon (circa 28,000 B.C.) fashioned fertility fetishes like the Venus of Willendorf.  The association is perhaps enshrined in the collective unconscious of all civilizations, and your poem honors and extends that and voices it beautifully in a modern idiom that is all your own. You may want to say "...upon the nimbus cloud" in L10 because among implies integration within a group of things and nimbus cloud is singular, but this is a small matter and is easily corrected.  In its artistry, this sonnet is an unqualified success.  Congratulations!

Answer 12

Your revision seems on meter, at least the first 8 lines I went through. Great images and thoughts.  My only questioning would be L7: IG nit ing, has to change to ig NIT ing but the sound of IG is harsh.  A picky point...  Well done.  

Answer 13

I just wanted to say that the poem is beautiful.  

Sorry I can`t critique forms.

I didn`t want to hit and run; star it and run.