My first spenserian stanza...what do you think?

Question

I

Murmuring bed of curling waves, O sea!

You rise with fury to the vicious gale

Your clashing waters show little mercy

As they roar and shatter the wretched ships frail

And now a grim-fortuned ship is on sail

In a cursed night, whipped by the storm-swept rain

Her crew, distressed, looks up with faces pale

And cries to the curtained heavens in vain

For the darkened skies blow them towards their bane

It was very enjoyable to write this stanza. Although it had a challenging rhyme pattern, I wrote in less than 10 minutes. (I always write well at nights, from 11 PM to about 1AM). It is a work in progress so any suggestion is acceptable.

Thank you,

Lulleh

Answer 1

standing here, looking at the beautiful blooming flower, I have smiles all over....You are a great artist. Keep going Rid....

Answer 2

You have some good suggestions already posted in response to your poem, so here are more.  Your third line, although in pentameter, is not "iambic" pentameter because "little" and "mercy" are trochaic, not iambic...it's the opposite of what you need...when you pronounce them so they "fit", they sound extremely contrived...so you need to rewrite that line.  Line four, "as they roar" is anapaestic, not iambic and "the" makes the line stumble because it is a beat in the wrong place...try, "They roar and shatter wretched ships when frail".  The next line has similar problems as "a" forces "grim-fortuned" to start on the wrong beat, and even if you were to add a "that" before "a", you'll need to change the line so it makes sense...maybe, "And now that a grim-fortuned ship's set sail".  The next line has the same problems...think "iambic" and don't force words to be Iambic unless they really are...also, I think you need one more line to form the couplet at the end...which should be 6 feet, not 5.

...keep writing.

Answer 3

Lulleh,

Is your name pronounced " lool-le-ah " ? this is a beautiful saga that puts me in the mindframe of The Rime Of The Ancient Mariner. I can imagine Vincent Price narrating this tale of woe o'er the sea...   Grade AAA

[PS]

I too do my best writing when all the good children go to bed and the earth around my parts and still and quiet (I live next to Kent State University).

Answer 4

Your verse is darkly picturesque, if somewhat undisciplined.  There are benefits and drawbacks to a form such as this.  Spenserian stanzas embrace the reader with all the warmth of prose, and enthrall him as only verse can; but sometimes you will not be able to use the diction you would like.  Murmuring is difficult to use; and `mercy' does not technically rhyme with sea because it ends on an unaccented syllable.  This usually forces the whole line into confusion, and obscures the rhyme.  Keats and Spenser do both, but in general your stanza is more irregular than-- perhaps any, if not almost any-- of either's.  Please forgive me for scanning your version; and I also hope that Chem Tutor will not mind if I scan his or hers.  I also offer a version of my own, which retains one irregularity in the first line, while one other line it only regularies somewhat.  I have tried to remain as faithful to your initial text as possible, enfeebling it somewhat compared to your original.  

Original:

`--`-`-`-` Murmuring bed of curling waves, O sea!

-`-`-`-`-` You rise with fury to the vicious gale

-`-`--`-`` Your clashing waters show little mercy

`-`-`--`--` As they roar and shatter teh wretched ships frail

-`-`--`--` And now a grim fortuned ship is on the sail

--`-``--`-` In a cursed night, whipped by the storm-swept rain

-`-`-`-`-` Her crew, distressed, looks up with faces pale

-`--`-`--` And cries to the curtained heavens in vain

--`-`-`-`-` For the darkened skies blow them towards their bane.

My edit:

`--`-`-`-` Murmuring bed of curling waves, O sea!

-`-`-`-`-` You rise with fury to the vicious gale;

-`-`-`-`-` Your clashing waters scant their poor mercy,

-`--`-`--` As roaring they shatter wretched ships frail.

-`-`-`-`-` And now a ship, grim-fortuned, is on sail

-`-`-`-`-` In cursed night, whipped by the storm-swept rain; (-`-``--`-`)

-`-`-`-`-` Her crew, distressed, look up with faces pale,

-`-`-`-`-` And to the curtained heavens cry in vain:

-`-`-`-`-`-` Alas, the curtained heavens blow them to their bane.

Chem Tutor's edit:

-`-`-`--` O roaring maelstrom what vexeth thee

-`-`-`-`-` To roar and pitch, to make a stout heart fail,

--`--`-`-` To consume without caring all you see, (-`-`-`-`-`)

-`-`-`-`-` Both wretches and their homely hulks so frail.

-`-`-`-`-` O did you see not faces drawn and pale

-`-`-`-`-` Who cursed in darkness, with no hope of gain --

-`--`-`-`- Then pitiless you laughed and lashed their sail (-`-`-`-`-`)

-`-`-`-`-` And where hearts once had beat none now remain -- (--`--`-`-`)

-`-`-`-`-`-` O bounding main, cool heartless fiend, who brings such pain.

Does this exercise help?  I am curious if the impetus for your unusual experiment is more Keats of Spenser-- or another source?  I have very great affection for this stanzaic form, so I hope you will continue with it.  I admire your experiments in various poetic forms, and think that as trials you are doing a very good job.

Answer 5

You have neglected to make the concluding line of the stanza an Alexandrine (12 syllables), and you could have written a poem that scanned better if you had accepted a well-placed grammatical inversion in the penultimate line -- "And to the curtained heaven cries in vain."  Also, though you need the -ane end rhyme for the concluding Alexandrine your choice of bane is inappropriate as it gives a connotation which lacks the gravitas your stanza demands.  In addition, your third line doesn't scan very well and your fourth line suffers similarly and has too many syllables, etc... In short, your stanza is evocative but technically flawed and you must pay more careful attention to scansion and semantics/diction if your ottava rima is to work effectively.  I would rewrite this as:

O roaring maelstrom what vexeth thee

To roar and pitch, to make a stout heart fail,

To consume without caring all you see,

Both wretches and their homely hulks so frail.

O did you see not faces drawn and pale

Who cursed in darkness, with no hope of gain --

Then pitiless you laughed and lashed their sail

And where hearts once had beat none now remain --

O bounding main, cool heartless fiend, who brings such pain.

I know it's not much, but it addresses some of your problems.  Best wishes.