My four year daughter is downright mean to my wife, not much better to me?

Question

I think it is her independency/lack of respect shining through, but nothing is right with her. If you give her carrots, its on the wrong side of the plate, you pick clothes, she wants all different ones, I could go on and on, but she really gives mom the business, she is not so bad with me. I cannot believe its like an alpha dog thing, but maybe she respect me and not my wife for some reason? I think the girls next door (6 and 3 y/o) and the girl two doors down (9 y/o) aren't much help and teach her the disrespect, talking down to her, etc. I am not sure how to pinpoint it, and I guess I cannot, its a combo of things, but I just need a plan of attack to make it stop. Maybe give her more independence? Maybe she sees that with her brothers (7 & 9 y/o). She gets her own clothes (and drops everything she does not want to wear on the floor!) Should we seperate her from the friends? Not easy they live next door, or maybe we can use them as examples of what not to do? Not easy either.

Answer 1

I would recommend strong discipline.

If she were my child, I would give her some spankings. I don't know it you believe in this or not, but I think in a case like this, time outs aren't going to do the job. You've got to teach her that she has to respect you as well as your wife. If she can't respect you, then how can she respect her, let alone any stranger???!!! She needs to be disciplined. I don't mean beating, of course. But she does need to be spanked. And when I say spanked, again, I don't mean beating, but little taps won't to the job either. They've got to be deliberate and pretty hard, so she will learn.

Answer 2

I tell you what to do put some fire to her back side and it will stop. you got to stop trying to be her friend and be her parent because when she get older she ain't gon respect neither one of you.

Answer 3

The last thing you need is to give her more independance. She's screaming for help and attention. There are several issues here.

1 - She's going through quite a normal Oedipus stage. Meaning that she symbolically would like her mom gone and be with you.

It is your role, as the father to tell her "I don't accept that you speak/ behave towards *my wife* like that"

She'll understand that the two of you are stron together, and she cannot bring you apart.

2 - At four, she needs to affirm herself, more so that she has two older brother to "catch up" to . But she's only her age, and what she really needs is friends that are her age.

3 - the girls next door: If I were you, I would limit considerably the time she spends with them. The "do what i say, not as I do" approach will not work.

Instead, if she goes to kindegardern, try to tell your wife to swap numbers with moms and meet with them, have playdate exchanges. Or have her join a local activity geared towards kids her age.

She is in desperate need of finding herself, and being around kids her age will help her tremendously. SHe won't feel as though she needs to be biggerm to do things like a 7 or 9 year old.

Answer 4

I have a 4-year-old also.  What a fun age!  lol  What a 4-year-old needs is consistency.  Make sure that you and your wife discipline her the same and are consistent with it.  Does she have a set schedule?  This could help if she know what to expect and when to expect it every day.  Sounds like she is testing the waters to see what she can/cannot get away with.  You should talk to her about what is acceptable and not acceptable and make her follow your expectations.

Answer 5

You are the parent. You need to let her know that her actions are not acceptable in your home and she will be punished for them. I think you need to establish some order by explaining the rule and putting her in a time out, with no stimulation like TV or people around, when she acts inappropriately. If she is acting this way at 4 it will only get worse if you don't reel her in now. The hardest part is being consistent, but it is the most important part.

Answer 6

Yikes, I would simply stress the fact that she is the child and you are the adults. And too bad if she doesn't like what mom has picked out to wear, that she's wearing it! Let her throw a tantrum or whatever and just walk away. She'll get tired of fighting you for every little thing after she figures out that mom and dad always have the last word. And do not ASK her if she wants to do something if you know full-well that she'll have to do it anyway. Request that she do something in a firm matter.

Once she has calmed down and can handle decisions with a little more maturity (as much maturity you can expect out of a prescooler, that is) then you may let her make a choice now and then, just to give her a sense of independence. Make them simple decisions with only two choices.... like your wife can choose TWO outfits, from which your daughter may pick from. Not the WHOLE closet, mind you. Just TWO. Then your daughter will feel like she has had some say in her outfit, but it's still your wife's decision what she wears.

Answer 7

If the other girls in the neighborhood talk down to your daughter, you may want to have a little talk with their parents. That could very well have something to do with why she is acting out, but is no excuse. Little girls usually go through a stage where they get along with/listen to their father's more than their mothers, (Freud has a nice little explanation of this,) but it is extremely important that your wife demand the respect she deserves from your daughter, otherwise their relationship may become more and more strained as your daughter gets older.

I know it's rather difficult to have a sit-down and talk with a 4-year old, but you could try asking her why she feels she need to act this way. If you get to the root of the problem, it will be much easier to deal with. You may also want to examine the relationship between you, your wife and your other children. Often times, younger children will pick up on behaviors and other things you're not even aware of, causing them to act a certain way.

What ever you decide to do, I wish you and your wife the best of luck!

Answer 8

You should teach her right from wrong,and how to treat people with respect because you guys taught her more than to lower herself upon other people,you should try to enroll her in something like sports,club,cheer,anthing where she can meet people that can give her a positive influence,and you guys should explain the pros and cons of her friends attitudes from whats ok and whats inappropiate because shes at the age where she sponges up and copies other peoples attitude or actions,try taking her and your family out for dinner or a walk at the park where you guys can have fun a keep busy,and if the neighbors talk down to her then tell her that she shouldn't listen to whatever anyone tells her,cause they are not more superior than her,they're equal,and the only difference between them is that she has more dignity and respect then them and she shouldn't hangout with people who will disrespect her,have family meeting where you discuss things openly too to get everyones opinion on situations and so you and your family can talk about things that trouble them,hope i helped :]

Answer 9

Step up and be the parent. Simply refuse to put up with that kind of disrespect. Who is in charge, you or a 4 year old?

Answer 10

Keep her away from the naughty kids.  Tell her she is not allowed to play with them because she does not know how to act right....

The main thing is NOT more freedom, it is consistency and discipline.  Do not permit her to act that way.  If she does, send her to her room or a quiet corner or a time out chair.  My 23 month old knows when he is being naughty/throwing fits, etc., he will be sent to his room until he can act right and it works.  Your wife is being treated this way because she allows it.

She WILL wear the clothes she is given or she will not wear any.  She WILL eat the food that is given to her or she will not eat any.  She should clean up her own messes.  She should treat people with respect.

If you don't handle this now, it will only get worse.  She is four.  She knows what she is doing.  And she is old enough to understand that there are consequences for her actions.

If all else fails, you can always try to call SuperNanny.  Good luck

Answer 11

If you let this go, it will only get worse.  Disrespect for elders is absolutely not tolerated in my home.  If the carrots are on the wrong side of the plate, she can move them to the "right" side.  If she doesnt pick up her clothes, leave them there!  When she only has her winter sweaters to wear to a pool party, she'll get the idea.  

I had a clothing issue with my son when he was around that age, and I found out two things:  1) if I let him choose, it would take FOREVER, and 2) if I chose, he had a fit.  I came to a place where I picked out three outfits, and let him choose from those three only.  That way he felt in control, yet it was in the middle of an already controlled situation (since I didn't care which of the three outfits he chose).

Anytime either of my kids has been disrespectful, they are IMMEDIATELY served with a consequence, which has to be tailored over the years to whatever "gets" them the most.  When they were little, a pop on the f***y did the trick, but now that they're 10 and 7, I have to be more creative.  Time alone in her room is the ticket for my social butterfly daughter (the 7 yr old), and removal of "screen time" (Wii, computer, TV, etc.) makes my technology-loving son snap into shape quickly.  

Just let her know in no uncertain terms what the rules are, and what the consequences for breaking the rules are, then STICK TO IT.  If you say it, but don't DO it, you're wasting your time.  Once you've doled out a few consequences, and she knows you're not putting up with her mess, she'll start to come around.  Hang in there!

Answer 12

she seems spoiled, and needs boundaries. be her parents, not her friends. set rules and make sure she abides by them. do what works best for her..time-outs , spanking , taking something away , talking / lectures , whatever works best !!  she also needs friends her own age. get her into something that requires her to be part of a group..t-ball , ballet , tumbling , swimming , etc. being part of a group and sharing may help her attitude !!  good luck.

Answer 13

I would absoluteley not tolerate this kind of disrespect from her. You need to set up boundaries and limits now, or she will walk over you later. She would get a spanking for treating me or my husband like that. It doesn't matter what you do as long as it works. You have to do something though and be consistent. She does not need too much independence, in my house I don't give the option of treating us with respect, I demand my girls respect us. Be consistent, set boundaries, and punish bad behaivor, its the only way

Answer 14

Exactly who's the boss here............... it should be YOU NOT her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Step up to the plate and act like a parent!  YOU are the BOSS!

YOU need to teach her respect and NOW!

Answer 15

shes 4!!  respect is a learned thing, from your interaction with others..rolemodel respect and she will follw suit..be firm..pick out clothes nite before and then tell her, not ask her to get dressed in the morning...u start letting a 4 yr old be like that it will only get worse...expect a few tantrums..lol...be strong..and firm..teach her !!

Answer 16

I have to admit there are shades of this coming from my older daughter too. I know the reason in my case and it's my guilt over not being home with her all day- I just don't want to fight with her, I want our time together to be as peaceful as possible. Well the result is that she feels she can misbehave because I will still be nice to her or I will be too exhausted to properly discipline her. She was worse about a year ago, but now that she's older I feel she's better able to understand when I tell her you can't talk to me like that and I won't put up with it. She gets it now that if she doesn't like what (and how) she is served she will have nothing else and can go to bed with no dinner.  With the dressing up thing, she is definitely opinionated there but if she doesn't want to wear what I put out, I make her put everything else away herself.

Now with the older kids, yes they will influence her, at her age she will just repeat what she hears and sometimes not even know how rude is actually is. So I would advise to limit her interaction with them. Even my dd was picking up some words and phrases that I didn't care for- for me to correct a 2.5 year old and have them say "o-KAAAAAAAY!" like a 12 year old brat just fried me.  Where am I going with this.  I guess I let it happen but now I am taking steps to correct it and it's working because I am putting in in plain speech- this is not acceptable, you're old enough to understand and if you don't start making changes, life is going to be no fun for you.  It's hard, but you will crack that tough nut.

Answer 17

Independence is fine, and at that age I woud see nothing wrong with letting her pick out her outfit for the day, and have some choices with certain things.

But too given too many choices, she wont know what to do and more then likely will get frustrated. Carrots on the wrong side of the plate, that's not a choice. It doesn't matter what side they are on. If you give into her and move those carrots around or do other things to how she wants them your allowing her hold the reins, and as she gets older if she is the one making the choices and if you and your wife follow them...it will only be more difficult to take that control back when she's older.

If you want to let her pick out what she wants to wear, you or your wife can pick out two outfits and lay them out, she can choose which one she likes best. That way she doesn't get frustated with a dozen choices and so she doesn't walk out of the house like she got dressed in the dark. Get her a hamper and put it in her room, if she still drops clothing all over her floor take away her outfit choices until she can learn to pick things up. She's not a baby anymore, but she's only four at the same time. Good luck!

Answer 18

I've been teaching my 4-year old how to cook (cornbread, instant macaroni & cheese, etc).  Also, I let her mop the kitchen floor (w/limited water) after I have cleaned the kitchen.  After we have worked for a while, we either walk somewhere, go to the park, or she goes to the babysitter.  It has really improved her respect and cooperation with me.

Also, when my husband praises and respects my sweet ways in front of my children, and makes me important next to him, they stand taller and feel proud to copy my actions.  Your DAUGHTER will aspire to become like the woman you admire most.