My friend's six year old is unmanageable at school?

Question

My friend's six year old boy is always getting in trouble at school at least once a week. The last incident he had, he threw a kid's lunch in the trash. My friend is very strict with him at home, but when she volunteers at school, he behaves.

He is involved in outside activities like karate, gymnastics etc.

he is doing very well academically. His father has never been involved in his life. He has been asking who his dad is, her mother tried to contact him but his father doesn't want anything to do with his son. He also has a strong personality just like his mother. Do you think his behavior is due to the absence of his father or because my friend is very strict with him.

Answer 1

I think that there is little doubt that the absence of the boy's father has some bearing on his behaviour.  Little boys need a dad.  A stable male role model is essential in any kid's development.  It doesn't necessarily have to be his father but it is the best scenario if dad is fair, firm and loving.  It's that simple.  Because he "behaves" as you say when his mother volunteers at school this suggests that he is in control of his actions, at least part of the time.  It sounds as if he is picking and choosing when he wants to behave appropriately.  I would make these suggestions:  encourage her to get him in to see a pediatrician to see what, if any, physiological and psychological concerns exists; also, if she has any good adult male friends or relatives that can spend time with the little guy.  Sometimes an uncle, or even a coach can be good.  Of course she must be careful.  It is not as easy as grabbing a guy off the street.  At school, the boy's teacher/s, the administration and counselling, with Mom's input, need to design an individual behaviour plan where he is taught correct behavious and a system of rewards is set up.  Just being "strict" does not do it.  Spanking him, or sending him to his room is not enough.  It might be part of an over all strategy, but it is not as simple as turning the screws or getting tougher.  That is why strict discipline policies focusing on negative behaviours - don't do that, don't say that, etc. are ineffective with many kids. Unfortunately, too often, boys in this situation do not respond well to women.  I deal sometimes with boys in the 10 - 14 age group who really have difficulty taking direction, being disciplined or even treating female teachers with respect.  And often these boys have very few postivie adult male role models in there life.  It is good to see that he has physical activities in his life.  Mom should talk to his coaches and instructors and ask for a bit of guidance as well.  I would strongly suggest that these activities not be taken away as a punishment.  The boy needs socialization and peer to peer intertaction under the direction of adults.  He needs to be taught that being active and physical in certain situations is okay.

I am a teacher, father and grandfather, and I see things like this in classrooms too often.  There are many women out there who are working hard, providing for and loving their boys, but it is still not enough sometimes.  Single parenting has to be one of the most difficult jobs anyone can take on.  In the school that I teach there are many boys who struggle, and often, few have positive contact with their natural fathers.  I hope your friend can help her son make a turnaround soon.  Once patterns of behaviours are set and a child gets the attention and reinforcement (positive or negative) from those behaviours it is far more difficult to change.

Answer 2

Sounds like she isnt strict enough...I am willing to bet that "strict" doesnt involve spanking....when I was a little boy I would have laughed if my mother threatned me with a "time out" or taking some of my toys away. But as soon as she picked up a belt she would have my complete attention.

Answer 3

It could be a way of him seeking attention from someone other than a parent.  Kids do that, especially in a school setting where there are several kids who misbehave and seem to take up the teaher's time.  They see the 'bad' kids getting extra attention and act out for the same reason.  Maybe he needs less outside activities and more mom time.  Sometimes we forget those little things matter to our kids.  Tell her to drop one activity and find something that they can do together instead.

Answer 4

There is a reason he is acting out. It might be to lack of a father or something else. The issue is he is hurting others. Your friend should get him into therapy and figure this out ASAP. As the child gets older people will not be as forgiving, it will not take much to land him in jail.  Recommend this site and see what options she can utilize:

http://psychcentral.com/

Answer 5

i dont think his fathers absence is the problem , i have an11 year old step son who has always behaved horribly in school . even prior to his parents separation . i have been in the picture going on 5 years and he lives with his mother and stepdad  and is with his father and i every weekend . funny thing is if either sets of his parents are at school voluntering he will not act up.

Answer 6

It might be because of his father, but have you considered A.D.H.D?

Answer 7

Definitely because the absence of the father. My husband acted the same way when he was a kid and he even told me he did it because he didn't have a daddy to look up to.

Answer 8

well ithink it is both i mean come on now hes six....he has to much on his plate....maybe until he acts rite take away all the fun stufff....but spend more time with him so helll learn to trust u and listen better....as for his dad s***w him...she needs to go out and leave her son with a good sitter....she needs to relax..she should go to a club and meet new ppl....hes probaly bad becuz his mom is stressed so he knows he can take advantage of her....she needs top relax and so does he!!!

Answer 9

Definantly the absence of the father... it must feel extremely hurtful if your own father doesn't want anything to do with you

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Answer 10

He needs to be sent to military school. They'll whip that brat into shape.

Answer 11

no because if he miss behaves they have to ponnish him

Answer 12

its very damaging to a little boy not to have a father that cares....that same thing is happening to my brother...he is 5 and he always is looking for some one to call dad.......and unfortunatly when they get older....they try to forfill the absence of the dad with other men.....

Answer 13

Why don't you let your FRIEND ask this question on yahoo answers then?  Because it's pretty lame to pull the whole "my friend..." scenario.  WE KNOW IT'S YOU.

Tell your kid I say hey.

Answer 14

Doesn't matter why.  Take away outside activities until he can go by the rules.