My friend Shirl gave up her baby for adoption about 55 years ago How can I comfort her?

Question

Shirls mother forced her to give up her baby and after all these years she still grieves over this decision. She made some effort to find the boy but the organization she placed him with has been closed for years. Any suggestions? She has kept this a secret from everyone all these years and her family, including 4 grown children do not know about it. I'm the first person she has ever told. I want so badly to help her but I don't know how

Answer 1

Be an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on.

Offer to be a phone number or a mailing address, if she wants to keep this quiet.

Offer to be there as a buffer for her when she tells her family.

Help her to forgive herself and her mother.

Remind her that you care about her, no matter what she has done in the past, and that God loves her too.

Offer to be her designated driver on his birthday.

Answer 2

Go to the book store (or library) and get her "The Girls Who Went Away" by Ann Fessler.  Read it!  

Find out if the state the child was born in has a reunion registry.  For instance, in California, see http://www.childsworld.ca.gov/res/pdf/Ho...

http://www.genealogytoday.com/adoption/p...

Have her sign up with International Soundex Reunion Registry or ISRR @  http://www.isrr.net/  

A few other resources:

http://www.exiledmothers.com/index.html

http://www.cubirthparents.org/

http://originsusa.memberlodge.org/

http://www.babyscoopera.com/

Let her know she's NOT ALONE!

Good luck & blessings!

Answer 3

My suggestion is to allow her to express her feelings to you in any way she needs to without any judgement.  The posters above me have some awesome links do check them out.  Stand with her in any of her decisions that she makes.

There are a lot of women in her position, please let her know she is not alone.

Being a listening ear and praying for her and with her (if thats what she needs) is one of the best ways to comfort that I know of.

Answer 4

Isabel Rocks!

If you PM me the name of the home she was in and the state I can see if I can find anything on it and where the records have gone.

Answer 5

I waited 30 years before looking and finding my daughter, the reasons I waited was because only 6 people knew of my pregnancy. When I found her, I had to come clean, I had lived a lie and kept that secret for 30 years. It was a very hard life to live. It was very hard to tell my son, who was raised as an only child, and he was pretty upset, not because he had a sister, but because we hadn't told him, I thought why tell, if I couldn't ever find her? My best friend was terribly hurt that I hadn't told her, so finding my daughter had an impact on many people. Once I found her and we reunited, it became easier to tell people, and they didn't respond the way I thought they would, I had thought of myself as a horrible person, what kind of a woman can give away her flesh and blood? I was surprised at how wonderful everyone was, how excited for me that I had found her. I was very afraid, but everything turned out pretty good for me. We are happy in reunion since 2001.

Answer 6

Your friend just needs somone to listen....she has 55 years of secrets and heartache to share. Just listen and show compassion.  This is the first step in her regaining the power that was taken from her. She is feeling empowered to shed the shame that has been self imposed for so many years.....just listen.

I cannot speak what is right for you friend......but give her some time and gently suggest she tell her children. She will only be truly free when the entire truth comes out. But right now she needs to take baby steps. Be her friend and take this walk with her.

Please let her know that the shame and stigma attatched to adoption has faded.....people feel differntly today. And that he child may want to see her and know her despite what she was told in the past.

Answer 7

There are several adoption re-union sights out there.  Back then, being pregnant was just not the thing for a young woman.  She should seek some professional help, and/or a pastor to help her prepare her family to know about this (better than baby to show up after she's gone to cause pain).  Pray for a good re-union, and tell her that she gave a gift to someone else, that was most likely loved, cherished, and had things that she wasn't able to do for it.  Also she might prepare a letter to baby and to her kids explaining the situation back then.  Hugs from you, and with your computer skills, it might help her find her child.  Good luck.

Answer 8

I'm a 43 year old adoptee.  My natural dad spent 35 years feeling the grief of relinquishment until we reunited 6 years ago.

There are some online groups for people who gave up children many years ago.  A lot of them were made to do this because of the pressures of family and society at that time.

Concerned United Birthparents  http://www.cubirthparents.org

CUB also has a support list.

Origins USA

http://www.origins-usa.net

Answer 9

this is so touching, i hope she finds him.

Answer 10

I don't know where you are but there are organizations who try to connect these people.

I'm in Australia and some years ago the law was changed so that once the child was over 18 the parent can go on a list which enables their child to contact them.

Even if the law in your area still keeps the records sealed, you could, using a PO Box for responses, advertise for people born on that date to contact you.

Check and see what is available in your area.

We have an organization called 'Gig-Saw' who assists people in this situation.

Answer 11

I'm so sorry she is greiving for her baby after all this time.  She gave the greatest gift a woman can give.  I wish I had the courage to do what she did.  When I was faced with this situation I ended the pregnancy.  That was 33 years ago.  I wish I had been generous enough to make a couple's dreams come true.  I hope she will find her baby, but if she doesn't, please tell her she should be proud of herself that she did the very best she could do by her baby!  I will always feel horrible that I didn't.  I never did have children, and I will forever think of the baby I could have had.  I hope this somehow makes her feel better.