My friend aborted "her" baby, but didn't tell the adoptive parents

Question

First, I want to start off by saying I'm against abortion, unless there is a rape/incest reason. Anyway...

My friend, she got pregnant, and decided right away that she couldn't keep it. She opt to adopt it, and started the process soon. (This is what she was telling me last night). She went through a "special process" with just a lawyer.

The guidelines that she told me about: she'd carry the baby to full term, and then give them the baby. They, in turn, would pay for all hospital costs - and pay her $15,000. (Kind of sounded like she was a surrogate to her own baby then "normal" adoption.)

Ok, so- I talked to her last night over the phone, and she said she'd decided that she didn't even want to go through with the pregnancy, so she'd gone to a clinic & they gave her pills. (She said she was almost 3 months along).

The reason for this post is, she hasn't even told the adoptive parents yet. She said she aborted the baby "a couple weeks ago". And she doesn't know how to tell them. She got herself in a big mess. It's sad because this couple in continually anticipating the arrival of their new baby that doesn't even exist anymore. Also, they could be turning down current opportunities to adopt other children because they think they are all ready to go with one already.

Finally, the question, I guess it would be: do you think she could get penalized for doing this? I know it's her decision, but technically.. I guess .. it's already the other couples baby.. ??

Answer 1

Something sounds fishy to me, too, you can't do a "pill" abortion at  months, or even 2.

I do not think that the baby was the adoptive parents yet. It was your friend's baby. She didn't owe them that child, but she did owe her child LIFE.

But I still don't think it should be legal for a woman to kill any baby, whether hers or anyone else's.  

But as for whose the baby was, it was still your friend's.

If she's telling the truth, it's unfortunate she was too selfish to deal with the consequences of HER actions, and instead tried to make them just "go away" by killing an innocent child.

She  needs to tell the Aparents ASAP if she's no longer pregnant or planning to give her baby to them. As you said, they may be missing out on other opportunities to adopt.

sheesh.. I've always known that some people here have sick and twisted minds.. but to say that it's GOOD that someone killed an innocent child.. that's just disturbing.

No one said adoption is better than parenting.

Two blood types (typically)..4 arms, 4 legs, two hearts..= two bodies! It wasn't "her" body. Is she dead? Is she harmed? I think not. It was someone else that suffered, not her.. so why should it be MY choice for someone ELSE to suffer??

Answer 2

well thats kinda a hard question, cause it is still her baby. but she should tell the adoptive parents asap or maybe the people who helped with the adoption can help with this. it will be hard for her and the adoptive parents, but the longer she takes the harder it will be.

Answer 3

If she's in the USA, then she's a big fat liar.  First off, it's illegal for them to give her $15,000.  You can't sell children in the USA.  So, that's a lie.  Second, no doctor would give her a "morning after pill" at 3 months along.  She would have had to have a regular abortion.  So, that's a lie, too.

She's yanking your chain.  And if she WERE really pregnant, this baby is HERS until she gives birth.  She is not obligated to give her child away no matter how much they paid.

Answer 4

No adoption in the US can take place partially or otherwise until the baby is born, end of story. While it's horrible to not be upfront with the prospective adoptive parents, it isn't illegal.

HOWEVER: If she has accepted any funds, gifts, money for living expenses or medical care, etc, she actually can be held on charges of fraud if they press charges. There have been quite a few cases in the news about this recently, and yes, the fraud charges do stick. To prove fraud, they would have to have evidence that she knowingly and willfully lied to them for monetary gain, and pretending to be pregnant when you aren't certainly fits the bill. If she hasn't accepted any money, she may still be able to be sued for a small amount for pain and suffering in a civil court, but the likelyhood of that type of case being won by the plaintifs would be slim.

Answer 5

she needs to contact the lawyer as soon as possible.  She needs to do the RIGHT THING by letting the adoptive couple know as soon as possible.  

Answer 6

There are a couple of inconsistencies in this story.  One: your friend probably could not have taken the morning after pill, as far along as you say she was.  Two: It's illegal to pay someone for a child (referring to the $15,000.  It's also illegal to accept money for giving a child for adoption.  I'm not saying this couldn't happen, but it's doubtful that a lawyer would be involved or even that she would be talking about it.

Whatever a person's moral feelings are about abortion, it is legal for someone to do.  Just because someone has made an adoption plan, they are not obligated to place the child for adoption.  It's not "their" baby, the baby is hers until she signs the papers.  

But for the sake of argument, let's say that the PAPs are paying the living expenses for your friend.  If she had an abortion and is continuing to accept money for living expenses based on a good-faith agreement with the PAPs, that becomes fraud.  If she doesn't want to speak to the PAPs, fine.  But she shouldn't continue to accept money for living expenses.  

I also find it terribly ironic that the people who are most vocal about abortion being a personal decision that nobody else should question or judge, seem to have no problem questioning or judging a woman's decision to adopt.  

I guess that someone is only capable of making their own decision when it agrees with your agenda, right?

Answer 7

The first thing to realize here, no matter how you or I or anyone else feels about abortion, is that this unborn child was not the adoptive parent's child.  This was the mother's (your friend's) unborn child.  So, technically and legally, no, it's not already the other couple's baby.  A mother cannot legally give her child up for adoption until after the birth.  A child cannot, therefore, legally be adopted until after birth and after relinquishment by the parents.  Simply considering adoption doesn't make it legally the case.  Therefore, why would your friend be penalized?  She has broken no jurisdictional laws.  Because this was her pregnancy and her unborn child, under the law she had the right to an abortion.  Your feelings and my feeling about abortion have nothing to do with the fact that she has a legal right to do so.

Private adoption scenarios that include Pre-birth matching -- the type your friend was considering -- are not uncommon.  They lead, however, to these sorts of problems.  Mothers decide to parents their own children, or as in your friend's case not to carry to term, and they are frequently left being judged for making decisions that any mother has a legal right to make.  Mothers have a natural and legal right to parent their own children (unless, of course, in situations of founded abuse/neglect.)  Women also have the legal right to terminate a pregnancy.

Of course, your friend may let the people who were thinking of adopting the child know.  However, this was her pregnancy, and legally her child, not theirs.  If she chose to abort the pregnancy, it was her right.  If she had chosen to carry to term and parent, that was also her right.  A mother cannot legally give her child up for adoption until after the birth.

ETA:

I see that your friend stated she had an abortion via pill.  There is no such pill available at 3 months.  There is more going on here that she hasn't told you.  If she did, indeed, have an abortion, it would have been via surgical procedure.

ETA 2:

Another posted stated that your friend signed a contract and broke it.  This is not so.  Because a child cannot be legally relinquished until after the birth, there was no contract. There was simply discussion between two parties of arranging for an adoption following the birth and the relinquishment.  Further, even if a mother does sign relinquishment papers after the birth, the law provides varying time periods (dependent on the state she is in) for her to change her mind.  Prior to the birth, of course, none of this matters, as she cannot sign relinquish papers, therefore the child cannot be adopted.

Answer 8

"I know it's her decision, but technically.. I guess .. it's already the other couples baby.. ??"

-actually, it was never the other couple's baby... custody is changed over after birth and papers are signed.

bottom line: she doesn't have to "clear" an abortion decision with an unrelated party.  if she is having difficulty telling them, have her send them an email or a letter.  personally, i wouldn't even do that.

ps.  there are no "pills" that can be given at that gestation.  if she had an abortion, it was most likely a "surgical abortion." honestly, something sounds a bit "fishy" here.  

Answer 9

Why do you care what your "friend" does with HER body? Isn't she mature enough to make her own decisions??

You have no idea how SHE feels. A good freind would be there to support her not judge her.

Answer 10

GOOD for her!

It was HER baby--it was in her body, how could it belong to anyone else?

She just needs to tell the attorney that she lost the baby--it's NONE of their business what happened to it.

You'd have been happier if she gave her first born child away?

Yikes.

ETA:

Funny how S*z*esm*th, below me, want to crucify the mother willing to take money, but has NO problem with the PAPs willing to PAY money for a child, or the 'professinal' attorney who came up with this scheme.  He should be reported to the American Bar Association for an ethics violation.

Answer 11

If she was close to three months, then she was close to  12 weeks along and the abortion pill is only given up until the 8-9 week.  I doubt she was ever pregnant and this is some huge story she was giving everyone to try and get money.  I think your friend is a liar and needs to fess up about something.

Answer 12

There are several things fishy here.  The pills at that step are illegal.  Taking money for the baby is illegal.  It sounds like the police need to be involved.

I support adoption very much, for individuals who cannot raise a child.  I also support the sacrifices that mothers (and fathers) make in order to support their kids.  I am an adoptive parent, and I support those who adopt ethically.  However, a ***** that agreed to take money for a baby needs to be in jail.

Answer 13

This was her choice but it is extremely wrong to have not informed the couple that was going to adopt her baby. They will be upset and heartbroken even more knowing she killed the child but they can move on and look to adopt another child. You need to tell your friend that she needs to arrange to meet with this couple and break the news to them. This is just not a bomb that should be dropped over the phone. I suppose if she wants she can lie and say she just miscarried.

I also don’t understand how she took a pill if she was 3months pregnant I have never heard of an abortion pill other then the one that can be taken with in 78 hours of intercourse.

Your friend is clearly telling some sort of lie do you know she was truly pregnant to start with?  Perhaps she never was and was just playing a game if so then she need to spend some time in the big house.

Either way she needs to tell this couple because there is probably another baby/child out there that needs them for parents.

Answer 14

Well, the simple answer is, it's fraud if she doesn't and accepts money.

But, the other part of this is that it's illegal for the pre-adoptive parents to give her cash (the $15,000 you mentioned).  So, your friend is either lying, mistaken, or something very illegal is going on.

Answer 15

Well it's her baby but she made an arrangement with the other couple, at least, she should tell them so they can look somewhere else. That would be the right thing to do i would think.  

Answer 16

I think anyone who would bribe a pregnant woman and solict for an unborn baby should be prosecuted.

Her body, her choice.

Bravo for her! I hope she has influenced other women to realize ALL the legal options available to them.  

Answer 17

That's awful. I wish I could thank my natural mom for giving me and my parents a wonderful life. She was wrong to do that without discussing it with the adoptive parents. Their hearts will be broken.

Answer 18

she will likely have to pay back any money and return anything they gave her.

this is going to be really painful for them, she should be ready for that

Answer 19

~sigh~

I'm calling troll on this one.    

Answer 20

First of all it is not legal for a birth mother to get "paid" for placing her child for adoption.  The only legal fees are medical, and housing while she is pregnant. You need to encourage your friend to tell the adoptive parents immediately.  It is not right, to keep them in the dark.  Eventually they will know she isn't pregnant, but how unfair that is to them.  A few people have answered- "that it is not their child yet"- however put yourself in the shoes of that couple, that for whatever reason cannot have children, they are expecting a baby now, not just carrying one. I think that your friend, needs to tell them NOW-

I could be a little less emotional and say she signed a contract, and broke it and did not tell the other party.   If this was a business deal there would be repercussions, however there a life here.- should be even more important.

Answer 21

I have to agree that this was her decision completely.

However, I hope she tells the other family right away.

This is a time to use your manners as well ,but not sharing your personal thoughts on abortion etc..

Abortion is one of those topics thats too heavy in social situations much less when a dear friend is suffering etc...

Answer 22

Everyone else has already said it a lot better than than I possibly could... but there's another fact that's being missed... Not only is it ILLEGAL to give a woman the morning after pill at 3 months, but it the chances of it actually working are made slimmer proportionally to the amount of time it's been since unprotected s*x.  So at 3 months, it probably wouldn't work... But COULD very likely cause damage to the fetus.

And that comment at the end... 'it's already the other couples baby.'  NO. NO IT IS NOT.

Basically what your friend should do is tell her lawyer she lost the baby.  He can be the mediator between her and the PAP's.  That way they know and she doesn't have to deal with other people's opinions on what she 'should' have done with her body.

Which, by the way, it IS her body.  Her baby, her body, her choice.  

Answer 23

I feel like she has got her self into something that she really did not think about first.yes she should be penitity for what she has done,because they are paying for all her care steel and they feel like they are grtting a baby.she needs to tell them aright away so they can get back into the adoptive of a other baby.

Answer 24

well they're going to find out. Its not like she WAS a surrogate. The fetus / child was hers, and she has a right to have an abortion if she wanted to.

Instead of worrying about them, go give your friend a hug, thats nothing easy to go through.  

Answer 25

well first id like to say that is terrible that she did that! and second i think if i were you i would find out who the "adoptive" parents are and go tell them yourself let them know that you just had to tell them becaus eshe was procrastinating it...or if you dont really want to do that you need to let your friend know that it is horrible what she is doing put your foot down as a friend and tell her she needs to let them know immediately! its very important she tells them  

Answer 26

The baby is NOT already the other couple's baby.  The baby was/is HER baby.

ETA.  There is another scenario to consider here.  Sometimes women who 'consider' adoption as one of their options change their minds (gasp) and actually decide they want to keep their baby (double gasp) and telling a tale like this is the only way to get the adopters and adoption agency off their backs to stop them harassing her.

Answer 27

It depends on what legal paperwork she has already signed. There could be ramifications if she signed anything.

Either way, she needs to tell them ASAP.  

Answer 28

I am so f*cking offended by this post Im shocked Im even answering this.  Im a birth mother. I carried MY baby to full term and kept him for 2 weeks then we did the adoption.  I had MY baby's adoptive parents picked out four months before I had the baby.  He was still MY baby and he still is.  Adoption is a hugely difficult process, and I understand that she wouldnt want to go through it. Although I dont support abortion, I still cant believe you would put "her" baby in quotations and doubt that it is HER baby. It is, she didnt do anything wrong. She should just tell them.  

Answer 29

Penalized for what, for taking her time trying to figure out a way to tell these people with malformed expectations. She probably hasn't told her A-parents because they will not support her decision. Thats the problem will pregnant teens and poor relationships with any parent.  

It was the Paps that were trying to buy her baby and manipulate her.

If anyone should be penalized its the attorney and the Paps.

ABORTION is legal. Its a females right whether or not someone else agrees with it. She made her decision so support her.

I find it odd that many are against abortion for "their" moral reasons but seem to find it quite easy to forget about "their" morals when it comes to the adoption process.