My friend doesn't know her real dad... Please read & help?!?

Question

My friend, who is 15 years old, lives with her mom, dad, and three younger siblings. Her parents told her that she has a different last name than everybody else in the family because she was born before the parents got married. So her last name is the odd one out. She knew it was weird because the father would've had to adopt her in order for him to be her legal guardian, but she's afraid to say anything because they are very strict. The "father figure" has never told her that he loved her, never kissed or hugged her, and hardly ever pays attention to her. She recently found letters in her attic from the Mom to the Dad saying, "Thank you so much for being there for ******. You are like her father in every way, except for the biological part." So we know it's true, she just won't say anything. She wants to wait until they say something to her. Opinions, please? Advice for her? Thank you for all answers!

Answer 1

This is something she should try to speak with her mother, privately, about. Its so sad that her siblings father has never shown her any warmth, so her first option is to find a moment when she and her mother can talk in private.

They obviously have issues with her being born before they married. I am assuming that that means her mother was unmarried when she gave birth. That can still be a huge stigma to those involved, even these days.

Your friend obviously feels "different" in that she's been treated differently all along - her parents may not realise that they are doing this.

If her mother won't sit down and talk it over, then perhaps your friend could write an "open letter" to her mother, expressing her sadness at the lack of affection she feels her "adoptive" father has for her and asking for some help in understanding the situation from the beginning. It will be difficult for her mother to do this, but morally she needs to help her daughter understand.

Legally, she probably doesn't have to explain anything until she's older and can go find her biological father for herself. However that's not something to be undertaken lightly and without trying sources close to home first!

Good luck with this very sensitive situation.

Answer 2

She can order a birth certificate and see what shows up on it. Adoptees are given amended birth certificates, its hard to tell sometimes that they are different, but look closely and she will know. No signatures are on mine. There is no weight at birth, no length, etc. No dr.'s signature. It wasn't filed until my adoption went through. If you look for it, it will be obvious if its true.

Ultimately she should tell them. Sit down, like a mature girl, and confront the situation. She has a right to know, its her ancestry, we have a right to ancestry as a human being.

Answer 3

tell her to look him up with out her parents knowing. or maybe not what if her mom left cuz he beat her? My mom left my dad when I was 6months old cuz he beat her then started on me. I was 6 months old! anyway. I did look him up and it was a big mistake he had a family and everyting. sick family they were too!

Answer 4

I also dnt no real dad but iv never bn that bothered rele, i think she should talk to her mother about it first when they are alone just say that nos about it. the mother should then help talk about it but it rele depends on how she feels about it herself.

Answer 5

I'm uncertain here by some of your statements as to whether or not she is actually legally adopted by this man.  If her name is different than his, then she more than likely was not adopted by him, so her birth certificate will have the name of whoever her mother said the father was at the time of the birth.  It may be her biological father's actual name, or it could just be blank under "father's name."  

As far as the father having to adopt her in order to be her legal guardian, this isn't true.  He does not have to legally adopt her in order to be a legal guardian.  Plenty of children have had non-familial legal guardians, but were never adopted by them.

I do think she is old enough at 15 to sit down and talk to her mother, in private and away from the house, about the issue.  This will make certain that they are not interrupted by other family members.  It will also put them in a "neutral" territory, which is usually more conducive to better communication.

Answer 6

she may wait forever. it doesn't seem like they want to talk about it. she is old enough that her parents should have told her by now.i suggest she talks to her mom one on one first. seems like the "dad" is the odd one out.

Answer 7

I have far to many questions to give a good answer, but here are a few comments. She should find a place and a time to talk with her mother only about her concerns.. What is wrong with the mother that she hasn't made an effort to clear up questions she should be aware your friend has to have ? I don't understand, were the three younger siblings born after the marriage of her mother and this man, or his from another marriage?  I can only guess right now as to what took place, but my heart goes out to her that she is faced with a problem no child should have. It sounds to me that this guy really doesn't know what it is to have a child that will be part of the marriage, even more of a problem if the siblings were also from his former marriage.

She needs a friend to help her through these bad times of trying to find answers, so support her in anyway you can

Answer 8

She is old enough to know the truth but.... it's up to her parents to tell her. Since it's between her and her mom I think she should have a talk with her and ask her to explain who's last name she does have, if it isn't her mom's maiden name then it has to someones name. I'm sure her Dad has her best interests at heart. Secrets are never good.