My friend is copying my wedding, same day, same church, everything. What do I do? ?

Question

I'm a recently married women this past July 4th, 2008. It was a wonderful wedding, so wonderful in fact that one of my best friends decided to set the date for her wedding on July 4th, 2009. Besides the date of her wedding, she is also getting married in the same church, having the rehearsal dinner at the same restaurant and having the same "smaller details" that we did. Example: we had large sparklers for the guests to enjoy, and so is she. All of the guests that attended my wedding, will also be at hers. To make matters worse, she had asked me to stand beside her as a bridesmaid. I do realize that we are not the only ones who can get married on this day, or will plan events that are similar to our wedding. My first question is, do you think this is tacky? Secondly, it is eating me up inside that she is using everything that was special and unique to my wedding and how do I approach her without sounding bad? And lastly, realizing that I will not be able to celebrate my first anniversary, would it be wrong to turn down her wedding invitation, or turn down the bridesmaid role?

Answer 1

I agree with the Pugmom and to add..Your friend (who is close enough to you that she asked you to be in her wedding) only gets married once. You will (hopefully) have many more wedding anniversaries to come.  

Answer 2

Hi and congratulations on your recent marriage!

I guess everyone's personality is different....but you know what?  That would NOT bother me in the least!  As a matter of fact, I would be VERY proud that someone liked what I thought of....chose, did, etc. so much that they are copying it.

Also...in your second sentence you categorize your friend as "one of my best friends."  So....take it as flattery!  

About her wedding....really, if she is "one of your best friends," I would feel honored to be in her wedding.  A date is a date, meaning, you and your husband can celebrate your first anniversary on the 5th instead....who cares?  My husband worked shift work for the first 18 years of our marriage....including weekends and holidays.  There were many anniversaries where I was home....alone!  So...we celebrated our anniversary the closest we could get to our date...AND when he was off.  Again, a date is simply a date.

I would definitely NOT turn down the invitation to the wedding.  Whether or not you want to be a bridesmaid is up to you.  But, if you turn down the invitation to attend the wedding...well, you just may lose a friend over that.

Answer 3

Wow, I'm surprised so many people are okay with this. Yes, it's your friend and you should be happy for her, but who in their right mind would plan a wedding on the same day as a CLOSE friend's? If this were just a friend, not a close one, then I'd be totally fine with it (well, maybe not about the copy cat stuff, but the date - whatever).

I DO think it's rude and tacky of her to do this, but you know what? The joke's on her. No, no one will forget the details of your day, as well as the major stuff (the day, the location, etc.). People will know what she's doing and secretly not like it.

As for you attending? I'd decline and spend your first anniversary with your husband. When she asks, just politely say, "I'm really happy for you guys, but as you know it's our first anniversary that day, and we've made plans together. Sorry."

I'm sure I'll be perceived as bitchy for this answer, but to me, this "friend" of yours is crazy to do that. Get your own wedding, you know? You'd think she want to, but to each their own.

Answer 4

First, evidently she thought so much of your wedding...that it was perfect...or she wouldn't be copying it, so that says a lot for how much she thinks of you.

I would ask your husband how he feels about going. If he is ok with going to the wedding, then celebrating your anniversary in the evening, then I say go for it! And...as being her bridesmaid...you can nicely, encourage her to do some things different...explaining to  her that it will make her day more special to her..guiding her off of  your course...?   And then you can not only enjoy being a part of your friends wedding, but also with the things that are still the same...being there with your husband, might rekindle some of the memories of your big day...spiking the romance for your anniversary!

Answer 5

I think you should decline as bridesmaid and enjoy your wedding anniversay. I'd be pretty annoyed at her but as hard as it is, I would let it go. If all your former guests are attending her wedding too, then she's the one who will look like a fool for copying you. Not the other way around. You don't need the aggravation.

Answer 6

Just be happy you did it first and watch people talk about how tacky it is they did the same thing.

or

be flattered your wedding was so smashing someone wants a carbon copy.

sounds like it was a h**l of  party! ;o)

or

drop a few catty "yeah that was a huge hit at our wedding too" and "oh yeah it was hot the first time, hope people are just as surprised the second time around".

your choice.

Answer 7

Well, Clearly She Has No Imagination What So Ever If She Copying Your Wedding Down To Almost Every Detail.

Yes, It Is Extremely Tack On Her Part. It's Actually Quite Rude Also.

Perhaps If Your With Her While She Is Talking Wedding Stuff, Suggest Other Things. Even If You Suggest Similar Things As What Was In Your Wedding But Slightly Change It. That Way She Is Not Copying You Entirely & Then She Will Have Her Own Things.

But I Wouldn't Worry Too Much. If You Have The Same Friends & Most People Who Came To Yours Will Be At Hers, They Will Clearly See She Copied You, They'll Know She Has No Imagination Of Her Own & Honestly, If I Went To A Wedding That Was Almost Identical To One I've Already Been To, I'd Get Quite Bored. Nothing Tops The 1st Wedding.

Good Luck.

Answer 8

How close are you to this friend?

I would try to calmly approach her about your feelings. Let her know why you feel the way you do. I would even ask her how she would feel if another one of your friends planned their wedding next year the same way. Tell her that while you're flattered that she had such a nice time at your wedding, there are certain things that are special to you and you would like to keep as just your wedding.

Whether or not you decline the invitation or bridesmaid role is entirely up to you.

Leave some room open for compromise. Give her some things that you don't mind that she keeps the same and some things you'd appreciate she not mimic. If she blows you off totally, then I'd say the friendship is likley damaged anyway and it'd be fine to skip out on the wedding..

Good luck.

Answer 9

I really don't think it's a bad thing.  Firstly, it's an obvious compliment to your wedding, second, I don't think having a wedding in the same church constitutes "copying" it, and third lots of people give out sparklers and use a fourth of July theme for wedding on July 4th, so I hardly think that all of your ideas were completely unique to begin with.

If she really is your BEST friend you should support her, the same way she probably supported you when you were planning your special day. Also, although it will be your 1st anniversary, it is your best friends wedding, so I think declining the invitation to attend and be in the bridal party would be very hurtful.  In a few years you may regret making such a mean-spirited decision over her wedding favour choice.

If your perspective is still messed-up about this whole thing, just think to yourself that any over-lapped guest will think that she copied you, and you can selfishly rejoice in that thought to yourself for the day.

This girl really doesn't sound like she is your very close friend though, not from what she is doing, but from your selfish response to it.  If my best friend was getting married anytime/place/way close to my wedding I would be nothing but ecstatic for her.

Answer 10

I understand how you might feel a bit distressed.  You did the heavy lifting in doing all the planning and it seems that she is just walking in and carrying away the show.

In reality, nobody or almost nobody will even notice the similarity.  Anyone who does notice will only have a fleeting thought of how nice your wedding was.

I know you think that the details of your wedding are what made it special.  Her using some of the same details don't make your wedding any less special.  The truly special part about your wedding is you and your new hubby.

As for being a bridesmaid, why not.  You can still celebrate your first anniversary. There is nothing magical about celebrating a birthday or anniversary or even Christmas on THE day.  Ask those who work shift work or who are in the military.  The celebration of the event is the key - the date of the celebration is not.  You just do it on a different day, or celebrate it with a bunch of people just just happen to also be celebrating your friend's marriage.

Answer 11

How is it possible that all the same people will be there?  Is she related by blood to you or your husband?  Is her fiance related to you or your husband?  I apologize if that's the case, but it sounds like a teensy bit of an exaggeration to say that all of the same guests will be there.

If she's a good friend to you, let it go.  Very few people will remember the similarity a year later, and if they do, so what?  It doesn't reflect poorly on you.  (And sorry, but I doubt that you are the first bride to hand out sparklers at a 4th of July wedding -- that seems like a pretty obvious choice).

As for your first anniversary, you can celebrate a day early or a day later.  Or at 12:01 that morning.  Using that as an excuse for backing out sounds pretextual.  Her wedding is once in your lifetimes.  You are going to have at least 40 more wedding anniversaries, and I guarantee you, life will intervene, and you won't get to celebrate all of them exactly on the right day.  It happens, and this won't be the first time.

Answer 12

daamn thats Fu**ed up!! i would be hella mad.. your wedding is supposed to be about you and its supposed to be the day YOU remember for the rest of your life and yes other ppl get married on the same day but you dont know them so it dont matter but you know her , wow.. i would cut her freakin dress up so she cant get married what a Bitc*! well.. 1st thats your anniversary so fuc* wha she thinks, she doesnt care enough to consider that. was your wedding day too and well your anniversary is more important than going back in time and seeing your wedding get played out again by her.  And maybe try suggesting other things that she will like.. like  the lil details she is copying you know give her diff ideas maybe she will like em..  if she doesnt get it then tell her aye why cant you do something original i mean real talk.. if she tries and do the same thing as you but hers goes bad then it only makes yours look better BUT if she does her waaay better than yours then she's gonna make your look bad,, i say... sabotage!!  

Answer 13

You can always look at it as flattery that you have such wonderful taste and awesome ideas that someone would want to emulate your wedding. Or look at it that she has not imagination of her own and pity her. People who attend both weddings will think she's a bit crazy, but that's okay. At least they won't think you are.

About my anniversary. Honestly? I'd skip her wedding and celebrate my anniversary with my husband. I would conveniently plan a vacation that few days, and not worry about her wedding. Your husband and your marriage are more important to you than hers is. Her lose!  

Answer 14

Honey, your wedding was over as of the end of the day of July 4, 2008.  What you have left of the day is a ring on your finger, a dress in a box, an album full of photos and a man by your side - plus a lot of memories.  No matter what happens, none of those things are lessened at all by actions taken by your friend.  Your memories will still be just as precious to you if she "copies" your wedding or not.  While you may wish that your details are "special" and "unique" really, they are only so to you.  To everyone else - they're ideas to use for themselves.

Anyone who attended your wedding and then goes to hers will know that her wedding is a knockoff version of the real thing, and anyone who didn't go to your wedding - well, who cares what they think?

This is supposedly one of your best friends.  You will (hopefully) have many anniversaries, and you can celebrate your first on July 5th.  She will (hopefully) only have one wedding day, and if you care for her enough to have her as your best friend you would be willing to stand in her wedding, even if it is a carbon copy of yours.  Heck, you can give her pointers on how to have "your" wedding!

Answer 15

Br gracious, and take it as a compliment - If you really HAVE to say something to her, try:  "You know I"m really flattered - You must have thought my wedding was so beautiful to choose so many of the same things - I'm glad we can share so much."  Smile.

Go to her wedding - ask if she wouldn't mind having the MC or someone "surprise" your husband by giving a Happy 1st Anniversary toast to you guys...

Answer 16

Honestly, it doesn't really matter because everyone that went to your wedding will realize that she copied you. They will all think that it's pathetic.

Answer 17

OK, I think some of you might be missing the BIG picture here.

1) the Wedding stealer as I will call her is obviously one of your GREAT friends because she asked you to be in her wedding

2) She has the SAME CHURCH

3) She has the SAME REHEARSAL DINNER LOCATION

4) She has the SAME DATE

5) She had to have known about your plans way before your wedding

Wow, is she moving to the same town as you after the wedding as well?   For me this is a tad bit WEIRD.  We all have dreamt of our wedding day and what it would be like since we were little girls. WHY in the world does this woman have to steal your dream. Doesn't she have her own ideas?? Has she been to enough weddings to not steal ALMOST EVERYTHING from yours???  Ok I get the whole "be flattered" thing but seriously, get your own life and make your own plans you have already put the work in on yours.  Also since you recently got married, where her decisions to have it at these location RIGHT after you got married???? If so, WOW, I agree with someone earlier when they wrote LAZY!

As for your the answers to your questions:

How do you approach this: I think you just need to have a straight out heart to heart with her and tell her your feelings. If she is a true friend (which I hope she is) then she will take into consideration your thoughts and feelings.  If anything, having that heart to heart will take a huge load off of your shoulders.

Be part of the wedding party or not:  Yes, of course you have to,  She is one of your great friends. Your wedding was probably special because she was there or in it and I am pretty sure that it will be special with you in hers.  There are certain reasons  that people are friends and remain friends for years and that is to communicate with one another to be there through the good times and bad (kinda like a marriage).  This is just a rough time that your friendship has to go through.  Good LUCK!!!  

Answer 18

You know what they say, "Imitation is the highest form of flattery."  If you are that selfish to not even go to her wedding just because it's the same day as your anniversary, then decline the invitation and refuse to be in her wedding.

Answer 19

Feel honored that she loved your wedding, if same guests

are attending they will see the resemblance and know

where all great ideas came from!

If it is upsetting you so bad, say something to her

but don't be mad.

Answer 20

well i wdnt accept for the fact that its your 1st anniversary and as far as tacky its more like lazy that she cant come up with her own unique ideas 4 her wedding Id confront her

Answer 21

Honestly, I dont see the problem here.  I mean I would be flattered that she enjoyed your wedding so much she wants to make the details similar.  and if anything, shes the one who will look bad for having the same wedding details as you a year after the fact (if people even notice that is)  I mean what does it matter if she does things the same?  I'm sure everything you think that was unique and special to your wedding day was done by someone, somewhere at some point in time and will be done again.  Your wedding is special to you because of who you married, not because you had sparklers and a certain church.  those are minor, insignificant details that made up a very important day.  as for attending the wedding...of course you should go.  Yes it is your anniversary, but you can celebrate together the day before or the day after or something.  my husband and I rarely celebrate our anniversary on the actual day.  we usually pick the weekend before or the weekend after or whatever day is convenient for us to do something.  as for being in the wedding, thats up to you.  was she in yur wedding?  if so I think you kind of owe it to her to be there for her on her wedding day, but if not then its ok to decline and tell her while you appreciate her asking you, you just arent sure you can fully committ right now to being in her wedding (you are still newly weds and adjusting and such) and tell her you would love to attend as a guest.