My friend is marrying a guy I don't trust?

Question

My friend is getting married in December to a guy that I (and none of her friends) trust. He has isolated her from all of her family and friends by causing arguments (but manipulating the situation to her to make it seem as though the other people are at fault). He has even threatened to "get" 2 different guys for talking to his fiance (even though they are just friends and both guys are in relationships- one is even engaged). I know of at least 4 other people (plus myself) who have talked to her about their concerns with him wanting to control her but these talks haven't gone down very well. I'm very concerned for her as he controls all the decisions in the relationship and her whole life revolves around him.

I'm not really sure what to do as I don't think she'll listen to me after our last chat went so badly (she told him that I was concerned and he's tried to turn her against me). Should I just butt out or what should I do?

Thanks for any advice!

Answer 1

Keep in touch with her, and keep your distance. Try not to talk about him during conversations. (Obviously this won't work well now with the wedding, but later.) Do not talk about what a cretin he is or how much of a jerk he is. Keep focused on her. Keep conversations positive. Pretend that you are happy for her.

All of the things you are describing point to a very abusive guy (the first step is to distance the woman from family and friends, and isolate her). I would not be surprised if he starts beating her after they are married.

Try to make sure that she knows you will be there for her (when she needs to get out). Make sure there is always some type of communication, and try to keep a lunch date with her or something at least once a month after she is married. If she stops communicating with any of you, show up at her house. If she starts showing bruises or anything, call the police for her. She will hate you for a while, but most states take it out of the woman's hand and press charges regardless of whether she wants to or not.

Hopefully it won't come to all that, but all signs are heading that way right now.

Answer 2

At this point, it doesn't sound like anyone is going to get through to her. It's unfornate that there isn't much you can do - but I doubt she will listen to you or anyone else because of the way that the fiance has manipulated the situation. It's pretty scary because that controlling behavior is usally signs that he is abusive...but, who knows what is going on for sure. Even if he was abusive I doubt she would admit it at this point.

The best thing that I can suggest is to just try to be there to support her. Don't say anything else about the fiance. This way you can still be a part of her life and make sure that she is okay. The last thing you want is for you and everyone else to be completely pushed out of her life. So, even though this may be killing you inside, just try to be there for your friend. From the way that you are describing the situation it sounds like she will need a lot of support.

Good luck

Answer 3

It sounds like she is in an abusive relationship or one that is heading that way. EVen if he isn't hitting her, if he is really doing everything you think he is she will end up hurt. If he is threatening people he may be a danger to her and others, so be careful. There isn't much you can do about it except be supportive. Most women need to realize these thing son there own, and you can only hope she has the strength for it. DOn't push her too hard or you will just help him convince her its them versus the world and that you are bad for her. Make sure she knows there is a safe place for her to go at all times, and use your judgment to find the balance between pushing her away and keeping her safe.

Answer 4

I just watched my never-married friend marry a 3-time divorcee old enough to be her grandfather in some cultures.  Nothing you can do about it but be there for her when she needs you.  

Answer 5

I Know Exactly What You Mean.

My Ex-Best Friend Started Dating A Guy Last Year Who Looked Pretty Shady. He Wouldn't Accept Me Or My Fiance As Her Friends, He Was Always Walking Away & Pulling Her With Him When She Was Talking To Us.

One Night We Went Out & My Fiance Forgot His ID & He Just Goes "Too Bad", Grabs My Friend & Goes Into The Club Leaving Us Out The Front With No Way To Get Home. Also, Another Night My Friend Asked To See My New Tattoo & Out In The Open He Says "Girls Who Have Tattoos Are Cheap" Right In Front Of My Fiance & I.

She Came To Me So Many Times About Him. One Time She Lost Her Job & He Didn't Care, He Was Treating Her Like S**t In Front Of His Friends & One Night He Threw Her Against A Wall.

I Suggested She Look At Her Relationship & If She Really Wanted It...

& She Did, I Ended Up Losing Her As Friend Because Of Him.

I Was Upset Back Then, But I Figured If She Wants To Ditch Her Friends & Make Her Life Miserable With Him & Lose Her Friends Because Of Him, Maybe It's For Her Own Good.

Tell Your Friend That You Really Worry About Her With Him. Say That As Much As You Love Her & Want Her To Be Happy & You Don't Think It's With A Guy Who Turns You Against Your Friends.

Tell Her Even Though She Is Marrying Him Anyway, You'd Still Really Like To Be Her Friend, But You Don't Want Anything To Do With Him.

Hope Yours Works Out.

Sorry This Was So Long.

Answer 6

Well, he doesn't sound like prince charming but your also not the one who has to trust him...she does! Don't make it worse for her by trying to get in the way. If she's making a mistake, she'll work it out eventually. All you can do is call her every now and then to see if she's ok (without making it obvious) and let her know that your always there for her.

Answer 7

Your friend is in an abusive relationship. He may not be physically harming her yet, but that will likely come. He is definitely emotionally and mentally abusing her.

Unfortunately, she refuses to see it and because of his manipulation, she sees any realistic view of this "love" she has as people who are jealous of her, people who have no idea and people that her man has warned her against.

For whatever reason -- low self-esteem, a need to let someone else take control, an upbringing that gave her the sense that men lead and women follow -- she has chosen to be in this relationship.

The best thing you can do is sit her down and tell her this:

"I know I've made my issues with your relationship known in the past, but as we go forward in the future, I want you to know that I'm letting go of all that. I only want what's best for you and to continue to be your friend. So, if you love this man and want to marry him, I understand (notice you don't say respect that or accept that or agree with it). I will always be your friend and I will always be here for you. So, just keep that in mind and know that it applies forever."

Because one day she may realize that this guy is a control freak and she needs to get out. But, by then he will have completely isolated her. So, she needs to know going in, while part of her is still out of his control, that she can always call on you.

Good luck. It's a really hard thing to see. I hope she sees the light soon and before he starts getting physically violent with her.