My future in-laws are spreading rumors that I'm pregnant. What do I do?

Question

My fiancé and I met online (through a common-interest forum, not a dating site), and though he lived on the west coast and me on the east coast, we kept our long distance relationship going for 3 years (with frequent week-long visits).

When he proposed, I agreed on the condition that he move here. I was not willing to take our relationship any further until I was sure we could be together.

Recently, he made the move from California to my hometown in Georgia, and shortly after announced that he would be asking me to marry him to his family.

Since he moved here, I've felt like his family has resented me for taking away their pride and joy. And while his parents have always been very gracious and kind to me, his extended family (with whom he is very, very close with) has been quite cold. They've said very hateful things about me and I've had the unfortunate opportunity to overhear these things more times than I care to remember (though they don't know). I've always taken it in stride, realizing that it must be hard to be away from your loved one. To his credit, my fiancé has tried his best to shield me from these awful comments and has lectured his family on their hurtful speech--but this has done nothing to stop them.

After our engagement, my fiancé sent out pictures to all his family along with a thoughtful note about our love and his proposal. Unbeknownst to his family (I suppose), I was included in on this email which became a party line of sorts. All of his relatives responded and conversed with one another--each response being sent to everyone on the list. Comments ranged from "she looks pregnant in that photo" to "the only reason he'd ever move there would be because she's pregnant." and many other hurtful things that my pride will not allow me to repeat. And for the record--I'm not pregnant.

How should I handle this?

Should I respond to them? Should I ignore them? Should I make my fiancé speak with them (though this has been very ineffective)?

I really don't want to burn any bridges or keep them out of our lives, but I can't help but feel hurt by these comments. Is this some kind of strange hazing/initiation practice among in-laws?

What is the most gracious and tactful way to deal with this assault on my character?

Answer 1

While I'm sure you find this hurtful, best to say nothing. Time will prove the wrong and you will have done nothing  for them to criticize about your response/

Answer 2

I would think that your fiance would be as offended as you.  Seeing as how they're belittling him, saying the only reason he'd move to be with you is because you're pregnant.  I mean, what does that say about him?

I would write a mass letter together.  Give them the absolute truth, that you know what they're saying, that it hurts both you and him that they can't share in your happiness.  And obviously that there's no little one on the way... yet.  I might make a joke about the picture as well, saying that maybe next time you'll wear something more slimming, or something like that.

I haven't had the exact same trouble, but similar trouble with my soon to be (evil) step mother in law.  She's never said a nice thing to me, and I didn't move her son across state lines... yet, LOL.  I wish I could tell you there's some magic formula to make things all better with the in laws, but I haven't found the answer yet either.

I hope all works out for you, and I wish I had better advice!  

Answer 3

Wow, how discouraging.

I hate to say this but if he already confronted them and they did'nt respond, its going to be tough.

Where will the two of you live when you are married? Are you planning on going to California or staying in Georgia?

You must as every southern woman knows rise above this silliness.

Try and realize that since they do not even know you they cannot approve or disapprove of you. You feel hurt because you feel rejected.

But you haven't been rejected because they do not know you yet.

I think he has done alot by moving to Georgia to find out if you two are compatble. Thats what you need to focus on. Are you compatible?

Do not focus on the famly yet. Focus on his response to your request.

It is not a hazing because according to your question, they are not aware you know about their concerns.

Talk it over with your fiancee, tell him how you feel, tell him it  is really really important to you for him to set things straight with his family.

Tell him if you are not comfortable with his resolution to this you do not feel comfortable going forward in the relationship. Continue to focus on his reponse to your request.

I am not sure why you think they are attacking your character. If you are living together it is not unheard of that you could possibly become pregnant. Are you thinking that they might believe you are carrying another mans child?

If that is your concern, this needs to be straightened out now. It is disrespectful of them. Once again, focus on your fiancee's response to your concerns and your request that he interviene in your behalf.

You wanted to know if you could live together.You need to know how he treats your concerns.You need to know if he respects your feelings enough to listen to you and do whatever he can to stop whatever is causing you unhappiness. If this doesn't stop I think it should be a deal breaker. This is just the beginning. If it is going this badly this soon it  is probably going to get worse. If you had gone to California and lived with him it would have been worse because you would have been surrounded by these toxic people.

They are rude and disrespectful people. They are his people. My brothers would not ever speak to me again if I treated there wives this way. Tell him no go if he doesn't get them to stop being disrespectful and rude.

Good luck.

Answer 4

I can understand how you feel, and you might not like my suggestion. Since they seem to be spreading these rumors via the internet, then "catch them" at their own game. I would make a new email address so they still won't recognize your original address that he included. (It will keep you from being left out of future communication if they don't know which address is yours.) You are going to "reply" to this round-robin email that has been circulating.

With the new address, I would write a note and mass mail it to everyone on the original list. I would write them a "sweet" note that says something like:

Dear Family,

Just wanted to set the record straight that I'm actually not pregnant and thought you would be happy to be notified of the information. Looking forward to seeing all of you at the wedding.

Respectfully,

(sign your name)

They will have a massive coronary and you haven't done anything ugly.  

Answer 5

I totally understand when it comes to crazy in laws, except my case is a little opposite. His extended family is great, it's his dad and step mother that are evil. You definitely need to talk to your fiance about this issue, and in my opinion HE needs to be the one to say something. They obviously aren't going to listen to you, considering for whatever reason they have an issue with you. They probably want to get a reaction out of you, which will just give them more of a reason not to like you. This is why your fiance needs to do it. He needs to be firm about it also. It sucks, I know! Even though they're saying these awful hurtful things, at the end of the day they're still your future husbands family. Having said that, if hes going to marry you he needs to realize YOU are his family now, and that you are number one. Have him talk to them, and if they keep it up, I think you and your fiance just need to keep your distance. If they love him as much as they say, they should accept you and do what will keep him happy. Good luck!

Answer 6

You are lucky that it worked out meeting someone online.  That is great.  I met my husband through a personal ad.  We are going to be married 15 years in May.  It sounds like his family is really hurt by his moving so far away.  They probably feel like you took him away from them.  But he is all grown up and has his own life and they have to respect that.  I know it was hard for my mother in law when I married her son because he lived at home until we were married.  She acted like it was a competition between me and her.  My hunch is this.  They figure that if they are mean long enough and it really gets to you that you will break up with your guy and then he will move back to California.  I wouldn't say anything to them.  I wouldn't waste your breathe.  Tell your fiance how you feel and let him handle it.  If he truly loves you then he will stick up for you.

Answer 7

If someone comes out and asks you, tell them you are not pregnant. Otherwise, just ignore them - they are immature and not worth your time. It will be obvious that they are lying once nine months have passed and there isn't a baby.

Answer 8

YOU shouldn't have to respond to them in any way shape or form!  HE should be the one to put these rumors to rest.  If he will not or can not stop them, prepare yourself for the future.  They seem to be a gossiping bunch.  Just know that the only person who matters is you.  What you know and what you have.  If they want to be nasty biddies, then you know way ahead of time not to share secrets, news or information with them.  With my hubby's extended family, I keep it civil, I keep it casual, but I never go in depth!

Answer 9

Wow. This sounds awful.

Honestly, I would be very upset and I think that I would have my fiance email all of them ccing you letting them know that you were included on the emails accidentally, that their behavior was reprehensible, and that if they want to be in his life, then they have to accept you.

Oh, and he should add, for the record that you are not pregnant.

Answer 10

It will soon be  very obvious that you aren't  pregnant, then they will be the ones with egg on their faces. The only ones you have to stay in the good  books with are his parents. Plan  your  beautiful wedding  and try not to let them get to you.

Answer 11

Talk to him first.  He should be the one to confront them since its his family.  He can simply send out any email to everyone in questions and let them know the real reason he made such a move and no, you are not pregnant.  And that he would truly hope his family would be willing to come directly to him then speculate about such things.  

Answer 12

Simply be straightforward and honest.  "No, I'm not pregnant." and then maybe you can say something to the effect of "Perhaps we should have chosen a different photo where I don't look pregnant".  Or jokingly you could say "Where I don't look fat".  That will probably shut them up. :)  Good luck.  

Answer 13

Your fiance needs to put his foot down and stop this or his family will always walk all over you. He needs to make an ultimatium, the insults need to stop and they need to apologize formally or he his cutting ties with them. Then he has to stick with it. It's like punishing a child. If you keep making empty threats and not following through nothing will  come of it. There has to be follow through. You have to come before them. If you don't the relationship is doomed.