My girlfriend got pissed at me for parenting her child?

Question

So let me start off by saying I love her and she knows I plan on asking her to marry me but I want a ring before I ask her and can't afford one right now. Her kid is 9 and is a little brat that will cry until he gets his way. like the other day we told him we MIGHT go to the beach when things came up and we couldn't he cried for an hour until we took him day let we drove by a toys r us and cryed for an hour and a half because we didn't take him. That's just to give you a few examples of the way he is. so the other night we were on the way home we stopped and picked up some wort remover stuff for him. After getting it and we were almost home she started silently crying. I knew why it's because i'm leaving for 2 months to start my new job and she doesn't know what she'll do without me. When all of a sudden the kid started in on I want my wort removed tonight can we do it tonight. She said tomorrow and he kept saying I want it tonight until she said I will look at it and MAYBE tonight and he responded with good cuz I want the gone tonight. knowing she was only saying that to shut him up I turned around and said " you know your mother said you MIGHT do it not that you will do it. It's almost your bed time and if ... before I could finish saying if she doesn't do it I don't want you complaining saying she told you should would do it wehn she didn't. before I could finish he says well she said maybe she will do it. then she turns in and says stop arguing which we got in a big fight about later and she said that if she ever needs me to parent her child she'll be the first to tell me. Did I do something wrong? she said I was yelling at him which I wasn't and there was no reason to yell at him so why would of I? she says I was but I had no reason to so why would I? I wasn't it make no sense to me. Either way we got in this huge fight over me trying to help her. Help her was all I was trying to do any advice is this going to happen when were married she's already said she'd say yes if I ask her to marry me which I plan to

Answer 1

You may not have seen a reason to yell at him, but I sure would have. That kid is a spoiled little brat. At 9 years old the tantrums should have stopped but they haven't. This is a red flag. You may not be the kids father but if/when you get married you become part of the family. I don't know how long you've been dating (i'm assuming longer than a year since your considering marriage)but if you guys are considering marriage then you ARE an authority figure for this child whether you are his father or not. The two of you need to have a talk, because you are already potentially a big influence to this kid and kids need consistency. What's going to happen if heaven forbid she has to go away for the weekend for a business trip? or family emergency? or just a girls weekend with friends? and she leaves you with the kid, sounds like the kid will NOT respect you and she certainly set that example up. Looks like that 9-year-old little boy has all the power in that family. Talk to her.

Answer 2

It sounds like you two were in a stressful situation due to your separation coming up the next day and her son starting to go on about the wart remover just triggered an eruption. That happens. Arguments are often not really about what's being shouted, but rather about underlying stuff. In this case, maybe it was about why you're leaving her for two months.

I note that you refer constantly through the question to "the kid". You also state clearly that, in your opinion, he's a whiny little brat. That indicates a serious lack of respect for the child and also implies very clearly that you think his mother has done a poor job raising him.

From what you say about his behaviour, I find it understandable that you get annoyed with him, but it seems to me that you have to accept that "the kid" and his mother are a package: you can either accept both or walk away from both.

If I was the child and I was getting the messages you are giving off - and don't assume for an instant that he's not fully aware of how little you like and respect him - I would be pretty desperate to see you disappear and things go back to how they were when it was just him and his mother. Particularly if, as you suggest, she's willing to let herself be manipulated by him.

If I was the woman, I would be thinking very hard about what sort of father you are going to be to her child when you really don't like him much at all. You may detest "the kid", but she carried him in her belly, gave birth to him and has watched over and cared for him all his life. A decent mother would think very carefully about making any sort of long-term, legal commitment to a man who she suspects might pose any sort of threat to the relationship she has with her son.

You should tread very carefully here, for your sake, for the woman's sake and for the sake of the child.

You are only the woman's boyfriend and you do not have any right to discipline or even to express any sort of an opinion about "the kid's" behaviour now. But if you do indeed want to marry the woman and become a step-father to "the kid", you and she must decide long before you take vows the ground rules for your relationship with him and how you and she will deal with issues like you disagreeing about how the child should be dealt with in a particular circumstance and how you deal with him challenging one or both of you. Step-families can be very difficult and I would suggest you and she should seriously consider seeking counselling on this issue as part of your preparations for marriage.

Answer 3

You said "her child" - not "our child" that's all you needed to say - no explanation needed.

You're not the father of the child. It's "her" child. That's why, and it never changes so keep that in mind.

Answer 4

At 9 years old, that kid should be a lot further advanced than that. If it continues, he will be in full rebellion before you know it. Does his mother understand any of this? Does she want to be spending the next several years with him getting kicked out of one school after another, ostracized by other kids, and forced to move or drive longer into other school districts to find other schools for him to attend? How about when he finally gets old enough to start hooking up with the local criminal element? How much time and money does she want to spend bailing him out?

You and your GF need to have a long talk about what parenting really entails (teaching, discipline) and what it doesn't entail (spoiling the brat). Explain to her that she cannot be her kid's best friend... at best only his "best ally"... but mainly the "parent" meaning that she has to teach the kid everything he will need to know to be able to get along in the world. Throwing crying hissy-fits isn't one of them.

You and the GF really need to have an understanding that you will not tolerate your household being run by a brat enabled by his mother. Inform her that when you get back 2 months from now, you will expect to see some changes in his behavior and how she approaches parenting.

Get ready to move on and find another girl.

Answer 5

You're experiencing the rejection of the child to someone other than his mom who is his authority figure. You will have a tough road to hoe if you let the child tell you what is going to happen. He sounds like his mom has let him dictate to her how to behave to the point that she has given in or given up even trying to correct his behavior.

She had him and she wants to be the one to correct him. She may love you but she is his mother and she may resent you trying to correct her child. You both need to discuss this before you get married because it won't go away once you get married. If you become the step parent will she allow you to correct him or will she correct you in front of him? The child is only a child, but he is watching to see if you have any authority. If she allows you to have any authority over her child he will learn to listen to what you say. If not he will learn that you don't have any more say so than he does, and he may challenge what little authority you do have.  Get it straightened out before the wedding or you'll be sorry later.

Answer 6

dude u really want to marry her when she gets mad so esily shes gonna snatch your balls and put them on a necklace you could apologize or you can say "im with you even tho you have a son so the least you could do is have some respect for me and ill do the same" and if she gets mad again say bye bye ***** i would