My grandfather passed away, but I'm not grieving! Is there something wrong with me?

Question

I dont know why I'm sharing this online, but I want to get some opinions about what's going on with me.

I was born in another country, but moved to the States when I was 7 years old. I dont remember much or know how close I was with my grandfather (father's dad). I just came back to my country with my father for the first time in 2006 after being in the States for over 13 years.

When I was there, I would lay near my grandfather's bed everyday. He rarely gets up. He always lay down because at that time, he was 88 years old, and his vision was weak. I did not speak much to time because I was not familiar with my language that much but I did talk to him.

I left a month later and my father and I have been pushing to go back the next time because we knew my grandfather's time was near. However, we didnt think it would be that soon because when we were there in 2006, he was still able to walk around the house and whatnot.

However, do to work, school etc., we could not make it.

Now, 2 days ago, I just found out my grandfather passed away. He was 90 years old. He was sick since january and hasnt stopped being sick. It got worse about a month ago and GOD decided to take him away.

The only person that lives in the house is my grandfather and my aunt (father's sister). And now she is all alone.

The weird thing is my grandmother (father's mother) passed away on the SAME DAY 10 + years before he did. What do you guys think about this day? Do you think GOD intended for it to be this way so he can finally be with his wife? So they can live eternally in bliss and harmony?

When I found out 2 days ago he passed away, I was angry, sad, and stressed. But I was not crying. I think about him but I'm not grieving like most people do when they loose someone. My father is more sadden and more stressed out, but I dont see him crying neither.

Do you think it may have to do with the fact that I was never really closed to him? Am I just unemotionally and selfish?

All my life, I've only attended one funeral, and I am not sure if that person was a blood relative. I dont remember being that sad neither.

Now, we or my father STILL cannot go back to my country for my father's funeral due to finances.

Can someone share some enlightenment and help me help myself?

Sorry for the long story.

Thanks for those who respond!

Answer 1

Normal I would say.  You didn't know him all that well.  You are more sad for your dad?  Sometimes the sadness comes later, even when that person is really close, like a spouse or parent.  You just go on autopilot until everything is done, all the company leaves, and its just you.  Then you can come apart.  I know I kept thinking with my dad to just breath, put one foot in front of the other, count the flowers in the vases, anything, anything but don't fall apart.  Someone had to be the strong one of the family.  Business first, grieve later.    

Answer 2

Don't worry. It's not selfish at all to not be crying.

My grandfather recently passed away. I was really close to him and I loved him so much. However when he passed away I oddly wasn't crying much. I sort of felt guilty for not crying and feeling more upset. Then I realized everyone grieves differently. Don't worry just hang in there. Don't force yourself to cry. I'm sure you loved him and that's all that matters. Just deal with the loss in your own way and if it kicks in more talk to your parents or something about how you feel.

Answer 3

nothing's wrong with you. everyone's differrent. when my great-grandmother passed away i was only like 4 or 5 but i remember i wasnt even sad though i saw her often.

Answer 4

when my grandfather died, my cousin Hailey couldn't cry. People grieve in their own ways. Maybe because you haven't seen him in a few years, you couldn't bring your mind to shed some tears. Sorry on the short answer, but that's all I can think of.

may your grandpa rest in peace.

xoxo,

gossipgirl

Answer 5

Well, for the first part of the question, I'm not religious, but I do like to think that the Powers That Be (whether you think of them as God, Allah, or anybody else) do have a plan. So if it comforts you, then yes, there is a plan out there for everyone and they are in eternal bliss and harmony.

My grandfather died 3 years ago, when I was nine, and I didn't shed a tear even though I felt saddened, so I don't think it's being unemotional or selfish. You felt grief, and sadness, but some people express it differently than others (I being 9 at the time may have felt differently than an adult, but there are varied ways to express things). Just because you aren't crying doesn't mean you're not sad, so why should that mean you're not grieving "correctly".

The media has typified grief over a family member as being emotional and sobbing, but it's not always that way. So I don't think anything's wrong with you.

I would like to express my condolences over your grandfather's death, and I wish you the best. :)

Answer 6

People have different ways that they grieve for the passing of one of their loved ones. They don't necessarily have to cry to show remorse. My only guess that you might be surer than most that God is real based on the timing of the death of your grandparents, and you know that they are both in Heaven so you feel that they are in a better place.

Answer 7

Everyone has their own way of dealing with death, and in your situation I think it's normal.  It sounds like you never really knew your grandfather except in an abstract way "this old man is my grandfather".  You don't have precious memories of him teaching you things or having great discussions and it also sounds like you really haven't learned all that much about your grandfather's deeds and history for you to feel emotionally attached to him.

I think that this would be a great time for you to learn more about your grandfather so that you know more about him and what his life was like - where he grew up, what he did, all kinds of details - whatever you can learn from your family.  Maybe then you will be able to relate better to this loss.  I'm sure that there's a lot about your grandfather that is worth knowing, but until something like this happens, often people don't even think to mention these details.

I'm not superstitious so I don't think that the exact same date for death of someone else in the family 10 years earlier is significant.

Answer 8

Sometimes it takes time to grieve. The initial shock of someone passing can make you kind of numb. You may feel differently after you have a chance to digest it. Or it may not affect you at all, since you were not close to him. The emotions you felt a few days ago may be the only reaction you will have.  

Answer 9

no, its okay! i resently had the same thinng happen to me, and i strongly think it is because i wasnt close to him. dont worry, your not selfish!

Answer 10

I am sorry for your loss, and I do think you are grieving. You are just not crying. There is a difference. You too the time to write a beautiful note about him and how you are feeling, and I suspect that this is part of your grieving process. People grieve in different ways, and there is no right way. I want to thank you for sharing your story while you were thinking about your grandfather. You seem to have great passion, and you expressed it in your note. Don't worry about not crying, and simply honor the man in your thoughts and memories.

Answer 11

That is a perfectly normal reaction not to grieve , there is nothing wrong with you. Everyone grieves in there own way.

Answer 12

i dont think your selfish but my granfather died january 11 and i still cry but i try not to cuz i know he wouldnt want that and u probably dont cry cuz you know hes happy now

Answer 13

sometimes it just takes awhile before the death kicks in. and when u were angry sad and stressed maybe that was ur own way of grieving  

Answer 14

no.

thats happened to me before.

my grandmother passed away, but i couldnt cry.

even though she was the closest person to me.

my pasture explained to me that sometimes your just too sad to cry.

and you know theyre somewhere better.

you know you have their love and they have yours.

its not that something is wrong,

but deep down you actually realize everything is okay.

Answer 15

"I was ***angry, ***sad, and stressed." You have experienced 2 of the stages of grief, at least in part, and only time will tell how many of the others you will go through. My standard post follows:

Go to http://www.mind.org.uk/ and type "grief" in the taskbar, and enter.                         Call: The Grief Recovery Institute (U.S.A.) 1-800-445-4808, or Hospice (phone book). Email [e-mail]  Chatrooms and forums: http://www.chatmag.com/topics/health/gri... and http://talkingminds.15.forumer.com/ and http://messageboards.ivillage.com/  Other websites: http://www.griefnet.org/ and http://www.helpguide.org/ (coping, supporting others, loss of relationship, or pet) andwww.mental-health-abc.com/ and www.boblivingstone.com/?q=node30 and www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/ Understand that there are often several stages of grief.

The stages are:

Denial: The initial stage: "It can't be happening."

***Anger: "Why ME? It's not fair?!" (either referring to God, oneself, or anybody perceived, rightly or wrongly, as "responsible")

Bargaining: "Just let me live to see my son graduate."

***Depression: "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"

Acceptance: "It's going to be OK."

Kübler-Ross originally applied these stages to any form of catastrophic personal loss (job, income, freedom). This also includes the death of a loved one and divorce. Kübler-Ross also claimed these steps do not necessarily come in order, nor are they all experienced by all patients, though she stated a person will always experience at least two.

See amazon.com/  for books on the various stages. After a while, consider making a photoalbum/scrapbook and/or a shrine, in remembrance, and set aside one day per month on which to reflect. Many religious organisations offer counselling, or you may feel more comfortable with a therapist, to express your thoughts, and feelings. Journalling may help in this. If there is depression: visit your doctor, and see depression treatments, at http://www.ezy-build.net.nz/~shaneris in section 2.

Suggested Resources on Grief and Mourning:  Beyond Grief: A guide for recovering from the death of a loved one; and: Men and grief: A guide for men surviving the death of a loved one, New Harbinger Productions Inc. 5674 Shattock Ave, Oakland, CA 94609 Phone: [phone]

James, J. W. & Friedman, R. (1998). The Grief Recovery Handbook, Collins.                                                                                                                                                                    Grollman, E. (1995). Living when a Loved One has Died, Beacon Press.

Livingstone, B. (Planned August, 2007). The Body-Mind-Soul Solution: Healing Emotional Pain through Exercise, Pegasus Books.

Simon, S, & Drantell, J. J. (1998). A Music I No Longer Heard: The Early Death of a Parent.        

            Livingstone, B. (2002). Redemption of the Shattered: A Teenager's Healing Journey through Sandtray Therapy, boblivingstone.com/  

Tatelbaum, J.  The Courage to Grieve. Creative Living, Recovery and Growth through Grief. New York: Harper & Row. (1980).

Roth, Deborah, ed. Stepping Stones to Grief Recovery. Santa Monica: IBS Press.(1987).  

Coping with Grief by Mal McKissock and Dianne McKissock, ABC Books & Audio. 2001

35 Ways to Help a Grieving Child, The Dougy Centre for Grieving Children, 1999, ISBN 189053403X

Answer 16

No, he is in a better place , Heaven.

Answer 17

Everyone grieves in their own way, and often we are angry before we become sad. You didn't know him very well, even though he was an important part of who you are.  You probably feel guilty for not going to see him again, and even for not crying when you found out he'd died.  There is nothing wrong with you - you might just be at the point of "numbness" that happens very often when we hear about the death of someone we know.

Answer 18

You are not alone. This has happend to me before. I honestly think you will begin crying as time goes by. Sometimes you need time to really recapture those amazing moments you spent with your grandfather. Right now you are thinking about so many things, that you don't even know how to  think, feel, or act. Give yourself some time to just breath and think.  

Answer 19

You are reacting perfectly normal, so please do not worry.  I have

been in the same position just recently and I can tell you why you

are feeling as you do.  You do not have a "history" with your grandfather, for instance if you lived nearby you would have developed a relationship with him, but since you lived in another

country your reaction is perfectly normal.  Just rest in the fact

that he is now no longer old and frail, he is happy and with his

wife, no more pain and worry.  Be Kind to yourself you deserve

it because you are a caring person and God loves you.

Answer 20

Hi, sweetie, my grandfather also passed away not too long ago, due to cancer.  I was close with him but when he died I just couldnt seem to cry.  I felt horrible that he was gone, but I felt even worse that I couldnt cry when my mom was practically crying a river.  I also felt like there was something wrong with me, but you need to understand that theres not.  In my case, his death didnt really hit me until a few months later, when I just broke down crying, but in your case, it might never really affect you like that because you were never that close with him.  It doesnt mean that you dont love him.  It doesnt mean that theres something wrong with you.  It means that your human and we all react differently to traumatic events that happen in our lives.  I hope I helped, and Im sorry for your loss!

Answer 21

everyone grieves different...there is no right or wrong...just go with the flow and you don't have to cry to make it a grieving process...you're not abnormal...you're perfectly normal....it is what it is....take care...my regards...

Answer 22

if you didnt know him as much it doesnt hurt as much.therefore,you didnt grieve as bad

Answer 23

One of three things could be going on.

You are in denial of his death. Sometimes when a person dies, they really cant accept the death.

You were not that close to him and it is not hurting you.

You realize he is in a better place and not suffering anymore, which makes you happy.

Answer 24

You lost me after the 10th paragraph.

Answer 25

first, my condolences to you and your family for the loss of your loved one.

there's no uniformity to grieving; it is as individual as people are.  you're neither unemotional or selfish. you said you were saddened, angry and stressed. those are parts of the grieving process.  although ill, your grandfather lived a full life.  i think the bible says 70 years; your grandfather passed at 88.  i like to say any year after 70 years old is living on borrowed time.  i lost my father and grandmother in the same year...one nearly 80 the other nearly 100.  try looking at the life he enjoyed, the time you got to spend with him.  life doesn't end....continue to enjoy yours. there's no time frame for grief. there's no formula or how to.

Answer 26

I think your emotions are normal.  You were not real close to him but he was your Grandfather.  Maybe you had already accepted that he was ill and lonely, and he did live a long life. I think your Father would have more feelings because he is his Father.  He has more of a connection to him because he raised him.  And about him passing on the same day your Grandmother did, that is extrodinary.  Sometimes when a husband or wife pass away in later years, it is very hard for the survivor.  May you and your family find comfort in knowing that both he and your Grandmother are complete now.  xox