My grandparents are so old. everyonez sick of them but my mom?

Question

its like this. my moms parents are 87 (grandma) and 97 (grandpa).. grandpa has severe alzheimers. grandma has always been a complaining, self centered, mean old lady diagnosed as a narcissist. mom lives abroad and i'm married and live near my uncles house. (mom's brothers house).. moms parents live at mom's brothers house now for the last 2 yrs. my mom expects me to go and meet them every week. i tried my best for the last 2 yrs. went to meet them every week or two. brought their favorite snacks, chips and biscuits for them. but lately for the last year or so, my uncles wife (who is definitely sick and tired of my grand parents) has become very bitchy with me. every time i go there, she says mean things about me. makes me feel like ****, calls me a liar etc. and i end up coming back home angry and upset for days to follow. more over, my granny has become so bitter and old that she doesn;t recognize me sometimes. treats me like a maid sometimes. says mean stuff. forgets that i came to meet her before and keeps complaining that i don't come to meet her enough. she never calls me or comes over to my place so my hubby is always saying when my uncle aunt and grand parents have only come to our home once in 4 yrs, why do we go to their place twice a month or more?? i've ran out of reasons. i'm sick and tired. i just meet them now for my moms sake. but whenever my mom calls my granny up, granny tells her i haven't been visiting her hence causing my mom to call me and yell at me. what should i do?? i dread going to my uncles home now?? sometimes i think i should pick my grandparents up on weekends and bring them over to spend the day but they are both very demanding and require so many comforts that my house lacks. :(

i feel like praying sometimes that God would just take them now. am i a bad person for thinking this way?

Answer 1

You're not a bad person, it's human nature to feel that way. It's good of you to visit your grandparents, I'm sure they would feel lonelier without you.

It's probably very hard on your uncle's wife living with her husbands old and disabled parents. Try letting her know you understand her difficulty and are there for her and want to be her friend. If that doesn't work, you could just say "I came to visit grandma, not you. I don't have to listen to this!".

About your mother: maybe you should work out a system, so that you would text her after every visit, or so that she would ask her brother and not just your granny about whether you came to visit.

Answer 2

I don't know how to help except to say your mum should get her **** home and sort out her parents. I understand about you thinking god should just take them. You are not an awful person for thinking that. I wish you luck

Answer 3

When people get old they forget and say thing that they think are true  but in fact are not. Others do not know what is real and what is not so the only thing you can do is just over look it no matter how hard it is. You know what is true, there is no use of making a big issue of it. I know how it is my mother gets confused sometime and says thing that are not right but after all she is nearly 104 years old. She does not do it on purpose it is by mistake. We just over look it and go on. Ever one will get old some day we hope any way and we hope that people will be kind enough to come and visit us when we do. Just think about that before you pass judjement on someone else. I hope this will help you in how you look at older people. Good Luck.

Answer 4

Bless you for all you're trying, but your aunt is probably so stressed, she can't see straight.  This is not an easy life for her.  Your grandparents can't be held responsible for their actions at this point in their lives.  There is so much more going on there that you don't see, and your aunt probably resents your naivety.  Don't show up to visit, show up to help and support.  Be proactive, or if you can't, take a break from going and tell your mother you've done all you can.

No, you're not a bad person.  Many people feel this way at one time or another.  It's hard on families.

Answer 5

PLEASE READ: your grandparents are showing signs of possible abuse, in late stage alzeimers they are slightly like children and wen they treat you horrible its likely that you uncles wife is under alot of strain caring for them, they need to put in a place that can properly care for them, your whole family is suffering through this and its not good for ur grandparents or you or your family. Please find another way, thye dont have long left in this world but it should be as comfortable and with as much dignity as possible

Answer 6

no mam u are not bad person to think such a way. This times comes in every body's life even mine one also what u have to do is

1)tell ur mom what is the situation like ur grandma's weak memory that she never remember u visited her.

2)be straight to ur uncles wife and tell her u are coming only to visit ur grand parents not her.

3)never do the mistake like take ur grand parents out of that house let them stay there.whatever is gonna be.

you also mentioned that ur grand parents are demanding and comforts so dont pick them.. let them stay there it is always good to face the insult by week instead of everyday.so go by week to meet them or tell ur mom every thing  

Answer 7

No, you're not. But remember that because your grandparents are getting so old, their brains are wearing down, and this includes the part that deals with appropriate behaviour. So it's not really THEM per se .... so I suggest that you TRY NOT to take it personally - but I realise that it's hard, especially when you're doing all you can and are still getting yelled for it.

Are they in sheltered housing? Are records kept of visitors to this housing? If so, the next time your mother calls to yell at you, calmly tell her that she should phone the shelter and find out exactly how often you have been visiting, as it's on record there, and very firmly put the phone down on her. She should by rights apologise to you but probably won't ....

I would also like to point out that the Uncle's wife is quite possibly getting the same treatment as you are. Please consider: she's there all the time, and presumably doing as much as she can, but still getting the raw deal, and you arrive with your treats and things, and for a few hours you're the hero of the moment, while she's there all the time and all she hears is how great you are .... so perhaps you could ask her to join you for a cup of coffee sometime? It's just a thought, you know ... old people don't realise their own behaviour anymore, and it's not personal. I think you have a common grievance, and you could suggest to her that you get together and discuss it, and perhaps find ways of dealing with it. There is such a thing as respite care, you know. Give both of you a break from the hard work and stress, but you should discuss it together.  

Answer 8

THey sound like my grad parents, and your not selfish at all... I don't know what kind of advice to give though, if u cut them off, you'll have to deal with your mother, and we all know what mothers can be like.

In my opinion, just see them once a every 6 weeks, that's plenty. They can't remember ur visits anyway, and sound like they love to complain (just like my pa and nana) If your mother gets up set, just gently let her know that you have a lot on you plate, and do feel guilty about not seeing them, but try your best. A lot of ppl say blood is thicker then water, but I don't believe in this saying (from alot of bad past experiences) Although they may be older then you, it does not mean that you areautomaticallyy their door mat.