My hubby thinks I should tell my mother about my search?

Question

I have decided to find my bio-parents. My husband wants me to tell my mother that I am searching. I really don't want to. I don't know if I'm even going to find anything. I don't know if it's going to hurt my parents feelings. I just don't know. I would much rather keep it to myself until I know that I have found her and know that I want to make contact with her. My husband has told me that if I do not tell my mother that he is going to. At this point I pretty much want to kick him in the face. It's stressful enough just making the decision to search and I don't need this on top of everything else. How can I make him understand that I don't want my mom to know right now?

Answer 1

I was adopted and opted to find my birth mother about 6 years ago.  Please be careful.  It doesn't always turn out for the best.  To tell or not to tell should be entirely up to you.  I was lucky enough to have parents that were secure enough to allow me to go on my journey.  I was very nervous to tell them, because I felt like I was somehow betraying them or they might think they were bad parents.  It was all in my head!  They were great about it and actually encouraged it.  I think these are feelings that only people like us can associate with.  Good luck my friend.  And keep a very open mind.

Answer 2

deciding to search is huge. and, it sounds like you don't have the support of your husband. i strongly encourage you to suspend your search and see if you can get your husband to support you. talk to him, at length, be honest and open.

i searched for my bioparents knowing that i had my parent's support. they had told me since i was a teen that it was okay with them to search once i turned 18. i found my bio-mother when i was 28. telling my parents was incredibly important and brought us closer together.

with that experience, i encourage you to search knowing how your parents feel about it. they don't need to know if you actually conduct a search, but you'll know how they feel while you're looking.

talk to them. bring it up in the 3rd person. tell them 'a story' about a woman you met who searched and ask them how they feel about it. be prepared for them to ask you if you are searching (if you've suspended your search you can answer honestly that you are not). if they don't want you to search, know that you will, without their blessing.

finally, this isn't about anybody but you. you are blessed with 2 set of parents and have the right to know about your history. because this is about you, you need to have support while you are doing this. if you can't get it from your husband, find other adoptees who are searching. it's an emotional rollarcoaster, and you need a solid team while on the ride. i wish you the very best.

Answer 3

why not?

Answer 4

This has to be something you are comfortable with.  Your search has nothing to do with your adoptive parents.  Searching doesn't mean that you don't love them or that they didn't love you.  Perhaps you can convince him of that?

When I started searching, I didn't want to tell my adoptive parents.  I knew that it had nothing to do with them or our relationship.  But I was still afraid that they wouldn't understand, that they wouldn't see it that way.  

I finally did tell them, less than a week before I found my natural mom.  I'm glad I did, but I still don't know how my adoptive dad has taken it.  (We don't talk about anything all that much.  We never have.  But we have a decent relationship anyway.)  And I know some adoptive parents don't always do well with it.  

This has to be your decision.  It is your relationship with your parents.  How you conduct it is ultimately your decision.  I would hope your husband would understand that.  If he is going to give you ultimatums...  Well, I don't know.  I would want to kick him, too.  That's no way to treat your spouse (the ultimatum, I mean).

It is a difficult decision to make, and he should be supportive of you.  Try to explain the stress it puts you under.  If he can't understand that, then he's simply not being fair to you.

Good luck with everything.  Searching, your husband, your parents...  everything.  I know it can be an emotional roller-coaster.  Hopefully, your husband can come around and be supportive of you.

Answer 5

Gosh, your husband's a jerk.

You don't have to tell nobody nuthin'.

Go for it RedPeach!

Answer 6

I think there is a forum run by the Benevolent Society for partners of adoptees, but I am not sure.

He needs to respect you, he needs to become educated on what this means.

You had no control when you were given up, no one should take control from you know.

I don't think he understands what a betrayal this would be to you.  

I suggest you give him books by B.J. Lifton for a point of reference.

Answer 7

This is one of THE biggest problems with adoption.

Every man and dog likes to tell us - the adoptee - what's best for us.

They've been doing it since the day we were relinquished from our mother's and then adopted by our adoptive parents.

We have two sets of parents.

Society doesn't GET this.

Usually our adoptive parents don't GET this.

That's often why so many adoptees wait until their 30's and 40's to search - because they finally feel strong enough to say - h**l yes - I want to know more!

I totally understand your need for holding information close to your chest for now - my a-mum told me from a very young age that she didn't want me to even talk about my first mother - let alone look for her - as it would 'hurt' her.

WTF.

People who aren't adopted are often the ones that say the most hurtful things - as they have no idea of the emotions involved.

If it helps - lead him towards some adoptee blogs to read - as there are so many out there that have feelings very similar to yours.

Sadly though - from experience - and from stories I've heard from adoptee friends - your husband will never truly understand what it feels like - but hopefully he can 'grow' some empathy - and at least try to put himself in your shoes.

Would he allow you to go behind his back and tell his family something that he wished to remain quiet??

Many adoptees end up not telling their a-parents about wanting to search - or even about finding their family of origin - as the grief to the adoptee is just sometimes so intense.

The pull-push-pull that goes on between parents - all wanting a piece of us.

And all we want - is just to find out who we are - and be loved back by all.

I wish you all the very best.

A great adoptee forum if you feel the need to vent -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

Some adoptee blogs -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

Answer 8

I think your husband is right. You should talk to them. Either way your adoptive parents are going to feel hurt and scared. But if you are honest and up front with them instead of doing it behind their back I think then they will see that they raised a pretty caring person and you never know they may have some details to help you in your search. Good luck..

Answer 9

I would want to kick him in the face too.

This is your search and your life.  I would hope your husband would respect that.  You deserve to know your past.

I would just explain to him how complicated and emotional a search is.  And tell him you need him on your side now and that this means respecting your wishes.  

If I ever search, I don't plan on telling my APs until after the fact also.  For me it's a matter of not letting their emotions about it over power mine.

Answer 10

You should try and reason with your husband. Tell him to look at it from your point of view with his own parents. If he were adopted would he want to tell his own parents, and if he found nothing would he want to put his parents through the wondering of why you are looking. When I was sixteen I decided to look for my birth parents, I told my mom what I was doing and she seemed to be ok with it. She is a diabetic and In the following weeks her health changed, she had reaction after reaction and the way she acted toward me was different. I quit looking and she got better. Now that I am older I realize how selfish she was, but I still think that had I waited until I found something, things would have been a lot different. It is only my opinion and everyone has one but I feel that you should wait until you find something out, and I hope that you do. Your husband should respect your wishes and either help you or keep quiet. I hope I have helped you. Good luck!!

Answer 11

gosh well he should not say a word it is your own private thoughts that he should listen to. yes, i can udnerstand why you dont' want to tell her its like you feel she maybe upset and not want to talk to you or she may think you dont' love her any more cause you want to search and you don't want her to be upset. i understand i went through the exact same things but i plugged on and found out mine. it wasn't all that great. first of all my bio mom died in 91 and it was much later that i found out and my dad i did get to talk to him over the phone couple times and he wrote several times. he was dying of cancer. mom was 63 and he was about the same age. he drank himself to death and actually so did she. she was diabetic and lost her leg and she said she was poor and stuff no relatives. she had another baby girl and left her with people at age 8 and walked away till she was 20 and then the girl wanted nothing to do with her and then she died. its unreal. heard she had alot of kids other then us. so know about 4 girls so far. its sad. but oh got off the track anyhow. its depending how old is she sit down and talk to her about it. she may not be happy but i believe you cant alk. i didn't talke to mine cause she and my adopted dad did not udnerstand they were from the old school and the adotpion was sealed and all. it was something else from what iheard. they didnt' like their newphew (my dad) he wasn't the best person and plus he had two other girls he didn't take car eof either. but i feel it would have helpe dif htey had told me stuff but actually i found out more then they knew. they didn't know their names where they lived and that blodo was not thicker then water. well i met my oldest sister and we friends  for 20 years and then one day she came back and told me we're done we didn't grow up together and shehad nothing in common with me like that out of the clear mean yes and i am done to this day take care.

Answer 12

Hmmm....  I'm tempted to kick him too, but perhaps there's another way.

I wonder what his problem is.  Why is he making himself into your problem?  Why is he trying to control you this way?

You need him to support YOU.  He's your husband.  Is he afraid of taking a backseat to your search?  What's his relationship with your amom?

Good luck and be kind to yourself along the way.

You don't know what you're going to find and how it will impact you.  You're an adult and can decide who to include in your search.

Answer 13

Poor hubby.  I think you should discuss it with your mother as she might be able to help too.  Just think, if you don't tell her and you do find her, your mother will feel so horrible and guilty cause she wasn't told and she is the one that saved you and bought you up.  In the end someone will be hurt or everybody will be happy.  It would be nice to find your biological mother to find out about hereditary and other family members.  

Leave hubby alone as he is only trying to help you cause if he doesn't he wouldn't say anything and discuss it with you.  You do not know how good he sounds.

Answer 14

Your husband needs to BUTT OUT. It is not his place to tell your mom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG, I'm just furious about this. Yes, I'd seriously want to kick my hubby in the face if he said/did such a thing.

This is your life, your decision, and it involves you and YOUR biological parents. You are an adult. It's got nothing to do with your adoptive parents, so it is totally, completely up to you what and whether you tell them.

Good luck with your search and, hopefully, eventual reunion. (((Hugs)))

Answer 15

I think you should tell your mom if your search is showing progress.

If you're just starting out and doing basic stuff, its none of your adoptive moms bussiness.

Answer 16

This is your issue, not your husbands!! When you are ready to tell your mother that you are searching for your b-mom, you will tell her. You need to sit down with your husband and explain to him that under no circumstances is he to tell your mother. You do not want a third party telling your mom that you are searching. If your adoptive mom loves you, she should support you in this quest. If you really think about without your b-mom bringing you into this world, you would of never met your adoptive mom. Whatever you decide to do, I think it will be best if you had a support group.

Answer 17

I think your parents have anticipated this since getting you -

and knowing one day this is possible. I would think he'd respect your wish, until you find your birth mother and decide how that goes - if he doesn't support you and goes to your mom - I'd try to tell her first.

I am sure he feels for your 'mom' and doesn't want her hurt too

but this is your life - he should respect you for it.

Good luck with everything. I hope you find what you are looking for and that it ends well - :)

Answer 18

My bio-parents gave me away when I was 2 days old.  If I ever made the decision to look for them I wouldn't tell my parents, it would hurt their feelings.  Just tell your husband that if you find anything that you agree to tell your parents otherwise you are not going tell them anything.

Make a deal with him!

Answer 19

This is your decision not his.  He needs to respect your wishes and keep his mouth shut.  My adoptive mother knew I wanted to search so it was not too hard to tell her that I was searching and that I found bio-mom.  If you do not wish your mom to know, then don't tell her.  If you do not find your bio-mom, then there would be no reason to mention it to your adoptive mom if you think she would not take it well.  I don't understand your husband's stand on this.  Why is it so important to him for your mom to know when you don't know if anything is even going to come of your search.  He needs to back off and let you tell your mom when you are comfortable with it.  You may never need to tell and he would have started drama (potentially hurtful) that was not needed.

Answer 20

Wow...that's really insensitive on your husband's part.  This is YOUR relationship with YOUR PARENTS.  While I appreciate his concern, it's really not his place to jump into the middle of things.

And I agree with you, that there's no point upsetting your parents, until you know for a fact that you've found someone you want to meet.  It would really only open up wounds that don't need to be opened yet.

Your husband really needs to back off and let you deal with this privately.

Answer 21

I have to agree with your husband.  I think that your parents would understand alot more if you were to be level with them and tell them the truth.  You may be suprised at their reaction because it is typical for an adopted child to want to meet the bioparents.  Just make sure that your parents know that you love them and even if you do find bio family it will not change that they are your parents.  I just know that if I was in your parents place I would feel hurt and like you were not happy with me if you hid it.

No I am not adopted but my husband grew up with one set of foster parents for 16 years, he met his bio mother and tried hiding it, his mom said it hurt her more that he hid it from her then him actually wanting to.

Answer 22

I think your husband should respect your decision to handle this your own way. Try to help him understand rather than kick him in the face though. You still have to live with him.

Answer 23

When I first decided to search for my bio-dad, I had to make the same desicion you do.  I didn't tell my mom, and we didn't speak for weeks.  Since then, our relationship has not been the same.  I wish that I would have talked and communicated with her more before I did it, because things might be a lot different than they are now.  Let her know that she is still your mom, no matter what, and that your dad is still your dad.  Please do not not tell your mom.  That will make things so much harder in the future.