My husband's ex has poisoned their kids' minds and is happy that the kids don't come to our house anymore!

Question

My husband and his ex got divorced 8 years ago and have 3 daughters ( 11, 12, 16). They haven't been very "friendly" with each other for the last 4 years and they both are very angry with each other. The girls are very spoiled and don't listen to their parents. My husband's ex felt guilty about the divorce and never disciplined the kids. My husband tried to put his foot down and explain to the kids that they have to be more respectful towards adults, but their mother views these attempts as " child abuse". Last year my husband told the girls that if they don't understand his words he is going to start spanking them. He didn't mean it, he just said it out of frustration. The girls immediately called their mother! She told my husband on the phone that she was going to have him thrown in jail for child abuse. She also said that my husband is capable of molesting his kids. After that day my husband is afraid to have the girls in his home ( we used to have them 3 days a week). We still go to all their concerts, sporting events, etc. The mother said that she is happy that the girls do not come to our house anymore because they are "terrified" of us. She moved to another town 3 months after she threatened my husband with jail ( her husband wanted to move to that town for years because it is closer to his work). The girls go to different school now, they left the town they lived in all their life, their friends, extended family, etc. We've been paying mortgage on the house my husband bought her after divorce. He bought that house for her because he wanted his daughters to live in the same school district ( the house is a 12 minute drive from us). So she is renting that house out and we are still paying mortgage. She bought another house and it is 45 minutes away. My husband and I are upset about this. We think that she brainwashed the girls, made them think that he is an abusive monster and they are in danger. I think she did it because her husband pressured her into moving closer to his work and his mistress. She tells everybody that she moved away because the kids and her are afraid of my husband and I. She never said a single kind word about us and always criticized my husband no matter what he did. She said horrible things to the girls about their father.

I don't know what we should do. My husband is a wonderful person, he has issues but nobody is perfect and he tried his best to be a good father. It upsets me that he doesn't spend more time with his kids but he says that he doesn't want to see them if they think that he is abusive and dangerous. He doesn't want to go to jail over false accusations. What do you think we should do? Do you think that the girls' mother is doing the right thing? How can we solve the problem? I suggested counselling but my husband doesn't even want to see his ex ever again.

Answer 1

"Often, one meets his destiny on the path he takes to avoid it."

Kungfu Panda - 2008

You, your husband, and his ex, do the right thing.

You all just need to accept the reality that the condition is not as expected. Now, all you and your ex can do, is need to try.. and try.. and try again to speak to the children. We were all have experiences as teenager / children. Talk to them as the same  as you would like to be treated in your youth.

Talk to yourself and don't blame others.

If can't speak well to the children, try and find help to more experienced people, like counsellor.

good luck.

Answer 2

There's a lot to this issue and you need to work it out one at a time. First, if your name is on the mortgage (even if it's not, being married still ties you to it), figure out a way to get out of that situation. You will become resentful towards your husband if you get screwed financially. Your husband needs to address the accussations w/ a lawyer and document all of the said accussations. He needs to avoid contact w/the mother until he's talked to the lawyer. YOU need to not speak to the mother or the girls at all until something has been done. You are the stepmother and need to remember your place in this. Your husband is going to go through a lot to get to a good place w/his daughters and you should support him as long as he is not overlooking your needs as well. Good luck.

Answer 3

I'm surprised that you and your husband are so insecure about your rights as parents.  First of all, a parent doesn't have the right to take the children out of the school district unless it has been agreed to by a judge unless it is part of the divorce agreement.  There is no judge who woudl agree with what she has done.

Additionally why did your husband give in so quickly to the girls not being allowed in your house.  By not standing up for yourselves you gave them the ammunition to show that perhaps the ex-wife was right in her accusations.

Your husband is giving his daugthers away.  There have been a number of studies that have shown that a child self-esteem and confidence comes from the father.  Your husband is teaching them that he is ready to throw them away.  They are going to have a horrible future if he doesn't involved himself in their lives.  What do the girls have to do with the mother?  Prove her wrong!

Answer 4

Well with the kids age there is really nothing you can do. You could go to the court and petition for custody, but at the age of 12 the child gets to choose. So if she has really brain washed them they won't choose him anyway. The Ex is completely wrong, and she will reap what she sow. Pray about the situation, and try the legal system. Without any evidence of the things she claims is abusive she can't have him put in jail or deny him custody.

Answer 5

Hire a d**n good lawyer to fix the house situation. There is no way in h**l I would be paying the mortgage for a house that my ex was renting out.  

Answer 6

Okay.

After struggling through this paragraphless rant, the only thing I have to say is this:

There are two sides to every story.

And lucky for us, we've heard one.

Get it??