My husband's exwife keeps emailing him?

Question

My husband and I were both in long marriages before and we both have grown up children. He and his wife separated on amicable terms. We have been married 5 years. Problem is, I found out she's been emailing him every other week telling him her news, saying its been a long time since she last spoke to him etc. Its like a shadow over me because she wont get on with her own life, and seems to think he's still her husband even if not physically. If she contacted him about practical issues like the house she still lives in (they have to sell it and share it in two years as part of the divorce agreement) or sorting out bills ok, but its all about 'her' and what shes been up to - gardening, arguing with her mother etc. She doesnt work and try to support herself, my husband still pays alimony voluntarily. I try to tell him to encourage her to retrain, find a job etc. He also hides the emails he gets from her (dont know if its because he thinks it will make me angry or whether he wants secrecy of contact) - How do I handle this? Help!

Answer 1

You are your husband's wife, not this other woman.  You need to be the single most important thing in his life, and if it bothers you that she is being social with him than he needs to stop doing it, period.

I'm glad you understand that they may need to talk to discuss things such as the children (even though they're grown), the house, etc.  However, it is absolutely inappropriate for her to be e-mailing him on personal matters if you are not okay with it.  Your husband needs to be telling her to stop.

Sit down with your husband and explain you're uncomfortable with this.  Tell him you understand that they need to talk about business matters, but that you're not okay with her being social with him and him responding.  I'm sure if you tell him how important this is to you, he will tell her to stop.  

Does he legally need to keep payin gher alimony?  You say he "voluntarily" pays it but I'm not sure if that means the order is up and he continues to be nice, or if he still is obligated to but doesn't see a problem with it.  If the order is up and he no longer needs to pay her, he needs to stop doing it, period.  Even if the two of you have th extra money, he should not be putting your family funds into another woman, period.  Tell him that he needs to stop paying alimony to his ex wife (unless it's still court ordered) because YOU are his wife now and he has no obligation to support this other woman.  

The best way he can do this is to send her an e-mail, replying back to one of hers.  He should tell her that he understands they have a past together, but that it IS a past.  Have him ask her to please stop sending personal e-mails (either that, or if he is non confrontational he could just stop answering them all together, or block her e-mail address if your web server supports this.  Or he could just change his e-mail.)  He also should explain in the e-mail that he will no longer be paying her alimony.  He needs to say that since he's no longer court obligated, he feels she needs to pursue her own way to earn money through getting a job, and that unfortunately he will no longer be able to support her.

If your husband will not do these things, then obviously his ex wife is more important to him than you are.  I'd get out of the marriage if he's not willing to change his ways -- unless you're comfortable with being #2 for the rest of your life.

Good luck.

Answer 2

You handle this by choosing to stop making a big deal out of it.  You state that there's nothing physical going on between them, so what's your problem?  If it's that he hides the emails, no wonder - any husband in his right mind would want to avoid upsetting his wife.  Listen, you chose to marry this guy, despite the baggage inherent in a long-term marriage that ended in divorce.  He's still exactly the same man he was on your wedding day.  You have to learn how to pick your battles - this one is not worth fighting.

Answer 3

Sounds like your Husband is a really nice person. I wouldn't worry about it. Just enjoy the fact that he is yours now.

Answer 4

First step would be to talk to your husband about all this....not confront him in an angry way or anything but sit down and have a calm and understanding conversation with him. Find out from him what he feels about this contact from the ex and why he's felt he needs to hide it from you. Talk to him about how it makes you feel and try and work through it together. Decide together what's best for your relationship because it has to come first now, you need to be his priority over the ex. Then you can go to the ex together if needed and share your feelings, concerns and what you feel is appropriate. If that doesn't solve the issue then you guys may need some professional help.  

Answer 5

click.. this email is spam.. never see another email from that address again.

Answer 6

i think it is great they are on good terms. my grandparents were like this and it made it so much easier for us grandchildren growing up. quit being a baby, your an adult.

Answer 7

Really, you should ask him...  Keep the questions rolling without judgment. And then "listen" to the answers...  When it's all out on the table, stand up & tell your husband what you will & will not tolerate & then mean it!

Answer 8

Sounds like she has nothing going on in her life so she wants to have some kind of contact with ANYONE.  She chose your husband because he knows her well and they have history.  I think he probably feels sorry for her.  He did share a number of years with her and having kids with someone makes a bond.  

But why not sit down and talk to him about it?  Don't get angry but just tell him it makes you uncomfortable.  I predict that he will think it is just you being insecure.  But he should respect your feelings.  Whether they are based on anything real or not, feelings are always real.  

I don't know if you can do this or not but I was in a similar situation with a long time bf.  We sat down all together, me, him, and the ex-wife.  We asked her what type of job she would like to train for.  My bf told her she had to chose something because he would pay for training and help her while she was in school but that's it.  If she didn't want to go, all help would stop.  She chose cosmetology school and we had to encourage her every step of the way but she did it and started supporting herself.  She actually did very well making money.

The upside of this was that I became involved too and saw the struggle she faced.  The depression of having her life turned upside down but no new partner to help take her mind off herself.  She thought nothing would change and she would be hopeless forever.  Once she got a job, she started dating and left us alone.  But I got a different impression of her and I started having sympathy for her too.

Try not to blame your husband and don't let her make you feel insecure.  She's the one with problems not you.  But see if you can muster up some sympathy and figure out ways to help her.  If you help her, you're helping your own relationship.  Your husband will be proud of you taking the high road.

Answer 9

It seems like your husband still have a soft spot in his heart for his ex wife. Well there is so much you could do about that. He is not doing anything sexual with her and you have nothing to worry about.

Answer 10

they will always have a connection, especially if he is still paying alimony, she will hang on to him... it sounds like she is lonely and he is trying to be nice... it is his decision, but you can at least tell him how you feel.. doesn't have to grow into an argument, unless the "how you found out" part is restricted... I don't see a problem with talking, until the conversation goes into an intimate detail.. We both chat with our ex's, my wife has gone to movies and dinner with one of her ex's... I think as long as you two tell each other what is going on, then there is no foul.. he may be nervous because you do have an issue with her.. try being open minded and remember that you are married to him... you need to be secure in your marriage..  

Answer 11

Maybe he is hiding it because he knows that it is wrong of him to be doing this (allowing her to converse with him like that). After 5 years he pays alimony voluntarily? That seems to not be right. They both should move on and after 5 years she should be supporting herself. It is not right for her to be emailing him like that discussing her life with him and you should tell him how that makes you feel when that happens. If he wanted to be with her, he would be with her and if that's what he wants then let him go on with her but otherwise he needs to find a nice way to tell her bluntly that her behavior is troubling to your marriage and avoid that contact with her.  

Answer 12

This is difficult- it's a good thing that they still have a friendly relationship but I see why you are jealous.

However, do you think it'd make you feel better if you were let in on the friendship? Maybe you're feeling left out and lied to? Or do you just not like them having this type of relationship at all?

You need to figure out what exactally about the whole thing makes you uncomfortable and discuss it with him.

Try to keep an open mind. He is your husband now and all but there is a relationship there too which you need to respect- but he also needs to in turn give your feelings respect as well

Answer 13

Not much you can do about this without looking like you're spying on him and obsessing over his past life. The only thing I would take issue with is him still paying her alimony. He is not doing her any favors, BTW; she needs to support herself and stand on her own two feet which she will never do as long as she gets that check every month. Very bad for her and an unnecessary drain on your finances.

Answer 14

You didn't say if he was writing her back.  If he isn't writing her back, who cares if she writes him?  You said he hides the emails, how do you know?  If you have access to his password, how can he hide anything, unless he deletes them and if he deletes them, how do you know they exist?  If he isn't writing, so what, if he is, then you need to ask him why he feels the need to communicate with his ex, when he answers, you can go from there as far as how to handle this situation.