My husband abused my parents and me and asked me to go saying he cannot live with me anymore. What do I do?

Question

Please refer to my previous question posted two days ago.

http://au.answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AnSC625RuIEb3idBvkypiTgJ5wt.;_ylv=3?qid=20080830143435AASOJzQ

After this my husband and his family abused me and my parents and asked me to get put of his life. My parents took me to their place.

I am so angry, hurt and cheated. I am in a state of shock.

The person whom I love the most treated me like trash and abused me with all nonsense in front of 10 people. I tried to justify my stand as much as possible, but it fell on nobody's ears except that of my parents.

I am sure nobody would go back to such a person after all the emotional torture he has meted out on me.

But guess, what? I miss him terribly!! I love him more than my life although he hates me to the point of turning me out because I cannot get along with his parents.

Wasn't it his duty to foster a good environment for us to be happy. If he had been unbiased, I would have felt good enough to go out of my way for his parents. But when I don't have my husband's love, where do the in-laws stand?

I am just completely devastated. Not sure what to do or whats gonna happen next.

Its been two days and pain is just too much to bear.

Everybody surely loves their parents, but should they disregard their wife just because of their love for parents??

Answer 1

This sounds like a culture clash to me. His culture and upbringing make him think he is doing nothing wrong. I know you must miss him a lot, people who are truly in love miss the other person even sometimes when the other person has been abusive to them. My advice to you is if you have tried counseling, and you tried to meet his needs by living close to his parents, and he is being like this still and not trying to come to a compromise between the two of you...it is time to move on. As much as it may hurt at first your best bet is to chalk it up as a learning experience and move on with your life.

Answer 2

If you want him back, call him.  But remember it's like saying he was right and you were wrong.  He has already shown you what he is capable of.  Taking him back is like accepting him as he is.  For good or bad.

Answer 3

I am sure he has seen what they have been doing to you, but he just doesn't care. He should have at least addressed what they were doing and told them that you were his wife and that they should respect you whether they really like you or not. If I were you I would forget him because nothing is going to change. It sounds to me like he is a mama's boy and needs to grow up!

Answer 4

Listen to me now..  GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN

You may be missing him now, but that is more about wanting the idea of a good marriage rather than the reality. The REALITY IS THAT HE IS AN ABUSER. He is now and will always be.  It is likely in fact that he was abused himself.

Don't wait. Get out now. If you stay, It could mean your life or the lives of your parents that will suffer.

I got out a similar situation and stayed with a friend for 2 months, after that I realized that I just saved by own life.

BE SAFE and leave. Loving someone is not abusing them, either physically or verbally.  Then see a therapist or counselor for advice. Just take it one day at a time.

Answer 5

The parents are not the issue here.  If your husband loved you, his parents would be too unimportant.  It seems like he's using them as an excuse.

No matter what, you have to focus on what he's showing you and I hate to say it, but he doesn't love you.  You made a major mistake in your life and it should be over.  You will suffer, but you have to suffer if you make that mistake.

He seems like a total loser.  Who the h**l could want him as your husband.  You have to think more of yourself.  You can't let anyone get you so angry, hurt and cheated, ESPECIALLY YOUR SO-CALLED HUSBAND!

The guy is over.  Lift your spirits.  Get some pride and dignity and move on, because if you don't he will hurt you again with some other issue.

Good Luck

Answer 6

Is it possible to move into a house very close to the in-laws?  Maybe to sit down and discuss with them what the problem is. Sit down and tell them you are willing to compromise that you are willing to move near to them if they could just accept you in their sons life.Surely they can see that all of you love him and want whats best for him. It sounds like your husband has a duty to care for his parents and regardless of what you say or do or how he feels about you that duty will still be there, l guess that's why he moved back to his homeland. BUT don't compromise if you are not truly happy with the situation. I know it would be hard to leave him, but your unhappiness now - how does it compare to your unhappiness when living in the situation you were in? Would you be any happier going back to where you were knowing that nothing will change?

Answer 7

I appreciate that you missed him terribly and probably will for a long time to come yet.  However, this is not sufficient reason to remain in this relationship.  Nor is your love for him.

I really think you should let go, leave and repair yourself and focus on your brighter and happier future.

Your husband is not grown up enough to realise that you are his 'family' now, he is a man in his own right and not just his parents's son!  He needs to do a lot of growing up and that isnt going to happen overnight.

To have meted out all these on you, meant that he is still controlled and ruled emotionally by his birth family.

I agree with your view entirely of what should his duty as a husband / partner should be.

You need to re-build your self esteem and really look forwardto a future where you would be available for someone else who value you.

Please don't put up with this. You must love yourself enought o move on.  Accept that you mad married a bully & a child.  Accept that you love him and that you are very hurt.  Let it flow, gently and away from showing your 'weakness' to him.

You can use the fact that he & his family want you out.  Let them think they had what they wanted.  Use that to your advantage so there is little or no come back.  You will just be obedient woman to them.

It is time to take care of yourself now.

The marriage 'contract' is null and void as he breached this and did not honour his vows to you.  You have to treat it like it is and no longer need to honour your side.  In fact, you should no longer honour yours.

In time, the pain will subsides.  You will find that you have much more strength than you anticipate now.  I have every trust that you can do this.  It is really time to move on.  You have tried.  

Stay away from the drama and put your focus/neergy into something that is loving towards yourself.

One day, the sun will be shining in your life again and you will feel that the lessons was well learnt and that it was for the best that this happen now rather than much later!

You deserve far far better than this man.

Answer 8

Wow honey, I am so sorry you had to take all this.

I understand where you are coming from. It is somehow a weird part of human nature to feel that we still "love" or "miss" the people who mistreat us and make us miserable. But another important part of human nature is, we are very resilient and time will heal all wounds.

He was a big failure as a husband. That is a fact. In fact, it is probably the best thing that happened to you to have left him.

I was in an abusive relationship once too but bore it all for four long years before I could finally have the courage to dump him and save my dignity and self-respect. I missed him terribly for a long time still, and it took me time to heal. And although it hurt like h**l for a time, I learned a valuable lesson and now I am in a very happy relationship and truly know what it is like to be in love.

You do not deserve to be with someone who obviously doesn't deserve to be your husband. He doesn't care for you or treat you with respect. He lied to you and abused you. He has no right to expect you to get along with his family. He should have supported you.

Now is the time to get some me-time. Nurse yourself, l**k your wounds and heal. Sorrow helps in the healing process, but make sure you snap out of it sooner than later. Make sure you absolutely do not allow him to have any contact with you whatsoever. He has had far too many second chances and doesn't deserve any more. Remember how miserable you were, and be thankful that you finally have a shot at living with dignity and self respect. Remember that a divorce is not the end of your life.

We need to move on and cut the bad influences out of our lives. You can get a divorce and go back to US with a fresh job. Who knows, maybe love will blossom for you again.

But right now, heal. Think things through rationally, and remember to treat yourself right. Remember to hold up your head and take no nonsense from anyone. Remember that you did the right thing by leaving him.

Your whole life is ahead of you, take it one day at a time for now, I am sure you will heal and come out of all this stronger and happier.

Answer 9

You should be happy you are away from a man like your "husband"... and I use the term loosely, because it does not appear that he knows what the term means.  Any man who abuses his wife, whether it is in front of his parents, or anyone, is an awful person.  He does not love you at all... otherwise he would not have done the things he has done.  For you too waste your emotions on this man, is just a waste of time.  I would be happy that I was away from this man... you need to focus on your life ahead, and leave him behind in your past, where he belongs.  If you return to him, know that you will be treated the same way.

Answer 10

Think of what IS. Not what you wished or hoped for. This man does not love or respect you. You should not care about someone that does not care about you. It is unhealthy.

Answer 11

leave him. seriously. you cant be with someone who treats you like ****

Answer 12

It is sooo hard to leave a husband but I would suggest doing something that takes your mind off of him. Get a job and if you all ready have one than do volunteer work.Keep yourself very busy. You must know he is no good deep down and I promise you the less you think about him the easier it will be for the breakup. His parents are jerks and every time you think about wanting to reconcile think about having to be around these a******s for the rest of your life.