My husband adopted my oldest daughter from a previous marraige, she is asking to meet her biological father?

Question

My daughter is ten and has known since she was three that my husband adopted her(he told her he picked her from all the girls in the world to be her dad). She started asking when she was about six to see and meet her biological father. We called him when she first asked and he said he knew this day would come and would have to discuss it with his wife and would get back to me....he never called back. I tried to explain to my daughter who was heartbroke that he was the one missing out and he had no idea what a great person she turned out to be I know where he works and what town he lives in and have some canceled checks with his SS# on them, but other than that and some pictures and a wedding video I have nothing...How do I go about contacting him or letting her meet him?? Any suggestions appreciated!!

Answer 1

I'm on 3 ends of that situation. I had that dad - didn't but me too much although i've had some pretty messed up relationships so who knows ...

My daughter also was left by her biological but my ex-husband is her dad and he even raises her now, don't ask cuz that's a messed up times a billion situation, but hey he loves her like his own two...

My youngest son's dad had a son when he was in the military and I got the phone call at 11:30 one night, years before we had our son and he had this kid that he thought she had aborted but he was lieing, he knew she had it and tried to deny that he knew, liar, and he didn't want to see the kid and it sickened me. But I guess not enough to go and have a baby with him on purpose. lol. But it bugs me my son has a half brother out there that he doesn't know.

Self esteem booster is the absolute best. My daughter doesn't really care to my knowledge but she's got so many issues (12 hormones) that who knows :-)

Answer 2

i guess you should respect ex's wishes. but i would contact him again and really explain things. i would want him to give me an answer, not hide. over time, he will come around but your daughter may have to wait.....

me and a young lady put a child up for adoption years ago and i wonder to this day what happened to the child. it's very sad. but based on my experiences dad will come around.

also i would sure try and make her understand she has a dad who loves her very much sitting right there on the couch and given time she will meet the other guy too...you know?

Answer 3

Being an adoptee myself I know where she's coming from and without the info you had I still managed to hook up with my birth parents so it can be done.  You could start by sending him a letter so as not to put him on the spot.  That could have been part of his issue.  Then try a phone call to his house but stay away from his work unless you want to stop and talk to him after he gets out of work but the he still might not care for that.  Unless he's actually willing things will not go well and your daughter will probably be even more heartbroken.  Why not have her write him a letter kind of updating him on what's going on and then asking to meet him for whatever her reason is.  Be realistic with her that she may never get to meet him face to face because it's something he's not ready to or willing to do.

If all else fails, you could take her to see him where he works but keep it from a distance.  Unfortunately, that may be as close as she can get.  Prepare her for the worst and then be pleasantly surprised when it works out better.  That's the only way I got through finding my folks.

Feel free to email me if you want to bounce ideas off someone or you'd like any more advice from my perspective.  I'm always ready and willing to help as much as I can in these situations.

Answer 4

Well if he doesn't want to meet her, then pushing your daughter on him isn't going to make it a wonderful experience for her, it will probably be traumatic. Contact him once more (but don't tell your daughter) and see if he has an answer now. If he still blows you off or outright says no, then just keep reminding your daughter that the one who does the job, IS her father.  Let her know that it was your fault that you didn't pick a good guy to be her daddy originally but she has a good daddy now that loves her. I don't mean for that to sound rude, I just mean to help her understand that it isn't a reflection on her, or that she is bad, just that you didn't choose a good guy originally. It will always be hard for her, there is no hard fast way to take away her pain. Maybe there are some adoption resources out there for you to use to help explain the situation to her.

If you want to go another route, if he doesn't pay child support, threaten him with court and back-support billing if he doesn't meet his daughter.

Good luck and sorry your family is going thru this.

Answer 5

ouch that's a sticky situation! Your poor daughter, please help her self esteem by keep on letting her know it is his problem not caused by her in any way

sorry I'm no help, my biological father was the same way I got over it easily as my adoptive father was great & I didn't feel the "loss" I never met nor do I remember the biological one

My brother 18 mo older than I claims to remember but logically can't as he was around 2 or younger when he left has had problems, low self esteem, image problems and lives in a fantasy world of lies because of it.

Please address the problem & seek counseling if neccessary

Answer 6

This actually happened in my own family. My sister was adopted by my dad, but she still wanted to meet her biological father so I can see how this may be hard for you and your family.

But sweetie, you did your part already.... You called him, so he can not say that he doesn't know.

I know it is hard for your daughter to understand, but you can't make her biological father meet her if he doesn't want to. Of course, it's your decision to pursue this or not, but if it means that much to your daughter, I would give it one more try. Call him up once more and explain that you don't want anything from him, but your daughter really would just like to meet him. If he doesn't put forth any effort at this 2nd attempt, then the best thing you can do is just be there emotionally for your daughter. I wish you the best.

Answer 7

This story is bittersweet. She obviously has the father of her dreams, but dreams to meet her father.  When your ex-husband signed his rights away allowing her to be adopted, you agree to leave him out of the picture.  Therefore, I would keep up with the love and support and encourage her to contact him upon reaching adult status.

As an adoptive parent it is a difficult thing to watch, and feel.  I know the pain you are experiencing through her, but what you did was for the best.

Answer 8

let her every one wants to know where they come from

Answer 9

With the information you have, you should be able to find a work address for him.  Send him a letter (return receipt to make sure he received it) and see if he responds.  Since some time has passed since you last contacted him, he may have a change of heart.  Allow him to deal with his current wife i.e. don't call-- she may not handle it well.  If he doesn't respond, then leave him alone.  If he wants nothing to do with his daughter, then she need not be exposed to him.  It would only hurt her.  It sounds like she already has a great dad, and if she still wants to find her biological father, let her do it when she gets older.

Answer 10

Make sure you let your daughter know that the way she's feeling is very normal and that you are there for her if she wants to keep talking about this.  Also, try to explain to her how the situation is from her bio dad's perspective -- it probably took him a while for him to get over not having her in his life, and he might be afraid that seeing her again will make him have that pain again (some people avoid love because the more people you love, the more people there are who can hurt you), and he might be afraid that she won't like him, or he might still know that he's not ready to do dad-things with her, etc.  Half of her DNA comes from him, and so she needs to know that she's NOT half-monster or half-villian or half-bully.  At the same time, don't give her such a fantastic impression of her bio dad that she starts to have unhealthy fantasies of him as some superhero guy who could save her from the problems of her current life if only he'd appear.  It's also good if you include her dad (your husband) in on these discussions.  He should let her know that he loves her as much now as ever, and that he understands that she doesn't love him any less just because she wants to meet her "other dad."  He should remind her that he is always around to talk, even about this.  If one dad is breaking her hurt, she's going to need the support and love of the other dad even more.

In the meantime, without letting your daughter know, contact your ex one more time.  Make sure to include your contact information so that even if you don't hear from him now, he'll have the option of contact you (and thought you, her) in the future when/if he's ready.

Answer 11

This is a tough situation you can’t force him to have contact with her. No more then you could force her to have contact with him if he was the one that wanted it.  From this situation it seems that maybe his current wife is not comfortable with this and that he did not contact you back because he wants to respect his wife’s wishes. You might try sending him a letter or calling him again. About 4 years has passed so perhaps he will decide to meet with her , or send her letter , phone call etc.  All you can do is try.

Just reminded your daughter how lucky she is that she has a wonderfully man in her life who is her Dad, even if he isn’t biological.